Chronic Pain has brought me to the end of my ropes
On Halloween day 2007, I was rear ended at a stop light. It was 8 in the morning and some kid has just gotten off the graveyard shift. I guess his sports car liked my vehicle's rear end bumper. Exactly six weeks later to the day, I was rear ended again. I had just dropped off paperwork for the first accident and was waiting to pull out when an old lady again nailed me. It wasn't as hard as the first, but really compounded the injury. I have been having bad neck pain ever since then. I could no longer work, and because I could no longer pay my bills, I ended up being homeless and living out of my vehicle. Since both people who hit my were covered under the same insurance company, the insurance people were investigating me for "fraud," I ended up settling for only $3000 as I was living out of my vehicle for months.
I went to all sorts of doctors and all they ever told me was that I was just looking to get high on pain medicines. Others told me that it was just whiplash and that I'd have to learn to deal with it. None of them ever took me seriously. Depression and anxiety hit me hard. I was a productive member of society, and at one point was making good money. All of a sudden I was homeless. I applied for disability, and since there was not much in the way of medical records at the time, I went for mental. I got on it for depression, and have been on it ever since. I feel absolutely humiliated.
Fast forward to December 2014, my then girlfriend (now wife) encouraged me to see a chiropractor since no one in the medical field would even look at me. I ended up going twice. The first time I went I advised him to NOT touch my neck, and he obliged. The second time I went, he was distracted and tried to "fit me in," and I guess by reflex "adjusted" my neck. That's when the real hell began. My entire left face felt as if I had been at the dentist and they had given me a numbing shot. I had pain and numbness down my left shoulder and arm. It was bad.
Well usually when I got in bad pain, I would just do absolutely nothing for a couple of days and it would subside. This time it did not. It effects my sleep to the point where I consider four hours a good night's rest.
I have gone to many doctors around here. When looking at my MRI, they see that my neck is ruler straight - no curve in it at all. They see some minor slipped discs but nothing else. Well in addition to the numbness, my spine literally feels like someone is pouring acid on it all the way down. Near the top of my back between my shoulder blades, it feels like someone is sticking in hot and sharp razors. Until this past wednesday, the only MRIs I've had were of my neck and head. They never found more than what I just described.As for treatments, I've had multiple injections (inside my spinal cord and out), nerve cauterizations in my neck, physical therapy (pointless and very painful), and have been prescribed all the NSAIDs out there. Since none of that really helped, finally one doctor put me on norco. It did help with the pain but I was getting seizures, so they switched me to Lyrica and Percocets. Those really helped. Now all of a sudden, no doctor will give me any percos. I'm just using lyrica. To even try to manage the pain, I'm supposed to only take the 75mg 3x/day. I end up taking them 4 times a day. I know its not good for me. At times when sleeping I suddenly wake up to find that I haven't been breathing. I force air inside my lungs as hard and as fast as possible. But let me tell you, it isn't a pleasant feeling.
Doctors keep giving me the run around and the pain manage people in my area only want to do injections which DO NOT WORK!!!
I don't know where I ran across this saying, but it goes like this: everyone starts the day with a certain number of spoons. Each activity takes one of them. By the end of the day, you are usually down to your remaining few. Those with chronic pain use of most of them just be getting out of bed. This is true for me. I have no more spoons anymore. Anything even slightly stressful just ruins my whole day. I find that I'm constantly snapping at my wife. I can't work, heck, I can't even do basic house chores. My entire world revolves around the living room of my house. I cannot even get out. Whats more, I live in a very small community (3,000 people) with no support groups. Also, the general area I live in is dominated by a very conservative religion that I am not a part of, nor have any intentions of ever joining. Thus I am even more of an outsider. I'm on Medicare, which means any medical treatment I get is rushed and the doctors are not caring. I saw a neurosurgeon a couple weeks ago. When he saw my MRI, he said the same thing everyone else did. He asked when I was last on percocts and I tole him six weeks. He said "good." He did not give me anything for pain. All he did was order an MRI of my lower spine (shoulders and below) and a nerve test - which I had last year and passed. Last Wednesday I had both done. The nerve test was extremely painful as it was setting off all my nerves. My entire left arm felt like I had hit my funny bone, but the feeling was all over. When I commented on that, the "doctor" told me he hadn't even tested that nerve yet - like I was making this shit up. Then he jabbed into my neck and man, that was a whole new level of pain. then I went to the hospital to have the MRI done. Its been a week now and my neurosurgeon STILL hasn't gotten back to me with the results, and even then, said he would never prescribe pain medication.My entire life is filled with horrible pain. There is not one instance where I am not thinking of it. I try to take my mind off it by doing mentally intensive activities, but that only lasts so long.
I am frustrated. I am angry. I am anxious. I am very depressed. The pain has literally ruined my life, and I fear its affecting my marriage. It kills me every time my wife goes off to work (she does manual labor) and I don't. I slaughters my self esteem that I can't even do the simplest house work liek vacuum or the dishes. She has to do it all.
I want to die. Let me clarify, I am not suicidal at all in any way. I have a Christian faith. However, I can't help but to wish that I have cancer, or that I'll get in an auto accident or something so that I can just die and end this entire world of pain. I am getting no help what so ever. There is no support around here at all. Hell, I'd travel the US if I could find someone who would help me. But that's a dream that will never happen.
I am just sitting here in endless torment hoping that someday my world will end. I wish people would help. I don't know if its because of the government cracking down on doctors prescribing pain medicine, or if its just this repressive area (and it IS repressive). I mean hell, the town nearby just got a super walmart and even IT isn't open 24 hours due to religious reasons. Walmart of all places!
I'm at the end of my rope. Literally. I wake up MISSING spoons. I have no hope. I was hoping the neurosurgeon would find something that he could fix via surgery, but so far no luck. And I don't even have the minor comfort that pain pills can give. All I have is Lyrica which lasts only about 4 hours and all it does is bring my pain level down from a 10 to an 8... but I guess an 8 is better than nothing, right?
I am not a drug addict, and I hate that I always have to clarify this shit... but .... sigh.. I guess this turned into a rant. I'm sorry. I'm just very hopeless and extremely depressed. I don't want to go on to anti depressants, I just want the pain to go away! I want to be able to work again! I want to be able to do house work, or yard work, or hell, even make love to my wife! We're lucky if I'm up to it more than once a month!
At this point, I really hate doctors. I don't know why they got into the medical field if they don't help people like me with chronic pain.
I went to all sorts of doctors and all they ever told me was that I was just looking to get high on pain medicines. Others told me that it was just whiplash and that I'd have to learn to deal with it. None of them ever took me seriously. Depression and anxiety hit me hard. I was a productive member of society, and at one point was making good money. All of a sudden I was homeless. I applied for disability, and since there was not much in the way of medical records at the time, I went for mental. I got on it for depression, and have been on it ever since. I feel absolutely humiliated.
Fast forward to December 2014, my then girlfriend (now wife) encouraged me to see a chiropractor since no one in the medical field would even look at me. I ended up going twice. The first time I went I advised him to NOT touch my neck, and he obliged. The second time I went, he was distracted and tried to "fit me in," and I guess by reflex "adjusted" my neck. That's when the real hell began. My entire left face felt as if I had been at the dentist and they had given me a numbing shot. I had pain and numbness down my left shoulder and arm. It was bad.
Well usually when I got in bad pain, I would just do absolutely nothing for a couple of days and it would subside. This time it did not. It effects my sleep to the point where I consider four hours a good night's rest.
I have gone to many doctors around here. When looking at my MRI, they see that my neck is ruler straight - no curve in it at all. They see some minor slipped discs but nothing else. Well in addition to the numbness, my spine literally feels like someone is pouring acid on it all the way down. Near the top of my back between my shoulder blades, it feels like someone is sticking in hot and sharp razors. Until this past wednesday, the only MRIs I've had were of my neck and head. They never found more than what I just described.As for treatments, I've had multiple injections (inside my spinal cord and out), nerve cauterizations in my neck, physical therapy (pointless and very painful), and have been prescribed all the NSAIDs out there. Since none of that really helped, finally one doctor put me on norco. It did help with the pain but I was getting seizures, so they switched me to Lyrica and Percocets. Those really helped. Now all of a sudden, no doctor will give me any percos. I'm just using lyrica. To even try to manage the pain, I'm supposed to only take the 75mg 3x/day. I end up taking them 4 times a day. I know its not good for me. At times when sleeping I suddenly wake up to find that I haven't been breathing. I force air inside my lungs as hard and as fast as possible. But let me tell you, it isn't a pleasant feeling.
Doctors keep giving me the run around and the pain manage people in my area only want to do injections which DO NOT WORK!!!
I don't know where I ran across this saying, but it goes like this: everyone starts the day with a certain number of spoons. Each activity takes one of them. By the end of the day, you are usually down to your remaining few. Those with chronic pain use of most of them just be getting out of bed. This is true for me. I have no more spoons anymore. Anything even slightly stressful just ruins my whole day. I find that I'm constantly snapping at my wife. I can't work, heck, I can't even do basic house chores. My entire world revolves around the living room of my house. I cannot even get out. Whats more, I live in a very small community (3,000 people) with no support groups. Also, the general area I live in is dominated by a very conservative religion that I am not a part of, nor have any intentions of ever joining. Thus I am even more of an outsider. I'm on Medicare, which means any medical treatment I get is rushed and the doctors are not caring. I saw a neurosurgeon a couple weeks ago. When he saw my MRI, he said the same thing everyone else did. He asked when I was last on percocts and I tole him six weeks. He said "good." He did not give me anything for pain. All he did was order an MRI of my lower spine (shoulders and below) and a nerve test - which I had last year and passed. Last Wednesday I had both done. The nerve test was extremely painful as it was setting off all my nerves. My entire left arm felt like I had hit my funny bone, but the feeling was all over. When I commented on that, the "doctor" told me he hadn't even tested that nerve yet - like I was making this shit up. Then he jabbed into my neck and man, that was a whole new level of pain. then I went to the hospital to have the MRI done. Its been a week now and my neurosurgeon STILL hasn't gotten back to me with the results, and even then, said he would never prescribe pain medication.My entire life is filled with horrible pain. There is not one instance where I am not thinking of it. I try to take my mind off it by doing mentally intensive activities, but that only lasts so long.
I am frustrated. I am angry. I am anxious. I am very depressed. The pain has literally ruined my life, and I fear its affecting my marriage. It kills me every time my wife goes off to work (she does manual labor) and I don't. I slaughters my self esteem that I can't even do the simplest house work liek vacuum or the dishes. She has to do it all.
I want to die. Let me clarify, I am not suicidal at all in any way. I have a Christian faith. However, I can't help but to wish that I have cancer, or that I'll get in an auto accident or something so that I can just die and end this entire world of pain. I am getting no help what so ever. There is no support around here at all. Hell, I'd travel the US if I could find someone who would help me. But that's a dream that will never happen.
I am just sitting here in endless torment hoping that someday my world will end. I wish people would help. I don't know if its because of the government cracking down on doctors prescribing pain medicine, or if its just this repressive area (and it IS repressive). I mean hell, the town nearby just got a super walmart and even IT isn't open 24 hours due to religious reasons. Walmart of all places!
I'm at the end of my rope. Literally. I wake up MISSING spoons. I have no hope. I was hoping the neurosurgeon would find something that he could fix via surgery, but so far no luck. And I don't even have the minor comfort that pain pills can give. All I have is Lyrica which lasts only about 4 hours and all it does is bring my pain level down from a 10 to an 8... but I guess an 8 is better than nothing, right?
I am not a drug addict, and I hate that I always have to clarify this shit... but .... sigh.. I guess this turned into a rant. I'm sorry. I'm just very hopeless and extremely depressed. I don't want to go on to anti depressants, I just want the pain to go away! I want to be able to work again! I want to be able to do house work, or yard work, or hell, even make love to my wife! We're lucky if I'm up to it more than once a month!
At this point, I really hate doctors. I don't know why they got into the medical field if they don't help people like me with chronic pain.
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