Cleaning out my "Mom" clutter...
MEGA cleaning spurt this week... apparently my creativity is back! Because every time I step into my basement I envision what I should be doing next to improve it... which btw, is gonna take at least a year to do, so you'll probably see me writing about it a lot, lol...
Cleaning out file drawers, I found a file labeled "Letters From Mom". I have ALWAYS had "issues" with my memory. In many ways that is a good thing, but in one specific way it's not.... when I don't have something physical to remind me I tend to forgive AND FORGET and in my case, FORGETTING is NOT a good thing....
The letters... they're not good ones. It's the hate mail I received from my mother as I was waiting for an explanation of what her side of the story was when the X and my stepfather had their final blow out. Instead of telling me the truth, she made up lies that were completely inconsistent with each other, twisted it so that it looked like first the X was lying, then that I was lying, and then later when those words were coming back to bite her, she lied again and told the family that I had written them, which then caused me to be shunned from the family.... yep, the RELIGIOUS family... and NOBODY asked me what the truth was...
And it wasn't the first time... my mother was the MASTER MANIPULATOR... you know that movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman? Similar type of situation.... things being twisted in order to control... telling me since I was 7 years old that I was ill so that she could continue with her own focus no matter how much it hurt us kids... when you are a kid and you KNOW the truth but your mother tells you repeatedly it's not... beat you when you questioned because you knew something's not right... you end up questioning everything about yourself instead, all the time... and worse, she made a point to BLAME YOU when she couldn't control her behavior and did something awful, and then accused YOU of doing it so SHE wouldn't be in trouble... yeah, watching that movie is very difficult for me...
And this is not to vent, it's just a little bit of an example of how life was in my past... when my x became disabled and was in a wheelchair, my grandfather passed away and Mom told us what time to arrive at the church, etc... but when we got there, in the middle of the entry where HUNDREDS of people came to pay their respects, she suddenly turned on us and made this screaming scene about how a wheelchair had no place in the church... and then later when they asked the family to come forward, we were prevented from doing so....
So now you see where my memory "issues" lay....
And Mom doesn't know this, but there was a WITNESS, my son who was 7 at the time, who remembers every little detail just like I do... and yet I "don't"....
She wrote those letters 20+ years ago.... and I still have them. And I can't bring myself to throw them away. Am I still stuck not forgiving her? Nope.... I actually forgave her over 15 years ago after a LONG, LONG process. The reason I still have them is because now, they are proof of TRUTH... they are proof of GROWTH.... because if I hadn't received those letters... if I hadn't been devastated by them.... I wouldn't have packed up my family and moved away... I wouldn't have become independent... I wouldn't have learned self-sufficiency... I wouldn't have become happy - no, found JOY in my life.... I wouldn't BE here today finding myself....
So I should throw them out, right? The past is done, the past can never be corrected, only the future affected. And yet I can't. Because of that memory "issue"... an issue I was TRAINED to do... I was trained to "FORGET"... to turn away from what's right... to pretend that everything is just fine... and I HAD FORGOTTEN... I had forgotten that betrayal and how brutal it was and because I had FORGOTTEN, I wound up in the same type of situation with my X and it was physically killing me. And that terrifies me that I'll do it again...
And so I hang onto them... to remind me of TRUTH... to remind me of my own worth... to remind me that most people behave in ways that are beneficial to themselves... to remind me that betrayals happen... and to remind me that for ME, I will always need to remember WHO I AM. Boy, I am REALLY looking forward to that support group at Church on Friday for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families...
LATER.
Cleaning out file drawers, I found a file labeled "Letters From Mom". I have ALWAYS had "issues" with my memory. In many ways that is a good thing, but in one specific way it's not.... when I don't have something physical to remind me I tend to forgive AND FORGET and in my case, FORGETTING is NOT a good thing....
The letters... they're not good ones. It's the hate mail I received from my mother as I was waiting for an explanation of what her side of the story was when the X and my stepfather had their final blow out. Instead of telling me the truth, she made up lies that were completely inconsistent with each other, twisted it so that it looked like first the X was lying, then that I was lying, and then later when those words were coming back to bite her, she lied again and told the family that I had written them, which then caused me to be shunned from the family.... yep, the RELIGIOUS family... and NOBODY asked me what the truth was...
And it wasn't the first time... my mother was the MASTER MANIPULATOR... you know that movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman? Similar type of situation.... things being twisted in order to control... telling me since I was 7 years old that I was ill so that she could continue with her own focus no matter how much it hurt us kids... when you are a kid and you KNOW the truth but your mother tells you repeatedly it's not... beat you when you questioned because you knew something's not right... you end up questioning everything about yourself instead, all the time... and worse, she made a point to BLAME YOU when she couldn't control her behavior and did something awful, and then accused YOU of doing it so SHE wouldn't be in trouble... yeah, watching that movie is very difficult for me...
And this is not to vent, it's just a little bit of an example of how life was in my past... when my x became disabled and was in a wheelchair, my grandfather passed away and Mom told us what time to arrive at the church, etc... but when we got there, in the middle of the entry where HUNDREDS of people came to pay their respects, she suddenly turned on us and made this screaming scene about how a wheelchair had no place in the church... and then later when they asked the family to come forward, we were prevented from doing so....
So now you see where my memory "issues" lay....
And Mom doesn't know this, but there was a WITNESS, my son who was 7 at the time, who remembers every little detail just like I do... and yet I "don't"....
She wrote those letters 20+ years ago.... and I still have them. And I can't bring myself to throw them away. Am I still stuck not forgiving her? Nope.... I actually forgave her over 15 years ago after a LONG, LONG process. The reason I still have them is because now, they are proof of TRUTH... they are proof of GROWTH.... because if I hadn't received those letters... if I hadn't been devastated by them.... I wouldn't have packed up my family and moved away... I wouldn't have become independent... I wouldn't have learned self-sufficiency... I wouldn't have become happy - no, found JOY in my life.... I wouldn't BE here today finding myself....
So I should throw them out, right? The past is done, the past can never be corrected, only the future affected. And yet I can't. Because of that memory "issue"... an issue I was TRAINED to do... I was trained to "FORGET"... to turn away from what's right... to pretend that everything is just fine... and I HAD FORGOTTEN... I had forgotten that betrayal and how brutal it was and because I had FORGOTTEN, I wound up in the same type of situation with my X and it was physically killing me. And that terrifies me that I'll do it again...
And so I hang onto them... to remind me of TRUTH... to remind me of my own worth... to remind me that most people behave in ways that are beneficial to themselves... to remind me that betrayals happen... and to remind me that for ME, I will always need to remember WHO I AM. Boy, I am REALLY looking forward to that support group at Church on Friday for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families...
LATER.
Replies
Oh wow. I don\'t even know what to say. I also have a lot of issues with my Mom but yours sounds impossible! I\'m so glad you survived all that to become the person you have become. My mom was very emotionally abusive as well and I have read that it is one of the most difficult abuses to overcome. ACoD is a great place to start healing, just getting it out of your system will continue to do wonders.