Christmas Stress
I am discouraged because of the stress during Christmas. Some might think that I am just talking but I am in agony. I am not used to seeing my Christmas being messed up like this. My mother is full of depression, no communication with family but a few family members believe that I am not caring for her and that I am being abusive towards her. I don't know what to do or say anymore. This morning my mother weighed herself, she weighed 93.2 because she is going through a serious depression. Her weight goes up and down. When she is more calm, she will eat more and gain more weight.
I feel angry myself because of the bull that was told to her by doctors. One told her two months ago that she would die if they did surgery on her back. She was told by the doctor who suggested the back surgery that she would die after the surgery. Throughout the year my mother was told that she would die. Thanksgiving of this year was not so good, although I tried to be happy and not think on things. I am not looking forward to Christmas because my mother is going through the same fear as she did in Thanksgiving. The depression may be worse than Thanksgiving. When the fear come on to my mother like this, she will become more depressed, no one can not talk to her, I go go over to hug her and do whatever I talk to her, she won't hear me because she will not listen or believe me because she thinks that I am saying stuff to her just to make her happy but I'm not. I am telling her the truth and use myself as an example. When I tell her what I had went through through during my teenage years and I would not lie to her or to no one because I would not want anyone doing that to me.
I understand that others are going through mess too; I am trying to do whatever I can to make myself happy. I try to think about happy stuff. I got a new computer, I play games, enjoy music (most of it is old music from the 1980s and 1970s). I do all that I can to make myself happy but it is hard as hell when someone is depressed, am I doing something?
Replies
Stop. Pause. Breathe. Relax.
As the primary care giver for your mom, you have to be diligent about taking care of you first.
You are doing what you can while she is independent and living on her own. Her choice. That fear, you're doing all you can.
I was told when I became the primary care giver that I would have to completely separate my feelings and emotions when making decisions and not respond to accusations made. You can have adult protective services come in to check on her with the information you've shared here.
You're doing the best you can with the information you have available. Paranoia is common in cases for elderly.
Please know you give yourself happiness in doing the best you can, and supporting your well-being in the simple things, little things. It really does help you to keep balanced when facing moments with their paranoia.
What Mid said.
I've gone the APS route for my mom. It's useless where I live ---- we have like 3 social workers for the whole county! ---- but also call them for *you*! Adults with elderly parents don't realize how much support they need till they get there ---- I sure as heck didn't. So if Adult Protective Services comes in and asks if YOU need help? Don't be shy. Tell 'em you're overwhelmed by people assumign you're abusive when your mom is the one choosing not to eat.
And, boy, do I get the paranoia thing. The phobias. My mom pre-tumor? Not so mmuch. With and since tumor? Forget it. She'll assume the insects were sent to her apartment on purpose by some enemy if she gets going, so.... forget what the docs said or did. Focus on what you can say or do....
B/c we do all die. My mom will die if she catches flu b/c she 's in fragile health. It's not great, but it's fact. And she's depressed, and I can't do anything for her b/c she won't choose to do it ofr herself, and that's... that's the rotten burden of caring for someone.
HUGS
Leo said it more openly than I did. Those accusations can wear on your self worth really fast. Hopefully, APS is able to provide you with resources and support.
I told my mom this morning that I wished that she did not have to remember what was told to her. I mean I suffer from the sciatic nerve and I am still trying to have a good Christmas regardless. The funny and sad thing that is going on with my mom is the fact that since she had been told that she is going to die on Christmas, she is so full of fear that she found herself crying in the morning, talk about her childhood, how her kids were disrespectful towards her throughout the years. my mom is very sensitive.
I am hoping and wishing that when Christmas is over my mom would feel better and start eating. Her weight now is 95 pounds and sometimes it goes down to 93 pounds. When she sees that, she thinks that she is going to die, and then she wants to leave.
Winter, as hard as it is, your mom is the only one who can change what she feels.
We change the subject as many times as we have to, and step away from this one = everyone, including mom feels less burdened with the feeling.
Switching from Christmas to the current moment. Every single time. It works.
It's harder than it seems.
I know and realize that my mom is the only one who could make herself happy, that is the reason I had shared with my mom that letting doctors affect her is not pleasant. In fact, she had stated to me that she wished that she was not so sensitive and let others upset her like this. I even told mom about the time she had gone to a doctor's appointment, while we were sitting there waiting for mom's turn, in walked a doctor she had seen when she was admitted to the hospital. He was there to see a doctor himself because of some illness he has. Also, my own doctor had stopped working at my clinic because she had cancer. I do not know where it was but it was enough that her hair was shorter than usual. She was switched to another clinic. I am not sure if she is still a doctor or stopped working.
The point is, doctors are people just like we are and they get sick just like anyone else; they can not predict anything on anyone such as telling another person they are going to die. That is wrong!! I had to say things to a doctor myself, one doctor had told me that if I said anything else they were going to ask me to leave. The neat thing is my mom is now seeing a new doctor who is seeing her more often than her old doctor. I told mom this morning that PSTD is a terrible thing for anyone not just for someone who is 85. Even I have trauma things but I refuse to sit and focus on them. Right now we have too much idle time on our hands. I am using a computer that does not have any sound but I enjoy playing my installed games on it. I got another chrome computer for Christmas. I love the fact I can listen to Spotify on it.
Again I am loving this moment right now. I dislike the fact I had lost my cats and my dad last year but I do know that if he was here, he would not want me to be unhappy. I love my mom dearly, she is the only parent I have left but I am bothered about her depression, and what makes it worse is that I know about some things that is making her depressed.
You are doing the right thing writing it out! The more you write it out, the easier it is to remain calm as you share the moments with her.
Here's to making the best of the time you have with her, and taking care of you, too!
Thanks so much for your replies. I just do not like when someone else indicates that I will lose my mom. I have heard enough stuff to make me cry every day of my life. I just wish others would spare me the negative talk.
Again thank you Mid and Leo for your kind words, I just wish others would give me the same respect. I would not start sharing with others about something they do not want to hear. My head feels that it is going to explode.
Winter, my heart aches for you in hearing that from people. Due to the fact that my mother refuses to see a doctor, it eliminates one major source of medical opinion and diagnosis. There are other people who wish to force a doctor visit, and due to my knowledge of her desire to not see a doctor, I'm following that desire.
It was really difficult to be the one to tell everyone else that if they had suggestions, they are on their own in sharing them.
I don't have any suggestions to help you other than what you are doing, which is writing it out. You can not stop people telling their opinion.
Please know we support you!
That is true about people giving their opinion. No matter how much you tell them not to give their opinion or that you do not care to hear it nor would you give them your opinion because it might make them feel awful, sort of like respecting them.
I feel for you when you say that your mom refuse to go to the doctor to get checked out. It makes you worry a lot because there could be something wrong.
Winter, when I went to the doctor - he said to put my health first, my well-being first. I can not change how she feels, and it's not my problem - I've done everything possible, except take care of me first.
Everyone knows she refuses to see a doctor. Until something happens, that's it. So, I check on her, and I keep my distance from everyone. Tonight's visit showed me that she is not doing well, and the downside is that she wants to go naturally. I respect that. When someone tells me, I smile, and step back now. I don't even waste my breath.
Your family has no right to complain about how you are caring for your mom which sounds like you are doing a very good job. If they don't like it, then they can step in a help or care for her. Caring for an elderly and/or ill parent is the hardest job their is and one of the most thankless. I speak from experience.
I'm sorry your mom is depressed. You're not doing anything wrong. It's just so hard. That's why we come on here for help and support I guess. Getting out of the house and taking a walk or just doing something outside of the house seems to help me clear my head a little bit. Can your mom get out and get some fresh air, too? If not, I understand. Take care. W
Hi Winter, it's me Chris, this is my new DS profile since early november :) We hope you and your family are doing well, enjoyed a great Christmas, and we send our love, wishing you all a healthy,and happy new year :)