Climbing the Mountain

I was listening to Elvis. He started to sing his song that the words include the word Mountain. I have heard it many time but tonight it brought tears to my eyes as I realized that some of the words are how I feel. He is singing about a mom dying whe he was born. Then at rhe end of that verse he sings It's been one hill after another. I've climbed them all one by one (which my life has bee filled with so many hills, but I climbed them) then he continues to sing But this time Lord you gave me a mountain"....a Mountain that you know I may never climb....It isn't just a hill any longer?...You gave me a Mountain (I just don't feel I can aClimb). This is how I feel about the loss of my son Ken. In the Bible it says if you believe you can move a Mountain. As a child who was taught the Bible always wondered "Why would I want to pray to move a Mountain...it has taken me half my life to understand the meaning of moving a Mountain. Somethings we do with the Bible is to read it Literaly and as a child and even grown I would question What does that mean. Why is that written in the Bible.  As Ken's illness went on, as the cancer continued to rage his body this schripture would come to my mind. The Mountain was not literally speaking it was things that happen out of our control and Ken's cancer and then his death was and is my Moutain.  I prayed. I believed in healing. I believed that Ken's cancer would go away.  As you all know it didn't cause I am here on this site sharing my thoughts with my friends who have their mountains to climb too. I am still fighting the Mountain and I don't feel this is a Mountain I can climb.  I know the hills were little compared to this Mountain. I would take all the Hills over and over to not have this Mountain.  This Mountain is too tall.  Too thick. To round. To hard to make it on the over side. I know this Mountain-will be with me until I see my son again. I do not understand what made us the ones to have this Mountain   As Elvis sang this song, I knew this is how I felt as the tears burned my eyes   It is a long road. And the Mountain is just too much for me to climb.    As time continues, I continue, but I know i am someone different. I know a  smile will cross my lips for only a few seconds. i know I miss my son Ken. And I know that night when my heart was totally broken that I would continue to go toward that Mountain.  But I know that the Mountain is just more then I can climb. 

My dear Ken I miss you with my entire heart...when Jesus took you home that cold night in Dec as the Christmas lights shown brightly outside your window.  As I held your hand and my other hand on your heart. I knew that i had now reached a Mountain that is impossible for me to climb. Life has been so different.....at night now I do not cry as often, but as I head to bed I find these words coming out of my mouth "I hate this. I hate this". And I do. I wish time could go back in time. I wish the cancer had never happened. I wish life was like it was before 2007. But baby it's not so mom will just keep watching that Mountain then one day when we are together again, there will be no more Mountain!!!Love your mom