Childhood Haunting..
I went to visit my mom a little while ago, and I felt so mad at her after I realized how much my childhood is affecting me now. I dont even think about my childhood much but it still has shaped me and I hate that. My mom was and still is an alcoholic. My life was spent taking care of her and my younger siblings. She embarrassed me if a friend ever came over because she couldnt control herself when she drank. She allowed my dad, my stepdad, and her ex bf to beat on her and fight me and my siblings. I was constantly trying to break up thier fights. I saw and heard way too much, whether it was domestic violence, sexual, or having to do with drugs or alcohol. My stepdad was a drug dealer and very open about it. He even had a meth lab in our house when I was in the 6th grade. On my 14th birthday our hotel room got raided (we were homeless that year) and again when I was 15, which was extremely scary. My parents were and still are verbally abusive to me. My moms ex bf was suicidal and several times I caught him cutting his wrists. Once I even caught my mom cutting. When I was 18 my parents were so screwed up they didnt even celebrate Christmas.My siblings were 14, 9, and 7. By then I was with my BD and we had to go buy a tree and presents for my siblings. At 19 I eloped with him and we got our first apartment. I was glad to be out of my parents house but the chaos didnt stop. My siblings were always running away to my house. The reason I eloped is because my parents didnt care about helping us plan a wedding because they were always high or drunk. One of the reasons I felt so safe about marrying him was the day he stood up to my stepdad for me. There was only one can of soup in the house that day. We hardly ever had food. My youngest sister heated it up for herself but came in my room crying because her my stepdad took it from her and she was starving. I went and confronted him about it so he said "ok bi*** you can have it" and threw the hot soup at me. My mom screamed for him to leave me alone so he threw her up against the counter and choked her. My BD was in my room and came running out. He pulled my stepdad off her and my brother helped him hold my stepdad down by the throat. My sister called the cops. Point being, he stood up for me not only to him but to other people as well. He promised to always protect me. These past few years, he has been the one to hurt me the most out of everyone. I honestly didnt see that I have not rose above my upbringing. I mean, I dont do drugs and rarely drink, and I'm not physically abused, but I've put up with way more from my ex than a normal woman would. Makes me really mad.
Replies
How do you know you\'ve put up with more than a normal woman would? You have much to be proud of from the childhood you had. You learned what drinking can do to good people. You don\'t do drugs. You don\'t let anyone physically abuse you.
Yes, you had a hell of a childhood but you have a strength from that and you need to realize it. My childhood wasn\'t as rough as yours but it wasn\'t the best.
You have the strength to change what you don\'t like, the strength to know when something isn\'t right. I hope you have learned to like yourself because you have knowledge that a lot of people don\'t know.
I think I\'ve put up with more than a normal woman because I have been going through it off and on for 5 years. Most people would have left long ago. Most of my friends dont understand how I dont feel too disgusted to take him back. I just feel like I dont know when to end a relationship because of what I learned as a child. I should have left my ex for good back in 2008 but I dont know how many chances you are supposed to give someone before you stop giving. That\'s what I\'m trying to learn I guess. I know I dont want to be in a marriage like this. I\'ve put way too much into it and all I got was hurt over and over again. Thanks for commenting.. It helps me to get my thoughts out and figure myself out. I dont want to keep making the same mistakes forever.
Ending a bad relationship is different for everyone and your tolerance for accepting less than perfect goes back to your childhood. You end a relationship when you know you are done.When you can\'t take anymore, you\'ve put up with all you can and then you are just done.
I should have been done long ago but I\'m not a quitter and I thought my marriage was normal because of my family and the way I lived. I\'m used to beng alone, no friends, and I like my privacy. But the ex used that to cheat, and manipulate to get his needs met. So I stayed to long until I found out exactly what he was and was doing to me and other women. I\'m divorced now and happy but it doesn\'t take much to make me happy.
You will figure this out for yourself.
Wow, so sorry you had to live that way as a child. No one should have to go through that. I can see why you tried and tried to save your marriage.
Good luck to you
It sounds like you experienced more than a \"normal\" child would have.
I learned something a few years ago, and my childhood was fairly charmed really, but certainly not perfect. The one thing that was difficult for me to handle and has left a lasting imprint on me, also was responsible for creating one of the aspects of me that I really value a lot, because it was born originally as a coping mechanism.
I think that IS normal for people, it\'s such a human thing, and so now I\'m really curious about what beautiful nuggets you ended up developing as coping mechanisms, thinsg that helped you feel OK, or able to tolerate things, or help you feel comforted, or safe despite what was going on around you.
Mine was art, I would draw and paint and sculpt things, and it would take my mind off of what was bothering me. To this day, when I lose myself in something creative, its a blissful feeling doing it, and I\'m always grateful when its over and I see what I\'ve done.
So, what is it for you?
I was also an artist.. I was always drawing, painting, and I loved ceramics class in school. I also read A LOT. I used books as a way to escape my reality. I still read a lot, but not as an escape anymore, just for information or pleasure. I was athletic and played soccer for my school, which was another escape. These days, I run at least 3 times a week. It helps calm my anxiety and lift my mood. I LOVE running. Being a caregiver made me feel needed. My mom tells everyone I was the real mom in our house. I was the one who made sure my siblings ate, even if I didnt. I took care of them, taught them things like tying shoes, riding a bike, reading, etc. I felt responsible for them. When I was 16, my stepdad went to jail for a year and my mom was so depressed that she would come home from work and lock herself in her room and sleep. If she was awake, she was drinking. For a whole year, it was up to me to care for my family. It was very stressful and a lot of pressure. I ended up depressed too. I still have resentment towards my parents for not letting me just be a kid. I feel like my mom stole a whole year of my life. But anyways, coping for me was reading, running, art, and journaling. I have most of my journals still. The bad thing for me is these past 4 years of journals are basially repeats of the same ol stuff... Me being brokenhearted over my husband, me feeling alone as a parent, wishing hoping he would change.. us getting back together, him cheating again... I\'m done with the same ol stuff... I want my journals to be a happy story, u know?