Choices: bad or not good..
My home life is in shambles..it is a very cold environment. We are no longer even talking..We live in a 2-story house; she stays upstair & when I come home, I don't go upstairs to greet her. I head straight to the kitchen, get a bite to eat (lately I haven't even been eating) & flop on the couch where I will stay until 5am when I get up to go to work..neither of us has anything to say that the other really wants to hear..it's a pins & needles/walking on egg-shells atmosphere..I can't just get a place of my own; I have so many bills to pay off & it is not financially stable for me to leave..Emotionally I would be separated from my son - who is my only anchor to this world; I look forward to seeing him everyday. He calls me his 'buddy'; he comforts me & I provide security for him - we need each other. Separating from my spouse would also mean separating from my son - I can't bear that. I'm not sure that finding my own place & being isolated will be a good idea..so I feel stuck - damn if I do, damned if I don't. This decision is like the folks on the top floors of the world trade center when the planes hit; do you jump to your death or perish in the inferno. Perhaps I should flip a coin: heads she wins, tails I lose..
I'm very bitter, angry, frustrated, & depressed..I know I will take this rage out on myself when totally left with my own solitude; as if I'm put in solitary confinement..there will be no barriers, impediments for self-destruction - it will be me, my pills, my gun, and no will to fight off the demons..those fleeting thoughts of suicide will become constant, perpetual day-dreams; romanticized ideations of a nirvana that is free from pain & impending, everlasting misery..
I'm very bitter, angry, frustrated, & depressed..I know I will take this rage out on myself when totally left with my own solitude; as if I'm put in solitary confinement..there will be no barriers, impediments for self-destruction - it will be me, my pills, my gun, and no will to fight off the demons..those fleeting thoughts of suicide will become constant, perpetual day-dreams; romanticized ideations of a nirvana that is free from pain & impending, everlasting misery..
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This makes me so very sad....it is like reading about my own son\'s marital chaos that eventually ruined him...and he died by his own hand....temporary insanity? I do know he was depressed...but there are still so many questions that will never be answered....I hope you don\'t put your son through the hell we have been in since we lost our son. It has taken us to hell and back. I would never want even my worst enemy to suffer this kind of sorrow. You seem to be flirting with the idea....having thoughts of worthlessness....we ALL go through these periods. My son was an achiever...goal oriented person who was a nurse...and well loved by all but his depressed alcoholic wife....he was devastated by their situation..one he had no control over. It made no sense to us, his loving biological family, that this happened. We will never ever be the same. I don\'t blame God....but I have blamed myself for not knowing the depth of his pain when he let me know of their problems. When someone dies it is such a sad time...but to leave by suicide is a complicated grief that is a lifetime of unanswered questions. We all have assumed guilt to a degree...wishing we could have been there to step in front of the bullet...I would have died for him...and wished for death constantly ..and sometimes I still do...but God has another plan and I have to be here....as for my son...God has him....Please do not make your son...\"your buddy\" live this life without you...he will never ever understand...and could possibly do the same thing one of these days....you do not know the wake of terror you will leave behind.....I am telling you from experience. My granddaughter (son\'s step daughter) is devastated....she has been taunted by kids on the bus who say cruel things about suicide....I have had to educate her about mental illness. Please see a doctor...medication that is strictly supervised may be the answer....God be with you. I will pray for you.....I have faith that you will heed these words of mine ..from a mother who loved her son immensely and still does...forever.....Hugs,...dale, brandon\'s mom
I know both sides of the coin... i have lived my days for the last at least 15 yrs in the game of whats the worst of the two evils ... to stay or to go... i live with the emotional abuse because i love my kids and would rather give up my happiness than to see them without their father... but now that this many years have past i now see (after a year of therapy) all i have done was to teach them that its ok to put up with such a dysfunctional way of living :( Im not saying to leave and im not saying to stay... im just saying there is consequences to both ways.... ideally in the end what would be best for your son is to see TWO parents that are emotionally healthy and happy together or not as long as you both can give him what he needs is whats best for him. Hugggzzz i hope nothing ive side has offended you because im not intending for it to be that way.