Cleaning up the mess

     When I was in college, for a time I lived alone in a small apartment above a hair salon. I'd always had roommates before, and this was a completely new experience for me. I had a party one night, the place was packed, music was blasting, it was a great time until a friend of ours rushed in and told us that another friend who had just left had been involved in a head on collision. We all ran out to go to the hospital, laughter turned to panic, party high crashed immediately to anxiety and worry. It was a time I will never forget. Fortunately, our friend survived, but it was a long awful night, and it was touch and go for him for several days afterward.
When I came home the next morning, the party mess was still there. I was all alone, cleaning up the remnants of this night that had gone terribly wrong.Worrying that he might still die. Feeling guilty that I had let him leave drunk. And each bottle and plastic cup smelled like death.  For weeks I would find bottle caps in the cushions of the couch, or a cigarette burn, and it would remind me of the fear and despair I felt.
Right now I am cleaning up the mess of my gambling addiction. Slowly, I am making things right. I paid off my payday loans and got my jewelry and my husbands pocket watches back from the pawnshop. But each day I find something new that I need to clean up. And each late bill, or statement from the bank, or scratch ticket that I find behind my car seat reminds me of the disaster I so nearly averted.
I got a loan from my parents to pay off the taxes so we won't lose the house. It was humiliating to ask them but they were very gracious and loving. They do not know my gambling was to blame for our predicament, but I will tell them eventually, after I have paid back the loan. My husband still doesn't know anything, that I gambled away our security or that I borrowed money from my parents. Those are the messes I still need to clean up.
I feel so fortunate that I have stopped the hemorrhaging, that things had gotten as bad as they are ever going to get and now it's all about recovery, recovering the finances, my sanity, my life.
As eastwester says, this addiction left untreated leads only to jail, institutionalization, or death. Each day I find reminders of my craziness, remnants of a life I no longer lead, and I am so grateful that I am getting treatment. It will be a long clean up but at least I'm heading in the right direction.