Check out time?...
I awoke this morning with tremendous anxiety of the future; my marriage has been giving a 1yr timeline before me and my wife make the transition to separation and then divorce. I feel very angry, bitter, frustrated, on top of being depressed, and have turned this internally on myself and her. I told her that I'm giving up now - why try to rehab myself if I have no future to look forward to? If I'm this miserable now, being alone & seeing my son only on weekends will make me feel better??!! I now feel really trapped and that I only have one alternative. I already have a gun and am really thinking about turning it only on myself and getting this over with...
Replies
Please don\'t! There is so much to live for, mal. Please think about the suffering you would put your son through if you killed yourself. Please get help, and if you aren\'t ready to do that, at least get rid of that damn gun. Please??
Mal listen to me i know u dont know who i am ,but i am telling you now,put away the gun pick up the phone and dial 911 NOW.....you need help,its ok they will help you,no shame in calling,I know you love your son DO NOT PUT HIM THRU THIS!!!! he will start thinking he was the reason,behind you doing this,,,I know u dont want that.....please call 911 NOW...it will be fine i promise.
Mal,
You don\'t know me either but, I went through a divorce also years ago. I had 3 children. Please do not harm yourself because this will affect your son for the rest of his life. You can live through this divorce. It is not the end of the world. Does it hurt, absolutely but, there are brighter days ahead. Sometimes we have to go through valleys in life so we can appreciate the mountain tops. I am here if you need to message me. I am a minister but, I was once a Biker, drug user and alcoholic. I have been where you are and I understand how you feel.
Everyone has told me that this too shall pass. Guess I\'m really deficient in strength, cause I don\'t see any other way out of this. Perhaps I could come to terms if I felt this was the best solution...
I\'m on the verge of telling my son that I\'m going \"away\"& I\'m not coming back...
What is there to live for? Take everyone (son included) out of the equation please. Why should I remain here for my sake? How can I continue to live (in complete misery) here strictly FOR others???
No one can really tell you what to live for Mal...but we can certainly remind you of what we see you have to live for. Only you can determine what will give you the strength to hold on, even if it\'s just for today. Your depression is doing a number on your right now and not allowing you to see the good in what can come out of your fighting it and holding on. Depression can be a lonely and selfish disease. It convinces us that we aren\'t worthy...that our leaving with really have no lasting impact on those in our lives. But that isn\'t the truth.
You say to take everyone out of the equation, but that\'s not how it works. Whether any of us likes it or not, the decisions that we make directly affect those in our lives. There is no getting around it. You can\'t live for others until you are willing to live for yourself. You can use them as a basis of strength to keep holding on until you get to a point of where you want to live and enjoy life again on some level. I have had to do that myself on many, many days. So you keep reaching out. You keep seeking support from those who understand that pain and that darkness. There can be better days. I, along with many others are proof of that. And you can bet we have all felt the hopelessness you are feeling now. You have to push through it.
You just started new meds too....give it time to work. You were in this same place a couple weeks ago (or a little less) and you made it through...you can do it again. You can Mal. There is a lot of strength that can be derived from those that we love in our lives. And sometimes that\'s all that keeps us pushing on until we can see some light again. I wish that for you. ((hugs))
Thanks, JenZ.
Unfortunately, my spouse is all I have as a real life outlet. She tries to understand but I still sense the \'snap-out-of-it\" tone; I\'m getting used to expressing myself here in the cyber support arena. I guess I\'m somewhat \'ole skool\'; I wish I had the real, tangible support (i.e. friendship, etc.).
Thanks for the words of wisdom and reason...
Yeah, snap out of it...get over it...let it go...not exactly great words of support and it stinks that many of us have heard those words. I\'m sorry she isn\'t there for you in that sense. I have made some great friends on here and they have gotten me through some pretty dark days...so even if it\'s not \"ole skool\", it can be pretty good. ( : Have you ever looked for support groups in your area in order to get the RL face to face interaction?
Yes - just started; went to one session. They meet once every two weeks; wish it were more. I\'m desparately seeking help (meds, support groups (real & cyber, even lashing out at times) \'cause my dark moments are getting harder & harder to get thru...
Mal....Sounds good re: local group. And, hopefully you are able to connect with others and even though the formal meeting only happens every 2 wks you all can support each other in btwn meetings. I really hope that happens for you. ( : In the meantime keep coming back to DS...we are here for you.
Thanks!