Checking in

I'm not on often because I'm not wanting opinions to sway my decisions. I'm the only one in this relationship, with these kids and this life. I'm the only one who can say what is and is not real/happening.

I still don't know what role if much or any, my PTSD plays. But I do know that I'm not him. I haven't done the things he's done and I won't take responsibility for them anymore. He hasn't owned his mistakes. He sees no reason why he should need any help. He belittles his actions. I don't think there's anything in him that wants to change.....so I'm filing for divorce.

I still have trouble saying he's abusive. My counselor is working with me on that kinda. I keep telling her that obviously I was safe. He never carried out threats. He never really hurt me - and she says "you were physically safe." It still boggles my mind that there are other types of safety. It makes sense that some of the things he did made me feel intense feelings but emotional and psychological safety is a new thing for me. It's hard to digest the full meaning of the word "safety." 

I have a job. I'm working at a daycare that pays very little but the kids stay for next to nothing. The little one is in my class which actually seems to be a disaster but we are going to make it work. My boss is helpful and hopeful. I love it and hate it for a lot of reasons - too many to type, but I'm blessed to have a job. It's about 2 minutes from the house. Yes, 2. 

I meet my lawyer again on the 12th. Heading to the house this weekend to pick up some documents I didn't know I'd need. I have a safety plan in place. He won't be there but knows I will be. He's been reasonable and I "feel" like I should trust him but I also still feel like I shouldn't. If anyone else had done the things he's done I'd be terrified of them. 

My parents watch a lot of toxic tv. That's been difficult but I do have my own space now. I escape when I need to and they know I hate their "murder and mayhem" as they call it, so they try to watch other things when I'm around/awake. 

I'm doing okay. Not nearly as anxious as I was. I've been insanely sad because I miss the one on one time with my kiddos and I got some today. All the other kids were asleep <3 I put them to bed without missing them for the first time since I moved here. I hate having to share.