Co-dependency Symptoms?

Symptoms or Hard Knocks in Life? – Real or Imaginary Problems?     Melodie Beattie seems to think all of these things are co-dependency symptoms without really qualifying them, which I think tends to make people believe they are co-dependent, when they really might just be having a life crisis or might behave like co-dependents only conditionally based on other peoples’ abusive behaviour.     Obsession     Co-dependents tend to:    1.      Feel terribly anxious about problems and people.Is it an addiction or normal to feel anxious about things like foreclosure, going broke, the threat of being homeless, having a non-communicative emotionally unavailable spouse, having your car re-possessed, or losing your job? Is it an addiction or normal to feel anxious about a spouse who beats you, verbally abuses you, over-critical friends, siblings or parents; over a bully boss or mobbing colleagues?    2.       Worry about the silliest things.People with poor self-esteem have trouble figuring out what “silly” is. Habitual anxiety can cause needless worry, and make you psychosomatically ill. But what is silly for one person, is not necessarily silly for another. And the danger in naming this a symptom is that someone could qualify their worries as “silly”. Questions like “Does he really love me”? can be qualified as “silly”, when normally they are very important things to consider for well-being and personal happiness.   3.      Think and talk a lot about other people.Think of all of the activities in which a person thinks and/or talks about other people: if you watch television, which allows you to think and talk about other people, you are co-dependent; if you read newspapers you are co-dependent; if you follow politics you are co-dependent; if you listen to the Top 40 show on the radio, you are co-dependent, if you research history, you are co-dependent; if you read beauty magazines, you are co-dependent. Geez there is just no way to stop it! Everybody in the world is co-dependent, and hence dysfunctional.   4.      Lose sleep over problems or other people's behaviour.Is it normal or addiction to lose sleep over losing one’s job? Or if a close relative is seriously ill? Is it normal or addictive if you lose sleep over someone who has been physically threatening to do you harm? Or someone who is abusing you in a harmful way?   5.      Worry All humans experience the emotion worry. Worry is co-dependent behaviour à Ergo all humans are co-dependent. Logic or fallacy?    6.      Never find answers.Never is often an emotional relative. When I sit in a traffic jam, I say to myself, “I am never going to get out of here”. When I think about a frustrating situation, I could also say, “I will never solve this problem”. Of course I tend to ignore the fact that I am often emotionally blending out alternatives I don’t like. When I think of “never finding answers” I think of my own impatience and stubbornness that the solution is not there “right now” and is “not what I like or want”. Never is relative. Never is temporary.     7.      Check on people.Even this should be qualified. Generally thinking “I should never check on people” is the attitude that shocks us when we hear news stories of child abusers living next door that no one ever questioned or noticed; why they often find seniors who have frozen, starved or bleed to death because of some injury, and no one noticed their absence for months; or why a young girl can be raped in the middle of a subway station during rush hour  in New York City. Besides, some people have jobs where you have to check on people: police officers, parole officers, prison guards, teachers, medical professionals. All co-dependent and addicted? All must get into a recovery program to stop this behaviour?    8.      Try to catch people in acts of misbehaviour. That would make every law enforcement person in the world automatically co-dependent.    9.      Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems. Fortunately, in some cases. What if Jonas Sulk stopped thinking about finding a way to combat polio? What if President Obama stopped worrying about the people and problems of the United States of America? What if Werner von Braun stopped talking, thinking and worrying about how to make a rocket ship fly?   10.  Abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something. Your son committed suicide at age 17 – whatever you do, don’t abandon your routine! Your husband, who was a G.I., was killed in Iraq – whatever you do, don’t abandon your routine! You got fired from your job and have no more money – whatever you do, don’t abandon your routine! Some idiot crashed into your car, and totalled it, and now you might lose you job, because you can’t get to work – whatever you do, don’t abandon your routine!    11.  Focus all their energy on other people and problems. I’ll grant the focus of all your energy on other people as being truly neurotic behaviour . Focusing all your energy on problems is a normal life challenge.    12.  Wonder why they never have any energy. Typical sign of psychosomatic illness and burn-out syndrome. Stress addiction is not hinged on permanent focus of just other people and their problems.  13.  Wonder why they can't get things done.That would make nearly elected official in the world a co-dependent. All politicians are co-dependents, and need to learn to control their addiction and ceasing being politicians.     Controlling   Many co-dependents:   1.      Have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the co-dependents sorrow and disappointment.That would make every single man, woman and child in Afghanistan, Iraq, Sudan and Lebanon a co-dependent.    2.       Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.Burglars are, by nature, criminal, and that’s who they are. For them, it is a natural event to break into houses and steal peoples’ private property. Therefore being afraid anyone being who they are à read: anyone does what they please and act however comes natural to them is refraining from co-dependence – in every case?    3.      Don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control. While many people are not consciously aware of their fear of loss of control, everyone deals with it. Some constructively and others not so constructively. When a dam breaks and floods a valley, washing away from your home, you are confronted with a loss of control. Some people will go into shock; that’s one way of dealing with their fear; other’s will cry; that’s another way to deal with it. Some people will pray, and some people will get angry. Some people will organize an emergency plan to salvage what they can, and start thinking what they could do to survive the situation. Whatever it is, everyone will deal with their fear of loss of control in some way. That is human nature.    4.      Think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave. Everybody knows best how things should turn out. It should turn out like we want it to. But that doesn’t always happen, and sometimes that leads to arguments, and/or even wars. And everybody knows best how people should behave. That’s why we have lots of laws and rules to follow. Most of use conform to get along with each other, because if we don’t behave we will be penalized.    5.      Try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. Everybody manipulates. Even my cat has learned how to manipulate me, and she is not even human. My cat decided this morning that she wanted to go outside – at 3:30 a.m. She communicates this by walking over me while I sleep. If I don’t react then she licks me on the nose. If I still don’t react, then she bites my nose. No matter what, my cat will wake me up. She has this much control over my reactions, and she knows this! Sometimes she knows this will reward her with actions like me opening the house door, and letting her go outside, because she hates using her cat-box, or sometimes, I will become annoyed and throw her out the bedroom, because I would rather sleep. There is no arguing about it – my cat manipulates and controls me! Now, do you think she is co-dependent? And is there a recovery group for co-dependent cats?    6.      Eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger. Not every attempt at manipulation is a failure. My cat’s attempts sometimes fail, and she gets disappointed. I notice this because she’ll growl and hiss if I do not do what she wants. That’s how I know the cat is angry. But I don’t care. I control her insofar that I have the human ability to open doors, and she as a cat doesn’t. Sometimes she is rewarded, but I still think it would be better if she would learn to "let go" of her need to control me. Maybe a recovery program would help her.   7.  Get frustrated and angry. All humans experience the emotions frustration and anger. Getting frustrated and angry is co-dependent behaviour à Ergo all humans are co-dependent. Logic or fallacy?   8.      Feel controlled by events and people.Once again, this is always conditional, and valid for everyone. It is argued you have choices, but usually when you make choices, it is the consequences that make you feel controlled, especially if reversing a decision is difficult or impossible. In some cases the feeling of control by events and people is inescapable. For instance if a gunman threatens you with a pistol, and gives you the choice, your money or your life, you are only being given a theoretical choice. Real choices are not available. In this case, you are being controlled by an event and a person. Other events like serious injuries and illnesses do control us. And certain people control us, often indirectly, but most certainly, like tax authorities, governments and law enforcement people. A spouse or a child can control us in the fact we have legal responsibilities and obligations to them so long we continue being the spouse or legal parent or guardian.