Clarifications
Just wanted to clarify- I wasn't freaking out over one isolated drinking incident. I have been doing this a lot lately- getting upset and chugging two or three little bottles of vodka or rum.
I'm not a drunk but I recognize problems when I see them. I'm not an idiot. But I feel so stuck.
What concerns me is why I drink. Not necessarily to have fun with friends, or to relax, but to shut the thoughts up and to get a decent night's sleep. Whenever I drink I get almost floppy (that's the only way to describe it), and just melt into the floor and everything is ok. Last night I just remember flopping on over to the piano and playing (quite poorly) and singing (quite well actually, surprisingly!), and just being so free. Then I crash landed in bed at 10. I woke up at 3 a.m. and have been up since (it's now 6:30.)
So that's the deal here. I am only posting this to take responsibility for every little action I do, because Iknow myself well enough to know this will spiral downward. And fast.
I'm not a drunk but I recognize problems when I see them. I'm not an idiot. But I feel so stuck.
What concerns me is why I drink. Not necessarily to have fun with friends, or to relax, but to shut the thoughts up and to get a decent night's sleep. Whenever I drink I get almost floppy (that's the only way to describe it), and just melt into the floor and everything is ok. Last night I just remember flopping on over to the piano and playing (quite poorly) and singing (quite well actually, surprisingly!), and just being so free. Then I crash landed in bed at 10. I woke up at 3 a.m. and have been up since (it's now 6:30.)
So that's the deal here. I am only posting this to take responsibility for every little action I do, because Iknow myself well enough to know this will spiral downward. And fast.
Replies
awww you more than take responsibility for your actions you feel bad and guilty, like a bad person, for anything that you do that could be seen in some way as bad. I did this to myself a lot over the years so I can see it. I do agree that I am worried for you that you are using alcohol to medicate. I too don\'t know what to do about it. But you shouldn\'t try to take all the blame and feel that you are a bad person for just trying to escape all the pain and negative thoughts and self hatred for a little while.
I\'m sorry that you\'re starting to self-medicate with alcohol. Been there. Done that. You are right in that it can spiral down fast. No matter how horrible you can imagine it getting, it can get even worse.
You don\'t have to drink everyday to have a problem.
Alcohol interrupts your sleep cycle. So while it might make you go out like a light if you drink enough of it, it disrupts the second half or your sleep pattern. Going to sleep at 10:00 and waking up at 3:00 isn\'t very common at all.
And even though it feels great at the time, and free, it truly is a depressant. If I drink, my anxiety is sky high the next day, too.
While you may not be able to see the direct connection between alcohol and depression, it\'s very likely that your drinking is contributing to your feeling like a piece of shit. Which may lead to making you want to drink again, so that you stop feeling like a piece of shit. It\'s a treacherous, vicious circle.
The longer you do it, the more you get into it, the harder it will be to get out of it.
You say that you\'re taking responsibility for it. What does taking responsibility mean to you? How are you taking responsibility? What action are you taking?
You are already dealing with some serious issues, such as an ED and Bipolar Disorder.
You have big plans and dreams. Adding a drinking problem to your life may cause you to lose it all. And for some people, it doesn\'t take much at all to develop a drinking problem.
This is not a question of you being \'bad\' or \'good\'. (And even if it did, it wouldn\'t apply to you. You\'re great!!!!) This can be an addiction, though. And a very dangerous one at that. Take the matter seriously.
Good luck!!!! I hate to see you feeling so down on yourself!!!
Try to have a happy Thanksgiving!!! (((((Hugs)))))