Clueless
Talk about irony. Not even a week after I post the history of my diagnosis of SAD, it has been changed already into bipolar disorder II with seasonal pattern. Though I'm far from ecstatic about this, I hope this diagnosis is at last accurate and the treatment effective. I've started lithium at 600mg this week and am not really feeling it yet. Seeing psych again in 1.5 week.
In other news, I got my paper finished. Don't ask me how though. After all the frustration and desperation I'd gone through I had nearly given up on it. I didn't feel like I could do it and really believed it wasn't gonna happen anymore. Until the last two hours before the deadline, I just got so insanely mad. After bouncing through my room angry and crying for half an hour I set myself down behind my laptop. Put on extremely loud and fast-paced music to drown out the feelings of frustration and anxiety and FORCED myself to focus. Somehow the sentences flowed easier than last time, I was able to straighten things out in my head and put them to paper, although I kept making the most incredible grammatical and stylistic mistakes. While re-reading I would find myself frequently omitting words from sentences and repeating them endlessly in other places. It annoys me endlessly because I'm very picky with the flow and style of my writing, and in this case I had to adopt an attitude of "it doesn't matter how it's written, as long as there's something there that makes sense". I don't like that. But that's the way it is.
Consequently, after I finished and sent it to my tutor I didn't feel relief. I didn't feel accomplishment. To be honest, I was still seething with anger. Something this easy isn't allowed to give me such a hard time. It shouldn't be allowed. I couldn't feel glad that I managed to somehow finish the piece on time. Instead I could only feel how much easier it would have been if I didn't have this shit to deal with, and how much better the writing would have turned out as well. I guess eventually I will be able to let it go and be happy I managed to pass another period, but right now it's still under my skin.
It still beats me how I did it anyway. It was quite surreal. In those last two hours I wrote about half of the thing. On personality? Gathering my willpower and anger to fuel myself just before the deadline? Or maybe the lithium is starting to work, helping me to think more clearly? Both?
Like I said, beats me.
In other news. Tuesday I have to get my blood taken. Which won't be the last time if the lithium turns out to work. Lucky me, who has a complete phobia of needles. Last time it took two nurses, one to hold me in place and one to do the job. Then the second one had to go into the hallway and reassure the people waiting in the hall that everything was fine and no animals or children were harmed during the drawing. Sigh.
At least I have my friends and a party to look forward to in the evening. After that I will probably go home again for a few days and get spoilt by my parents. At the moment it's those things like dancing with my friends or home-cooking that's able to lift my spirits.
In other news, I got my paper finished. Don't ask me how though. After all the frustration and desperation I'd gone through I had nearly given up on it. I didn't feel like I could do it and really believed it wasn't gonna happen anymore. Until the last two hours before the deadline, I just got so insanely mad. After bouncing through my room angry and crying for half an hour I set myself down behind my laptop. Put on extremely loud and fast-paced music to drown out the feelings of frustration and anxiety and FORCED myself to focus. Somehow the sentences flowed easier than last time, I was able to straighten things out in my head and put them to paper, although I kept making the most incredible grammatical and stylistic mistakes. While re-reading I would find myself frequently omitting words from sentences and repeating them endlessly in other places. It annoys me endlessly because I'm very picky with the flow and style of my writing, and in this case I had to adopt an attitude of "it doesn't matter how it's written, as long as there's something there that makes sense". I don't like that. But that's the way it is.
Consequently, after I finished and sent it to my tutor I didn't feel relief. I didn't feel accomplishment. To be honest, I was still seething with anger. Something this easy isn't allowed to give me such a hard time. It shouldn't be allowed. I couldn't feel glad that I managed to somehow finish the piece on time. Instead I could only feel how much easier it would have been if I didn't have this shit to deal with, and how much better the writing would have turned out as well. I guess eventually I will be able to let it go and be happy I managed to pass another period, but right now it's still under my skin.
It still beats me how I did it anyway. It was quite surreal. In those last two hours I wrote about half of the thing. On personality? Gathering my willpower and anger to fuel myself just before the deadline? Or maybe the lithium is starting to work, helping me to think more clearly? Both?
Like I said, beats me.
In other news. Tuesday I have to get my blood taken. Which won't be the last time if the lithium turns out to work. Lucky me, who has a complete phobia of needles. Last time it took two nurses, one to hold me in place and one to do the job. Then the second one had to go into the hallway and reassure the people waiting in the hall that everything was fine and no animals or children were harmed during the drawing. Sigh.
At least I have my friends and a party to look forward to in the evening. After that I will probably go home again for a few days and get spoilt by my parents. At the moment it's those things like dancing with my friends or home-cooking that's able to lift my spirits.
Replies
You are such a good writer. I can sympathize with your anxiety about the blood drawing. That happens to me, too. Glad you\'re getting your school work done, and remember this will be over soon! School doesn\'t last forever! Then you can really start to relax more (assuming you don\'t have too stressful of an occupation). I hope you have a nice week. Good luck with everything.