Choosing MY purpose ~ It is up to me!
Today I'm seeing my counsellor for the last visit this year...
I don't like talking about what happened. I have it very locked down... I might not have dealt with it (allowed myself to grieve) but... the thought of unpacking it... gets me stressed.
Too many bad memories wanting to come out and pound me at once! Holding the door shut... well, that does take a fair amount of effort... I think about just letting go the handle and stepping into the melee...
I don't really have anything to lose because I've already LOST almost everything...
No family...
No friends apart from the amazing people on Twitter, FB, and here...
No idea who I am...
No belief...
No purpose...
Woah! Let's back that up cos yeah... That is how I spent the first part of my life thinking and living. I kept "being" whoever other people wanted me to be... and I just grabbed whatever "purpose" others placed on me. Sure, I have no idea WHO I am or what my "purpose" actually is... but those are things I get to CHOOSE!
So... Purpose synonyms...
Ambition ~ hmmm! That one's difficult, don't like competition
Determination ~ have plenty of that
Drive ~ badly, lmao... but yeah that is lack of PRACTICE!
Enthusiasm ~ limited quantities available... rofl
Initiative ~ yeah, I'll go with that one!
Motivation ~ highly... but getting enthusiasm on board... what would be a good bribe???
Resolve ~ oh where are you, you fickle creature, lmao
Steadfastness ~ can I substitute stoicism... I don't think so...
I don't like talking about what happened. I have it very locked down... I might not have dealt with it (allowed myself to grieve) but... the thought of unpacking it... gets me stressed.
Too many bad memories wanting to come out and pound me at once! Holding the door shut... well, that does take a fair amount of effort... I think about just letting go the handle and stepping into the melee...
I don't really have anything to lose because I've already LOST almost everything...
No family...
No friends apart from the amazing people on Twitter, FB, and here...
No idea who I am...
No belief...
No purpose...
Woah! Let's back that up cos yeah... That is how I spent the first part of my life thinking and living. I kept "being" whoever other people wanted me to be... and I just grabbed whatever "purpose" others placed on me. Sure, I have no idea WHO I am or what my "purpose" actually is... but those are things I get to CHOOSE!
So... Purpose synonyms...
Ambition ~ hmmm! That one's difficult, don't like competition
Determination ~ have plenty of that
Drive ~ badly, lmao... but yeah that is lack of PRACTICE!
Enthusiasm ~ limited quantities available... rofl
Initiative ~ yeah, I'll go with that one!
Motivation ~ highly... but getting enthusiasm on board... what would be a good bribe???
Resolve ~ oh where are you, you fickle creature, lmao
Steadfastness ~ can I substitute stoicism... I don't think so...
Replies
Okay so eight items... two of which I know I\'m short on...
Resolve ~ I\'m picking that is linked to a PTSD impairment ~ difficulty planning and anticipating &/or difficulty communicating wishes and desires... both make MAKING a decision quite challenging
Steadfastness ~ that could actually be \"Poor modulation of impulses\" hmmm! I\'d also throw in \"Difficulties in attention regulation and executive functioning, lack of sustained curiosity, problems focusing on and completing tasks\" so yeah, how to tone down the zig-zagging...