Closure

"Do You Really Need Closure To Move On?"

September 18, 2017

I'm here to warn you that sometimes wanting closure can turn for the worst. There was a time where I thought that I needed closure from my last relationship, and it was driving me nuts because I wanted to know why she abandoned me. On the way she left me... why she did, but seriously... who was I kidding? I was never going to get that closure that I wanted, and if I did what if it wasn't the whole truth, right? I found myself holding on long thereafter. I was determined to get it from her that way I can learn from it and grow from it.

Listen, the truth was I hung on to that feeling wanting closure from her so dam long. It was driving me nuts and it was destroying my inner soul. This feeling of wanting closure was driving me crazy! She did not want to talk to me anymore (she wanted nothing to do with me), and that was the truth, and I couldn't live with that.

Let me tell you something... "though, this final outcome of wanting closure from her (I wanted it so desperately), it became a huge mess so much that it changed my whole entire life, and destroyed it at the same time! I had to change, and start my life all over again and this several years later! Can you believe I blamed a lot of it on her? When it was all my fault."

Understand that closure doesn’t change anything that already happened. It doesn’t turn back time, and it definitely doesn’t fade the hurtful things you said when you were most upset with her. In fact, closure doesn’t shift blame to either side. It doesn’t act as a second chance at reconciliation, and that should never be the expectation. Please understand this! So maybe you need this closure, or maybe you don’t after all.

Maybe you just want a conversation, so you can justify seeing this person again. You reminisce on how good this person once made you feel, and think, this person can heal whatever wounds you are currently tending to. So, my next question is, why do we tend to look to someone else for closure? Maybe what we need to move on is simply ourselves while consciously being aware that something is over and letting it stay behind you?

Well it left me with this deep feeling of disgust. Initially, without thought, I let this feeling completely suffocate me. Things ended hostile, aggressive, and irrational. So, of course I looked for closure to move on. But then I realized, perhaps I needed to see the situation for what it was. I didn’t want things to be left so ugly, but the harsh reality is they were. There is no changing that. I felt disgusted and disappointed by this person. I felt she was being dishonest, cowardly, and incredibly selfish; More selfish than anyone I had ever encountered. These negative feelings were slowly sucking away all the energy I had, eating away at me.

So, did I really need this closure from her? Maybe what I really need to do is see the situation for what it is and remove that negative energy from my life. Some people are too toxic together and are better apart. You can forgive someone without seeing them in person or hashing out the past. You can forgive and truly move on for yourself. But you need to let go of the idea of a “closure conversation” being the band aid that will erase the past or supply a future with this person. You need to move on with your life and let go of your past! It starts and ends with you, period!

You aren’t the one who lost something. That person lost someone that cared about them. You, my friend, lost nothing. You gained strength and knowledge to take with you in your next relationship, whenever that may be. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are kind, you are fearless, and you will push through. You deserve closure from only you, this for yourself, and you definitely, most definitely don't need it from someone else.

What I've learned is that when we’re in the process of mourning the death of a relationship, some days we’re doing well to simply survive. And I also know what it feels like to thrive — not just in spite of a break-up, but as a result of what I learned from it. I discovered that only once we find love within ourselves, through ourselves and for ourselves are we able to attract more real love into our lives. I learned that others will treat us based how we treat ourselves. I’ve learned that everyone who has come into my life is there as a teacher (as I likely am for them). I’ve learned that risking our hearts for love is worth it…even when it hurts. I had to be broken open to let that wall come down around me and allow myself to be seen, imperfections and all.