Closeted Trans. Looking to Converse

 If you're a transsexual or a heterosexual woman, would you want to correspond occasionally. I'm not looking to meet anyone in person, I would just like to chat with a female spirit from time to time, and not have to pretend or disguise myself as a male, which is what I've been doing my entire life. 

   I've been a lifelong closeted transsexual. About 13 years ago, I decided to begin the process of transitioning into a female body. I started to take estrogen pills which I got from an overseas pharmacy without a doctors prescription. I used advice from information from other transsexuals on the internet. I started to let my hair grow out and started to shave everywhere on my body. I started to buy cloths, shoes and makeup, and started to go out on the weekends to gay bars that supported that clientele. I had a friend from work, who was a lesbian, whom I confided in about this. I started to see a female psychologist, who actually wrote a recommendation to a hormone doctor that I begin treatment, but it was rejected because she was only a psychologist, and not a therapist. To make a long story short, after a couple of months I decided to abandon the lifelong wish to do this. The main reason was because I didn't look like a woman. Even my female friend told me I didn't. I had a great slim figure, 130 lbs, but my face was too masculine. I sent my photos to a plastic surgeon in San Francisco, who suggested a few procedures that would feminize my face, but he was talking about 5 to 10 thousand dollars, which I couldn't afford by a long shot. One of the other reasons was that I was starting to feel my nipples enlarge and read that after three months of hormones any changes in my body would be irreversible. If I couldn't get the sex change operation, I would end up being an abnormal freak. I've always felt uncomfortable in society. I just wasn't strong enough, emotionally, to go through the ridicule of people, and being labeled a freak by society. If I couldn't pass as a female it didn't make sense to me to try and pursue this dream. I'd end up feeling even more excluded from society then I already felt. I've always just wanted to fit it with straight society, to be like everyone else, have a boyfriend or husband, girlfriends and a normal social and sex life. It's a cruel punishment, the cards life has dealt me, not being able to act upon my desires, my basic sexual yearning for an average, everyday masculine guy. I hunger to kiss, touch and hug a man, not a gay man, but a man who desires a woman. I've fallen in love with probably about four men in my life, who were just normal straight guys. They never knew. I would say to myself, God. How can you be so cruel, everyone else gets to experience the simple pleasures of life, why did you inflict this on me, I have the soul, mind, interests and desires of a female, but you've given me this body of a male. How can I ever really be happy with the person you've created? 

   When I was 18, I thought I was gay because I was so young and confused, and thought that because I was attracted to men, that must mean that I was gay. It was a different time and generation back then. At first it didn't sink in, that even though when I saw a gay man who I thought was attractive, after he spoke and showed his personality, I was kind of turned off and the attraction faded away instantly.  At that time I thought, I'll find someone else who's different eventually, but after a few years I finally realized that what I really craved and wanted was a man who wanted a woman, and for me to be seen as a woman by him. A man who lusted after a female, who wanted a pussy to fuck, which is normal behavior for a heterosexual male human being. The few times that I actually engaged in sex with a gay man were awkward, unpleasant and left me feeling confused. There is nothing more repugnant and painful than anal sex. When I look back on those years it sickens me to think that I was that naive to degrade myself into believing that I was a homosexual. I really have nothing against gay men, I just don't approve of some of their habits and sexual practices. I would see the drag queens, with their flamboyant and obnoxious personalities, and think to myself, that's not me at all. I'm just a regular average gal. Even in my fantasies, it's a straight missionary position that I visualize with my imaginary boyfriend. Lately, it's becoming harder and harder to cope with life, because if I find myself in contact with a straight man whom I'm attracted to, those desires and feelings start to bubble up inside me again, and I realize that I will never have a normal, healthy male/female relationship with a man, EVER!  

    I could go on and on, but I'll stop now. I recently responded to straight men's personals on Craigslist with a picture of a regular, pretty and simple girl. I received many replies, but that made me feel sad because I knew it was only a fantasy which would never come true, our actually meeting. I guess, I felt it was the closest I could come to being in a heterosexual experience, even though it was based on a lie. A couple of the responses were guys I knew I could really fall in love with, just by looking at their face and eyes. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. The attached photo was the one that I used, that's who I really feel like on the inside-internally, but unfortunately that's not who I am on the outside, the body and the face that I have to present to the world, everyday for the rest of my life.

    Either way you decide, thanks for taking the time to read this.