children behave differently
2 of my children exploded soon after the divorce was final. In one case, she sent nasty texts calling her father names. The other blew up over something completely unrelated and extremely minor, then told me she hated me, I was a bad mother, etc. threw some things around and just basically "lost it" for a few hours. I sobbed in my room when she wouldn't even talk to me. The next day she never acknowledged how very badly she behaved but was much calmer and rational. This child has barely expressed herself in the last 2 years, so I am not surprised at the blow-up. What hurt like hell is that it was at ME and I know she will not do the same for her father, but behave well for him when she goes over there. I have been told that that is because she needs to lash out and get everything out but chooses the person she knows she can trust, even if the vast majority of her hurt and anger are toward my X who had the affair, who left, who is living with that person, who isn't reliable, who makes demands, etc. and they know I get very little c.s. for them. Sometimes I wish I had been the one to make dozens of selfish decisions w/o thinking about the kids and spouse. Maybe they would appreciate me more & treat me more politely! I don't really mean that, but that is what it seems like, sometimes. There is sure a real "good time dad" thing going on with their father. They went out to do something fun with him today and I bought the kids groceries, clothing, shoes and did laundry. How do you deal with this?!
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I can so relate to your journal. I have been told the same thing, they react with the one they feel safe with.. I get told all the \"stuff\" and I do tell my son to let his father know if something is bothering him that he is doing.That \"I\" cannot intervene I had him yelling at me \" you and my dad need to realize its my weekend, my spring break..I dont like being shared\" but he would never tell his dad that.. My heart cries for all the kids in these messes.. i have no more tears on the outside, tear ducts dried up..but i do get irritable at times.. It is not fair, I agree.. I wish I had answers for you.. and for me.. Not to sound bad or selfish but sometimes in my heart, i wish the kids would treat him badly, let him know how they feel, how much pain he has caused them, would stick up for Mom.. but i know , for now, that is not going to happen.. Yeah it hurts, a lot.. I will try and follow this journal because i would be interested in the responses also.. til then, we have to keep being the Moms we were ( I dont even think i am that same person.. I am broken.. different) , and pray that in the long run, they will realize who was truly there for them.. Hugs to you.. I wish there way to follow this.. let me know if you get some solid advice.. I am sure there will be some..
I can also relate,very well, to this journal and these same kind of issues.
Since we are newly friends, I\'ll fill in some of the blanks. I made the decision to move out and file for divorce, when i didn\'t leave fast enough ( one month) he kicked me out. Very abusive marriage,very dillusional man. Plus there was the drinking/drugs,cheating,lying,stealing,etc. When we were married he was rarely home and now he wants complete control of the kids.At the time,my son was 11,my daughter was 17. That was 6 yrs. ago.
I\'m trying to give you some insight as to what can happen down the road from where you are with all this, because even i couldn\'t have predicted our lives would be like this now.
My daughter hasn\'t spoke a single word to her Dad since the separation. It was right at that time that she turned 18 and could choose for herself.Her Dad was trying to convince her that it was all my fault and when she wouldn\'t talk to him about it,he told her she was nothing but a wicked retarded bitch,just like her Mom.That was it,she refuses to have any contact. In some ways that made things even harder because her brother didn\'t understand and chose/got tricked into staying at Dad\'s 50% of the time,which hurt her even more.
There were times (seldom) that she couldn\'t talk to me,scared the hell out of me. We had already dealt with so much abuse that i feared she might \"check out\". She moved out with me and we still live together,sharing expenses and just trying to get by. She\'s an extemely good and dedicated young woman and the asst. manager at our local bank, yet the pain is still there.
I REALLY,really thought that my x would land himself in jail and that we wouldn\'t have to deal with his presence very much but even though there are 9 police reports involving him (at last count) he\'s still here and tries to bully us whenever he can.
We also really thought that once we got away from him that we would actually start living again. We knew it would take time and understanding and work, and even though we are in a better place,we are still so broken that \"life\" really hasn\'t moved very far away from that pain.
To me...it doesn\'t really matter what the pain is, as long as you have it, you will feel bound by it.
I really do understand about the \"good-time dad\" thing and the fact that you take on the responsibilities of the neccessities for the kids.But that can be hurtful too. I used to feel better just knowing that day in day out,I provided for the kids, but honestly i think that you must do at least one thing that lifts you out of the trenches and makes your heart feel alive.
I spent a lot of time with a therapist but then we became such good friends that now I work for her and we often go out together for lunch/dinner and visit each other\'s homes so i find it hard to unload my dirty laundry on her.I don\'t want her to feel as if i have nothing to do but complain. I HATE complaining,truly,always have. I have sooo many things to be thankful for that for the most part i can still feel happy a lot of the time, but the pain is still so strong it drops me to my knees sometimes, in the quiet times, when i think no one will see.
It hurts so bad what i had/have to watch my kids go through. I think you must address your feelings with the kids and the divorce and the aftermath, cuz I\'m here to say that it doesn\'t just go away.
On the discussion boards, you sound like such a smart,caring person so i really hope that you will honor yourself and find a way. Sending smiles and hugs.
Stay strong. You have the better end of the deal. #1 your kids love and feel safe enough to communicate with you (even if it is a blow up). #2 You are on higher ground. I felt the same way, how I wish I was the selfish one who focused only on what I wanted and bla bla bla...the truth is, we would feel worse, ridden with guilt, would have been immature and been in a lot of pain...they aren\'t in pain becuase they have no empathy. WE have a soul and we lived by our values..that is a lot to be grateful for and feel solace in.
#3 Your kids know they have ONE parent they can depend on - you! It may not seem like it, but they KNOW and that is something you might not ever hear spoken but it is TRUTH and it means a hell of a lot!