CLOSET in Heart #7 Lost...
Still working on dealing with the SPOT in my childhood. It ain't easy. When you keep hurt, doubt, fear, insecurity, down for so long.....it will not leave easily until you deal with all the emotions that occurred. HOWEVER, my precious Heavenly Father is helping me. We've been to this spot many times and now instead of asking "WHY HERE AGAIN?" I am asking "What is going on Father that causes this to hurt and make such a mark in me?" Until I understand the depth and entirety of the pain & situation, it will forever be like a cancer and just getting the tips so that it will quiet down a bit longer until next time. This SPOT in my childhood has me crying and I don't like crying. I've always been a pusher-down, never letting anyone close to me...I mean really close. I suppose that is why when our church ladies went to the conference and the theme was FREE TO BE ME I actually had a panic attack! I thought I'd die on the spot. I now know why it had that effect....I've never, and I do mean NEVER, been me. I had a required role to play and I did it well. That is why I could never let anyone really know the real me because I had a part to play and that part was not and is not me. I really don't know who I am.....That's scares me.....I don't know the real me. I've played this role all my life as I was required as a child and now I continue to do so as an adult. WHO AM I? Only my Heavenly Father truly knows what I was created to be like and for what. I must rely on His truth about me and not the SPOT truth from my childhood. Will this happen quickly? Of course not. I learned at age 5 to:*depend on no one but me*ask no one for anything*stay quiet & out of the way. don't bother anyone.*take care of whatever needed done to make things "right"/"perfect"*if I couldn't do it myself, do without, ask NO ONE for assistance These are just a few things I learned and this is where PRIDE comes in. PRIDE at the bottom line of it all is being totally wrapped up in yourself, your needs, your wants, etc. So, this much I have learned about PRIDE and why I have a huge issue with it. If I can't make things/people perfect (up to the right standards) then, they are less than myself and not to be included in the mix because all things/people must meet "right"/perfect standards. God help me. Does anyone have an idea of what Hell it is to constantly drive yourself to perfection? It's a lie straight from Satan to keep you so busy trying to be "good enough" that you never learn to be loved for being YOU. God doesn't demand I be "perfect", I am perfect because I am in His Son, Jesus Christ.....it is NOTHING nor will ever be NOTHING that I do or don't do....it is all JESUS CHRIST, HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS ("perfectness") that I have and need. Still, the emotions and lies run deep into my soul....this is not what my Father wants.....me believing lies about myself not being good enough, not being wanted, not being chosen, not being special, not being a bother/in the way.....etc. Thank you, Father, for my Savior & Lord, Jesus Christ, who makes me good enough.....By God's Grace & Jesus' blood, I AM GOOD ENOUGH! Hugs & love to all my peeps.
Replies
A Likable Savior
Posted: 10 Feb 2010 10:01 PM PST
Be agreeable, by sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. I Peter 3:8, The Message
They called Jesus a blasphemer, but they never called him a braggart, They accused him of heresy, but never arrogance. He was branded as a radical, but never unapproachable.
There is not hint that he ever used his heavenly status for personal gain. Ever. You just dont get the impression that his neighbors grew sick of his haughtiness and asked, Well, who do you think made you God?
His faith made him likable.
True Blessedness
Posted: 09 Feb 2010 10:01 PM PST
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4 NKJV
To mourn for your sins is a natural outflow of poverty of spirit
. . . Many know they are wrong, yet they pretend they are right. As a result, they never taste the exquisite sorrow of repentance.
Of all the paths to joy, this one has to be the strangest. True blessedness, Jesus says, begins with deep sadness.
I read this and thought of you today. It reminds us from deep sadness comes deep JOY!
Thanks, Nan. Man, if deep sadness comes joy, I\'m due the mother lode! LOL Hugs, sweetie.
My Mom would have said \"Then expect a miracle Jackie!\"
Have you read John Bradshaw \"on Family\". It came out in the early 90\'s. I cried my way through the chapters about disfunction in families. It was so hard for me, but it was so good for me too. The cycle stopped with me, because I suddenly understood why I was acting the way I did (my sin), and grace came in and healed my heart.
I\'m learning a lot reading the book by Dr. Carolin Leaf \"WHO SWITCHED OFF MY BRAIN\". She\'s studied 20 yrs on how thoughts effect our health. I\'m learning or trying to learn to change my THOUGHTS, that will change my ATTITUDE, that will change my BEHAVIOR, and that will change my LIFE. All very interconnected. I really recommend the book. She\'s a Christian so I know that her work is specifically lined up with Biblical backing. I saw her interview.
I\'m writing that one down.. Sounds fascinating.
It\'s amazing....one photo actually showed a brains neurons which had been \"eaten away\" by negative thoughts. Just this huge black hole in the middle of the brains neuron pathways......No wonder God\'s word tells us to take captive (this means acting with force) every vain imagination and thought bringing it (the thought) to subjection under Jesus Christ.
Just knowing that is happening in your barain and being able to see it...amazing, isn\'t it?
AMEN! The black hole is where we lose our hope, gain our doubts, lose our faith, gain a distorted focus.......Jesus rose from the black hole (grave) as He is not meant to live there.