Christmas Eve, alone

This Christmas season has been tough for me. 
My brother passed away this past Sunday. He was diagnosed with dementia and ALS about 4 years ago, he progressed quickly and has been in a nursing home for over a year.  I knew the end was near and visited him in Arizona in August.  So I've been in Az for his funeral and to be with family, but we have scattered back to homes, and none live within 1000 miles of here.  So I would so much like to be with my siblings, but can't.
My kids spent the day with me.  I was tired, jet lagged, and just plain sad much of the day.  I held the sadness back as I wanted my children to have as enjoyable a holiday as possible with me.  I did light a candle in honor of my brother and had a few minutes of grief well over me. But the hugged and loved me through that.  We did have a nice time today, but then after dinner they went to their moms.  So now I'm sitting here alone, depressed. I'm writing because I can't think of anything more constructive. I don't think I know anyone anymore on this site as I've not been active, so basically I'm writing for and to myself.  Which is very much how I feel right now.
I would like to develop a relationship with a woman of like mind.  I can not get a final divorce as she will not sign any agreement, and I can't afford to continue to litigate.  So I'm not really free to pursue a relationship, though I desire this companionship.  I have made a friend that I see occasionally, but we are both taking it very slow, albeit for different reasons.  It does feel good to talk to a woman who cares, but we are not really close enough and can't get close enough for me to even call her more than a friend.  Its complicated, she is nice, but has children, as young as nine, and I feel guilty taking her away from her kids to go out, even though I am sure she appreciates the break.
I'm sure there are more constructive things I could do tonight and tomorrow - perhaps I'll get out of this funk and play some music or something.  But for now, I just feel sad lonely and depressed.  Sigh.