Codependency and Grief

My father passed away a month ago. He had leukemia and was in hospice, so I thought I was prepared to deal with the grief. When he passed away, I was overcome with anger. Anger towards lots of people. One of the things that came up was a grieving for my childhood. When I was younger, my brother, who is two years older than me, had severe learning problems in school. I tutored him, I saw him get bullied and struggle and all along my parents told me I had to take care of my brother. My father would always tell me, "when I die you have to take care of your brother." So I was the perfect daughter...never causing trouble, and when my brother needed help as an adult, I took him into my home...ignoring my own life.
I thought I had made peace with that years ago, but I guess I never grieved for the loss of my autonomy. After my father passed, I had a lot of anger toward lots of people and things and one of my best friends who didn't call or come to the wake. I think we both do the co-dependecy dance.. and that's why we found this familiarity and common ground. When things are good in our friendship, they are great. We re-enact the relationships we had with our parents through this friendship. After my father died I became upset at my friend, "Peter" for being distant and not comforting me. He blew up at me and doesn't want to see me. I am a people pleaser and am trying to mend fences...I can't stand disagreements, I want to make everything ok....but I can't.
This is killing me because I feel guilty for having all this anger. I've read codependency and grief books. I realize that overwhelming anger is a part of grief, but I still feel guilty and ashamed that I cannot make everything ok. Any advice or wisdom? I keep obsessing about this issue and it's bothering me because I'm normally a logical and sane person.

Replies

1Tater
1Tater

Logic and sanity don\'t have to be at the top of your emotional priority list right now. How could it be when you have lost someone so important and so much part of your life -who probably helped to mold your own identity?
I am not quite certain how important Peter is in your life but right now, maybe you can\'t or shouldn\'t fix things...think about what you need right now. Maybe you don\'t even know-it\'s so overwhelming...but see, that\'s okay. Just let it be-for now. Don\'t try too hard with him unless he is giving something to the relationship that helps you...
Just my opinion, new friend. I am still grieving too-even though it\'s been 3 years. But I know that if someone is trying to take too much of my soul (by being withdrawn or witholding of affection or attention) then that person doesn\'t belong there -even if it\'s just for the time being. HUGS and take gentle care-Sylvia
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sounds like you are confused and depressed. I can relate. For many years I held on to anger too. Friends, family, life in general.....would all bring me down, held on to pain for too long. Finally learning to let it go.....anger will only eat you up inside! Life is not fair, but a positive attitude counts for a lot.! Therapy can help. Reading \"The 4 Agreements\" is theraputic too.