Circles
I'm sure a lot of you will identify with this, but I just feel like I'm going in circles. Stage 1: When I was doing what I needed to do with the food and putting on the weight I ended up so depressed because all the feelings I'd been starving away came back. I couldn't handle it and became suicidal with trying to cope with the feelings. Stage 2: I went back to my anorexia...RAN back! Started restricting and exercising again. Now I'm feeling better again, my mood has picked up and I KNOW it's because of this. But with it, comes the 'Maybe I can recover this time because I'm in a better place' thoughts. Not to mention the starvation causes me to obsess about food all the time so I'm so hungry all the time again! Stage 3: So I start adding back in the food. The hunger subsides and I feel better. Guilt is still there but not overwhelming at first. By the next day of deciding to do this, doubts start and spiral quickly to me becoming VERY depressed again, to the point of suicidal and before I know it, I'm back at stage 1 again. ....at the moment I'm in stage 2 and I don't know where to go. I hate being hungry all the time and I really WANT to eat and enjoy my food. I DO enjoy my food when I'm in this place but it's afterwards that is the problem. I don't want what comes afterwards. Everyone keeps telling me I have to STAY in the overwhelming stages and that eventually you WILL get over it. Things will change. Is this true though because whenever I have tried, I haven't been able to stay in it long enough to come out the other side. I don't know what to do :( I know what I should do but I'm so scared of feeling like I did a couple of weeks ago.
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