Christmas is coming

Today I was in the mall for my dentist appointment. I walked around watching people rush to and from stores. Then I began to think about what DH and I lost over the last two years. I miss my brother so much. I did by his ex a present for Christmas just because she does visit my parents every month and that I can not hold on to sadness or anger anymore. She has a beautiful little girl for whom I wished was my niece. I can not help feeling like I am cursed or something. One of our only chances to have children in our family was through my brother. I know that we are still trying and adopting, but I can help feeling this way at the moment.I can not escape all the holiday talk about whose house they will be going to and what they are planning to buy their nieces and newphews...all I can talk about is what I am bought for my parents and DH. No kids in this equation.Life just does not seem good anymore...like I am walking in someone elses shoes just waiting for the end. Christmas has lost some of its joy. I guess I am finally beginning to grieve my losses in a more profound way. I am not angry or jealous, I just feel deprived. Deprived of love,  or deprived of a life that I thought I had and will have again.I feel like I am going through the emotions of holding it together and all I want to do is just let it go and face reality...what ever that is.Boy do I seem depressed today. I guess eating a small amount of  chocolate is having this effect on me. Up until now, I have been feeling good...seeming to come to terms with all my emotions. I guess a even a little toxin in the system can imbalance a person. Tomorrow I will try harder to eat right and maybe I will not feel this way.Good night