Cleaning...

Today I have had enough. I cleaned out all of the ovulation prediction strips, pregnancy test strips, prenatal vitamins and other such accoutrements. Do I feel like a three year old throwing a tantrum? Yes. Do I feel better? Maybe. For five years my life has been dominated by wanting to be a mother and I am cleaning out the reminders that it will not happen. I am angry, sad, devastated, and so many more emotions;hormones are a bitch. The Hubs and I talked last night about how we felt and what we wanted from the future and thankfully we are on the same page. There will be no more talk of a future with a family, instead we will be thankful for our marriage and enjoy our time being together. I mourn the loss of our dreams of a little one that would have been the best of my husband and I, but nature is cruel and it is not to be. The horribly ironic thing is before we got married neither of us wanted kids, it wasn't until we were together that we felt that it was something we wanted so very much. I wish there was a switch that could be flipped that we could bypass all the hurt and sadness and just fast forward to being ok again. I know it will be a long process, and perhaps I will never fully recover from the heartache. I am a strong and resilient person and this too, I will overcome. So, today is a bad day and so will tomorrow be, but some day it will be a not-so-bad day.