Codependency and delusions
Thank you to those who responded the other day. Your thoughts helped me get grounded again.
I realized after reading those replies that I was going back into those old codependency behaviors, the ones that are unhealthy. I had found myself wanting to take care of him again, do things for him again, live for him again... and not for myself. And that would be BAD...
I didn't get out for that bike ride.... ran out of time to go. BUT, you reminded me that I really need to take care of me, and so I looked up the bike race info to get the date registration opens, and they announced they are going to do the race in reverse! How fun and challenging! Hunting season ends this Sunday and I can begin trail training then. And I'm going to... going to take care of me! I've already lost 5 pounds...
My anger has passed regarding the X... and I'm feeling more capable about handling this. My son asked me to wait... not to call The X's parents... but instead to be there (meaning near the phone at the hotel) when HE tells them in person. I'm really uncomfortable with that, but I also see his point. Because of my father-in-law's seriously ill health, we agreed that the news would be better given in person, when all the aunts and uncles are around - because the uncles are police officers and emt's. Once we get beyond the news, THEN we're going to have to talk about nursing care and end of life care. We go in a week....
And the X himself.... he's still in ICU but he has been improving every day... except for the hallucinations. Yesterday, my son was visiting, and he started talking about "junior" running around. My son asked who "junior" was, and he replied my son's son. My son doesn't have a son, only a daughter who hasn't been at the hospital. AND THEN, my X tried getting out of bed, insisted my son help him... and as he put his feet over the edge, he started talking about going home... to MY home. He thinks we're still married... he even thinks I've been there sitting with him (and I haven't). My son convinced him to lay back, and he said he was tired, wanted to just sleep on the "couch" if my son would turn off the lights...
(Deep breath) Last night my son and I talked about whether I needed to go down, talk to the nurses, maybe see him and slowly ease him back into reality. My son said he didn't think that would be a good idea right now - what if the shock of seeing me brings back memories too fast.... last time I tried going into the room he went into a seizure, so I think he's right... and so we wait.
And so, as I look back on the events of the past 2 years, I see my strength. I can handle this... I have the capability of taking care of the situation and get the nursing care and financials all arranged and still hang on to ME. I went through this with my X's best friend who developed dementia over Christmas 3 years ago, so I know what to do... and this summer's problems were training for this - to give me the strength to handle this and handle it well... God is Great! LATER!
I realized after reading those replies that I was going back into those old codependency behaviors, the ones that are unhealthy. I had found myself wanting to take care of him again, do things for him again, live for him again... and not for myself. And that would be BAD...
I didn't get out for that bike ride.... ran out of time to go. BUT, you reminded me that I really need to take care of me, and so I looked up the bike race info to get the date registration opens, and they announced they are going to do the race in reverse! How fun and challenging! Hunting season ends this Sunday and I can begin trail training then. And I'm going to... going to take care of me! I've already lost 5 pounds...
My anger has passed regarding the X... and I'm feeling more capable about handling this. My son asked me to wait... not to call The X's parents... but instead to be there (meaning near the phone at the hotel) when HE tells them in person. I'm really uncomfortable with that, but I also see his point. Because of my father-in-law's seriously ill health, we agreed that the news would be better given in person, when all the aunts and uncles are around - because the uncles are police officers and emt's. Once we get beyond the news, THEN we're going to have to talk about nursing care and end of life care. We go in a week....
And the X himself.... he's still in ICU but he has been improving every day... except for the hallucinations. Yesterday, my son was visiting, and he started talking about "junior" running around. My son asked who "junior" was, and he replied my son's son. My son doesn't have a son, only a daughter who hasn't been at the hospital. AND THEN, my X tried getting out of bed, insisted my son help him... and as he put his feet over the edge, he started talking about going home... to MY home. He thinks we're still married... he even thinks I've been there sitting with him (and I haven't). My son convinced him to lay back, and he said he was tired, wanted to just sleep on the "couch" if my son would turn off the lights...
(Deep breath) Last night my son and I talked about whether I needed to go down, talk to the nurses, maybe see him and slowly ease him back into reality. My son said he didn't think that would be a good idea right now - what if the shock of seeing me brings back memories too fast.... last time I tried going into the room he went into a seizure, so I think he's right... and so we wait.
And so, as I look back on the events of the past 2 years, I see my strength. I can handle this... I have the capability of taking care of the situation and get the nursing care and financials all arranged and still hang on to ME. I went through this with my X's best friend who developed dementia over Christmas 3 years ago, so I know what to do... and this summer's problems were training for this - to give me the strength to handle this and handle it well... God is Great! LATER!
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