Coffee & an update. (Part 2)
Life has really been kicking my butt lately..
Last I left off I was talking about some of the issues that have been going on in my mind lately and in one day it got worse. I went to the doctor and on my way back my mother was being her usual self and giving me an attitude every time I spoke to her but I ignored it because it is a constant thing. (I forgot to mention that I didn't eat anything all day so I felt pretty drained.) By the time we got home it was about 6PM so I was STARVING. She made something I couldn't eat so I decided to make the plantains I mistakingly bought. (I thought they were baby bananas, lol.) As I started to peel and slice them my mother decided to start washing dishes right next to me. (Which she does a lot when I am doing something.) I ignored it and continued. I put a little oil in the pan and started cooking. She must have passed by me about four times before she opened her mouth. In her most rude tone she goes "I thought you aren't SUPPOSED to have fried food?". I turned in her direction almost speechless. The whole time back from the doctor every word I said she responded in a rude way as if I don't know what I am talking about, as if every thing I do and say is an inconvenience for her. She does this on almost a daily basis so I have learned to ignore it to avoid a fight but today was too much. I turned around and asked her why she cares now what I do? That caused a huge fight. She must have been waiting for me to say something back. She called me a miserable person and I have such a hard life sleeping all day and watching TV all night. She likes to hit you where it hurts. Once she started throwing her words at me I told her to leave me alone and to stop talking to me. She continued so I told her to shut the fuck up. (FYI I almost NEVER curse at my parents or curse around them because that's not who I am) but I exploded. That's when she laughs, shuts up, and goes into my sister's room to say "You see how she is?". I walked to my room and tried to force down the food while choking on tears.
What I don't understand is why everything I do and say is a problem to her? This has been like this for a long time. She is not an affectionate person. She doesn't hug or kiss me. She doesn't say she loves me. I have two brothers from the same father (24 and 27) and my younger sister (11) from my mom and her boyfriend. My brothers both work in a supermarket and just started giving my mom money after many years of not doing anything. I lost my job three years ago but before that I was constantly helping her out. Now, I am just waiting to start school. When I was giving her money she wasn't too much of an asshole to me. Once in a blue. Now, it's a constant thing. If it's because of the money what am I supposed to do? She lives in a house that my grandfather owns, who she doesn't speak to. She gets money from my brothers, her boyfriend, AND APPARENTLY my father!! I guess because I can't work nor find anything part time I am a problem for her? I don't get it? I wash the dishes, I usually cook my own food, I do my own laundry, I clean up after myself. I don't blast my tv at night, and I don't make noise in the kitchen when everyone is sleeping. My brothers are the opposite. They blast their tv, slam doors, leave a mess, THEY DON'T DO THEIR OWN LAUNDRY, they leave food everywhere. My mom basically cleans up after them on a daily basis. What I gather is that a lot of her frustrations she has with other people she is taking out on me, and you know what? That's bullshit...
I called my dad the other day and told him about what's going on because my feelings were getting out of hand. Having PCOS has taken a toll on me. I am always sad, upset, like the world is closing in on me. I feel so alone and then to have my own mother make me feel worse? She knows what I am going through, but I guess it's a problem for her. Surprisingly though my dad really made me feel better. He told me that if he had the room he would have had me live with him a long time ago. (He lives in a a small one bedroom basement apartment with his GF and their son, my brother, who is 12) He gave me a billion compliments and basically said that out of all the kids I am exactly like him and so he expects more from me. He knows that I can accomplish just about anything and wants me to focus on school and getting everything on track. He told me that he wants me to open up about my issues and how I feel more often and that I can tell him anything and he wont judge me or think differently. He thinks that venting will make me feel better. I haven't vented to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings or blame himself for some of the things he should have done differently. This is why I chose to keep my childhood and growing up to myself because I don't want anyone to feel bad. The time has already passed, I am an adult now, and to bring it up will be pointless. He wants me to come over more often that way I am not always here. He said if I want to come spend every weekend with them I am more than welcome. I just like how they talk to me. They talk to me like an adult and give me advice. They kiss me goodnight and make me feel good about myself. We go out shopping together, have dinner together, and watch movies together. It's definitely a big change from living in my house. It just felt good to hear my dad say a lot of the things he said because for a long time I thought he didn't care because he was never around. It was up until I started visiting a lot and I saw how their life was that I understood why he was never around. I almost felt bad for him the way that they live. The apartment is never clean. Cluttered. They are almost never home. My dad is always working and both him and his girlfriend have a lot of health issues. I guess the older I get the more I am understanding why things happened the way it has. Sometimes I wonder if my mom gets mad at me all the time because I am just like my dad. We have the same personalities. We even eat the same way. Sit/lay on the couch the same way. I am more like my dad than my mom. I also have a lot of health issues like my dad. I will never truly understand why my mom treats me like this but instead of dwelling I have decided to write down my goals step by step to get an idea of what I need to do in order to get out of here and start my life. This is what I have so far:
-Because I start school in January I have decided my first step is to start studying for my permit. I have an immense fear of driving but in order to move out of NY and live a happily easy life I have to get over this fear. I hope to sign up and take the test before I start school.
-My next step is to start studying for my entrance exam. With CUNY we have to take both an English and Writing exam, as well as a Math exam. I am not worried about English/Writing because I have always done well in those areas. Math? Not so much.. Lol. My goal would be to study hard before the exam that way I don't have to take a prerequisite class and I can jump right into the school years and earn my credits.
-My next step is to start school with a positive attitude. Show up on time. Get familiar with the school and neighborhood. Pay attention in class. Make friends. I want to really do things right this time. I was always afraid of talking to people in high school. I wasn't very outgoing and dropped out due to fear and loneliness. I will not let college end up the same. I am a different girl now. Older, wiser, and more determined. This would be the biggest obstacle to jump over in order to secure a better future for myself.
-My next step is to get comfortable and settled in school. I want to be able to know that school like the back of my hand. I want to my heads to be in the books and not in the clouds. I want to pass my classes and truly KNOW what I am doing. I want to do well and I want my teachers to realize how much potential I have.
-My next step would be to get involved in a club. My biggest regret in High School was that I missed out on some great opportunities. Yes, I don't live in the best neighborhood and the school is full of not so great people, but I could have taken advantage and who knows where I would have been now? So, I want to take full advantage of my college experience. It is only a two year school and I want the best of it!
-My next step would be to try to get involved with the daycare in my school. Intern, help out, maybe even do some part time work. I am going for Early Childhood Education, and any kind of experience will be great for me. If I can't get anything there then I would like to find a local daycare in my area. Even if it's just a couple hours a week it is still something. I figure that after at least a year in school I should be able to juggle both. I pick up things very easily so I wouldn't be surprised if I was comfortable after the first semester.
-My next and final step would be to get everything I can, do everything I can, and experience all I can out of school before I graduate. I have already looked up many different options (I like to plan ahead if you haven't already noticed) on scholarships. From what I was told you can start signing up/writing for them as soon as you are accepted to school! There are SO many different ones to choose from. The only downfall is I am 25 and will be 26 when I am settled in school. So, for my age there aren't many scholarships. As long as I try, that will be all that matters.
I want see my dad's face when I graduate. I will be the first of my immediate family that attends/graduates college and I know he will be so happy. My parents didn't go to college nor did they ever teach me about college. I looked up everything on my own and decided what I wanted to do. My dad was really happy and proud and supports me 100%. It makes me feel good to know that someone has my back and wants to see me accomplish my dreams. My dad isn't happy about me wanting to move away eventually but understands that I need to live my life. I am just excited to start school and see what awaits me. I am scared, excited, nervous, and happy all at the same time, but I know that if I just stick to my plans and keep an open mind I will do well. This is my future and I have Faith in myself. I will do well. I will succeed..
WHEW! That was a long entry! I didn't realize how much I wrote until after I was done! My mom is upstate at the Ren Faire that we were supposed to go to together. It's cool though. It gives me peace and silence to do some writing. I get to hang with my sister and our pets, make food, and watch scary movies without the drama that comes along. My mom will come home extremely drunk and by that time I will be pretending that I am sleeping so there is no issues.
I have to keep myself occupied until school. I guess that truly is my first plan.
Have a great day DS!
-Crystal
Last I left off I was talking about some of the issues that have been going on in my mind lately and in one day it got worse. I went to the doctor and on my way back my mother was being her usual self and giving me an attitude every time I spoke to her but I ignored it because it is a constant thing. (I forgot to mention that I didn't eat anything all day so I felt pretty drained.) By the time we got home it was about 6PM so I was STARVING. She made something I couldn't eat so I decided to make the plantains I mistakingly bought. (I thought they were baby bananas, lol.) As I started to peel and slice them my mother decided to start washing dishes right next to me. (Which she does a lot when I am doing something.) I ignored it and continued. I put a little oil in the pan and started cooking. She must have passed by me about four times before she opened her mouth. In her most rude tone she goes "I thought you aren't SUPPOSED to have fried food?". I turned in her direction almost speechless. The whole time back from the doctor every word I said she responded in a rude way as if I don't know what I am talking about, as if every thing I do and say is an inconvenience for her. She does this on almost a daily basis so I have learned to ignore it to avoid a fight but today was too much. I turned around and asked her why she cares now what I do? That caused a huge fight. She must have been waiting for me to say something back. She called me a miserable person and I have such a hard life sleeping all day and watching TV all night. She likes to hit you where it hurts. Once she started throwing her words at me I told her to leave me alone and to stop talking to me. She continued so I told her to shut the fuck up. (FYI I almost NEVER curse at my parents or curse around them because that's not who I am) but I exploded. That's when she laughs, shuts up, and goes into my sister's room to say "You see how she is?". I walked to my room and tried to force down the food while choking on tears.
What I don't understand is why everything I do and say is a problem to her? This has been like this for a long time. She is not an affectionate person. She doesn't hug or kiss me. She doesn't say she loves me. I have two brothers from the same father (24 and 27) and my younger sister (11) from my mom and her boyfriend. My brothers both work in a supermarket and just started giving my mom money after many years of not doing anything. I lost my job three years ago but before that I was constantly helping her out. Now, I am just waiting to start school. When I was giving her money she wasn't too much of an asshole to me. Once in a blue. Now, it's a constant thing. If it's because of the money what am I supposed to do? She lives in a house that my grandfather owns, who she doesn't speak to. She gets money from my brothers, her boyfriend, AND APPARENTLY my father!! I guess because I can't work nor find anything part time I am a problem for her? I don't get it? I wash the dishes, I usually cook my own food, I do my own laundry, I clean up after myself. I don't blast my tv at night, and I don't make noise in the kitchen when everyone is sleeping. My brothers are the opposite. They blast their tv, slam doors, leave a mess, THEY DON'T DO THEIR OWN LAUNDRY, they leave food everywhere. My mom basically cleans up after them on a daily basis. What I gather is that a lot of her frustrations she has with other people she is taking out on me, and you know what? That's bullshit...
I called my dad the other day and told him about what's going on because my feelings were getting out of hand. Having PCOS has taken a toll on me. I am always sad, upset, like the world is closing in on me. I feel so alone and then to have my own mother make me feel worse? She knows what I am going through, but I guess it's a problem for her. Surprisingly though my dad really made me feel better. He told me that if he had the room he would have had me live with him a long time ago. (He lives in a a small one bedroom basement apartment with his GF and their son, my brother, who is 12) He gave me a billion compliments and basically said that out of all the kids I am exactly like him and so he expects more from me. He knows that I can accomplish just about anything and wants me to focus on school and getting everything on track. He told me that he wants me to open up about my issues and how I feel more often and that I can tell him anything and he wont judge me or think differently. He thinks that venting will make me feel better. I haven't vented to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings or blame himself for some of the things he should have done differently. This is why I chose to keep my childhood and growing up to myself because I don't want anyone to feel bad. The time has already passed, I am an adult now, and to bring it up will be pointless. He wants me to come over more often that way I am not always here. He said if I want to come spend every weekend with them I am more than welcome. I just like how they talk to me. They talk to me like an adult and give me advice. They kiss me goodnight and make me feel good about myself. We go out shopping together, have dinner together, and watch movies together. It's definitely a big change from living in my house. It just felt good to hear my dad say a lot of the things he said because for a long time I thought he didn't care because he was never around. It was up until I started visiting a lot and I saw how their life was that I understood why he was never around. I almost felt bad for him the way that they live. The apartment is never clean. Cluttered. They are almost never home. My dad is always working and both him and his girlfriend have a lot of health issues. I guess the older I get the more I am understanding why things happened the way it has. Sometimes I wonder if my mom gets mad at me all the time because I am just like my dad. We have the same personalities. We even eat the same way. Sit/lay on the couch the same way. I am more like my dad than my mom. I also have a lot of health issues like my dad. I will never truly understand why my mom treats me like this but instead of dwelling I have decided to write down my goals step by step to get an idea of what I need to do in order to get out of here and start my life. This is what I have so far:
-Because I start school in January I have decided my first step is to start studying for my permit. I have an immense fear of driving but in order to move out of NY and live a happily easy life I have to get over this fear. I hope to sign up and take the test before I start school.
-My next step is to start studying for my entrance exam. With CUNY we have to take both an English and Writing exam, as well as a Math exam. I am not worried about English/Writing because I have always done well in those areas. Math? Not so much.. Lol. My goal would be to study hard before the exam that way I don't have to take a prerequisite class and I can jump right into the school years and earn my credits.
-My next step is to start school with a positive attitude. Show up on time. Get familiar with the school and neighborhood. Pay attention in class. Make friends. I want to really do things right this time. I was always afraid of talking to people in high school. I wasn't very outgoing and dropped out due to fear and loneliness. I will not let college end up the same. I am a different girl now. Older, wiser, and more determined. This would be the biggest obstacle to jump over in order to secure a better future for myself.
-My next step is to get comfortable and settled in school. I want to be able to know that school like the back of my hand. I want to my heads to be in the books and not in the clouds. I want to pass my classes and truly KNOW what I am doing. I want to do well and I want my teachers to realize how much potential I have.
-My next step would be to get involved in a club. My biggest regret in High School was that I missed out on some great opportunities. Yes, I don't live in the best neighborhood and the school is full of not so great people, but I could have taken advantage and who knows where I would have been now? So, I want to take full advantage of my college experience. It is only a two year school and I want the best of it!
-My next step would be to try to get involved with the daycare in my school. Intern, help out, maybe even do some part time work. I am going for Early Childhood Education, and any kind of experience will be great for me. If I can't get anything there then I would like to find a local daycare in my area. Even if it's just a couple hours a week it is still something. I figure that after at least a year in school I should be able to juggle both. I pick up things very easily so I wouldn't be surprised if I was comfortable after the first semester.
-My next and final step would be to get everything I can, do everything I can, and experience all I can out of school before I graduate. I have already looked up many different options (I like to plan ahead if you haven't already noticed) on scholarships. From what I was told you can start signing up/writing for them as soon as you are accepted to school! There are SO many different ones to choose from. The only downfall is I am 25 and will be 26 when I am settled in school. So, for my age there aren't many scholarships. As long as I try, that will be all that matters.
I want see my dad's face when I graduate. I will be the first of my immediate family that attends/graduates college and I know he will be so happy. My parents didn't go to college nor did they ever teach me about college. I looked up everything on my own and decided what I wanted to do. My dad was really happy and proud and supports me 100%. It makes me feel good to know that someone has my back and wants to see me accomplish my dreams. My dad isn't happy about me wanting to move away eventually but understands that I need to live my life. I am just excited to start school and see what awaits me. I am scared, excited, nervous, and happy all at the same time, but I know that if I just stick to my plans and keep an open mind I will do well. This is my future and I have Faith in myself. I will do well. I will succeed..
WHEW! That was a long entry! I didn't realize how much I wrote until after I was done! My mom is upstate at the Ren Faire that we were supposed to go to together. It's cool though. It gives me peace and silence to do some writing. I get to hang with my sister and our pets, make food, and watch scary movies without the drama that comes along. My mom will come home extremely drunk and by that time I will be pretending that I am sleeping so there is no issues.
I have to keep myself occupied until school. I guess that truly is my first plan.
Have a great day DS!
-Crystal
Replies
Crystal- I know how you feel being home can be crazy sometimes and not help my depression and anxiety at all. My parents are pretty understanding well I should say my mom since my Dad doesn\'t really seem to understand what I\'m going through usually. I don\'t have a job or go to school right now so I\'m pretty much home a lot which doesn\'t help my depression much. I also have a fear of driving if that\'s what I can call it so I can\'t really go anywhere by myself unless someone drives me. I think it\'s awesome that you\'ll be back in college soon and it\'s gonna be a great feeling for you when you graduate. Your gonna do some great things in life keep your head up and stick to your plan. It\'s a great plan you have. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk and keep me updated on how your doing if that\'s okay.
Sorry to hear you have a mom like that where she tears you down rather than build you up... There could be A LOT of reasons for this BUT you need to focus on YOU, your life and how to make it better. School is a wonderful way and it will be your ticket to a better life. Don\'t let your mother get you down and prevent you from success. :)