Christmas Eve

Harvey, Cevyn, Andrew and Tiina are all here. We had our turkey dinner today as Cevyn and her dad will be having Christmas dinner with Harvey's dad tomorrow.  It is fine with me as Andrew and Tiina will be here.  The important thing is that we will be all together in the morning for gift opening.
I spent the day cooking - I enjoy it most times.  However today was difficult.  Lisa always watched to see that the turkey was brined, that the dressing was the same and we both enjoyed the crispy bits of the bird. She was a wonderful baker so she made sensational pies for dessert.
We made it through the meal.  Our son, Andrew, entertained - he has an off the wall sense of humour which Cevyn loves.  So we enjoyed the meal and entertainment.  Then it hit me.  Lisa was there in spirit but her physical self, and her laugh were missing. It just wasn't the same.  I had a candle burning for her all day, and will tomorrow.  But after dinner, I lost it.  I spent an hour in my bedroom crying my eyes out.  I really felt, and still do feel empty.  Thankfully, Joe took over and cleaned up.
I think Harvey is struggling.  Andrew and I both noticed - he is not his overly cheerful self.  And he didn't help at all with the cooking, something he normally enjoys.  
So as much as we are trying to keep it happy and normal, Christmas is not the same and never will be. 
A loss of a child is horrendous in and of itself.  However more is lost - the life and traditions that we took for granted. 
I wish my sisters at FMO a peaceful and blessed holiday. 
God willing, tomorrow will be a better day.