Christmas

It was Christmas Eve at my parents house and I got to spend some time with the kids.  I dont know if it was me or not but the atmosphere was tense.  I dont physically feel well when my ex wife is around and tonight was no exception.  MY mother was in a big hurry to do everything like she gets when nervous.  I feel that her nervous behaviors makes an already tense situation worse.  What ever situation, it was good to play with my kids.  I am sober for a reason.  The kids know that in less than two weeks they will get to spend time with me.  I have decided that for the first couple of visits I will not be bringing them around my mother.  The kids need some time with me and only me.  They have been through hell and I am going to try an make it as easy as possible for them.  The kids did behave as they normally do.  My oldest was quiet and distant.  The younger two were trying hard to get and hold on to my attention.  The youngest, who barely knows my parents, seem to warm up to them more than the last couple of visits.  I am still amazed by how she knows me so well.  I was told by alot of people that children dont forget the love.  I know as a kid where I was welcomed and who loved me and who didnt.  I dont know if I am ungrateful or not but this year felt a little more steriile than last.  I dont know if it is because my emotions are balanced or I am becomeing jaded.  I was missing the kids already towards the end of the evening.  Maybe it is just sinking in the distance I feel now between my kids and myself.  It is like I am just a temp dad on the rare occasions they are brought around.  I hope that feeling changes once regular visitations start. We will have to wait and see. Other than that I am grateful for all my God has given me.  The evening may not have felt wonderful to me, but I am sure the kids had a great time.  I think they will loosen up a bit more when they are not under the scruitiny of their controlling mother. It might even be a welcomed relief for them.  I know it will be for me.  God is great and does great things.