Charges Filed...
I went downtown to the Police Headquarters today. I got a call yesterday to see this detective about the domestic violence case. I wasn't too nervous going in. It was when I left that I felt sick to my stomach. Even as I type this, I want to cry. I feel guilty for doing this to him. But, as a very good friend told me when I said I was feeling bad about it- He doesn't feel guilty about punching you in the head. I know he doesn't. But, still, I feel like I have betrayed him. The lady at the detecives office gave me a bunch of phone numbers, one being for a support group. I called the number for that one, and was referred to one closer to me. The woman at the one close to me said there was a group tonight, and that I was welcome to join. So, I went. I was the youngest one there by 20 years, but I liked it. For once I was surrounded by women who knew EXACTLY what I am feeling and thinking, including the feelings of guilt I'm having today. I just want to puke right now. I know this is the best thing for me, and more importantly, the best thing for Jonathan. I know that my husband is more of a bad habit for me now. I don't ACTUALLY love him- not in the slightest. But- he's what I'm used to. I've also been living the past 6 years serving him. I wake up every morning and think, "I better get over there and do his laundry." Or, "I need to take him something to eat." And I still have this urge to call him and write him an email. I can't though. I know I can't. The woman in charge of the group gave me a 24-hour number to call for support. I have it sitting right here next to me. I want to call. But, then I'm afraid to call because I think that it's stupid for me to be upset over all of this. Everyone says that I did the right thing by leaving, calling the police, filing charges, getting a T.P.O. and doing all that I've done. So WHY do I feel so terrible?? Shouldn't I be HAPPY to be away from his abuse??? Where's that feeling of relief that I had always imagined??? Where's the inner peace that I thought I would find here? I don't like this, and I am soooooo tempted to go back. I mean RUN back right now!!! I think I need to call a friend of mine. Actually, I have 2 friends who are the reasons I have come this far. You guys know who you are, and without you both, I don't know what I'd do. Also, if it weren't for DS, I never would have made it this far. I know if I turned back now, then all that I've gone through would be pointless. I CAN get through this, but at the same time, I feel like I can't. To J and A: I love you both so much, and I can't even begin to tell you how much strength you both have given me. You guys are my biggest source of support. I LOVE YOU!!!!
Replies
It is not easy going through what you are going through. This is a hard choice, even though you know it is the right thing for you and Jonathan. I will be thinking of you.
Wow, big step dear friend! I had tears rolling down my face. I am so proud of you though! I never joined a group or anything, I should have, but maybe its never too late to join something. love you dear friend take care of you and Jonathan! :) ((hugs)) ~shelly&jt~
Wow -it sounds like you are doing great.
DO NOT hesistate to call for support. You have been trained to accept isolation and convinced that you are not worthy of the attention. It\'s not true. I have had to fight this - still do - all the time. It is hard and scary to call. I think: I am bothering them. They don\'t really like me. Whatever. They can hang up if they want to - they ususally don\'t. You might just be helping them. Afterall, we got better because we helped each other. They are still recovering too.
Love ya.
Call that support line any time you need to. That is what they are there for, to support you and help you sort through the confusion.
Guilt right now is not that unusual. The abusers use manipulation and guilt to make us stay. My STBX still trys to make me feel guilty. According to him, everything in his life is still my fault. I have caused all his problems. That is a load of crap and I know that now. It has taken a year to get to that point though. Hang in there. Take as much support as you can right now. It does help. And don\'t feel bad or guilty about asking for help. That is what they are there for.
Keep you chin up girl. Any man that has the guel to hit a woman isn\'t worth having, take that from a man. He sounds like one like my dad even though he never hit my mom but what the marriage couselor told my mom was his world fall apart when he was a kid all he knew what to do was control anyone in his world and that was what my dad always did and still does to this day. They are not together of course because my mom got tired of him trying to control her.
But sounds like your on the right track, I never could understand why a person would stay around anyone that always hits them, even if it was a woman doing it, I tell you I wouldn\'t stick around.
So keep that chin up, know your doing the right thing and call, call, call if that is what you need. Write, write, write if that helps also, it does me, lol, and I\'m not going through anything, well I don\'t think I am.
Think of those jokes you wrote. And if you like write some more, check out the ones I have, maybe they will help.
If you would like one to wrote just drop me a line or two, I think I can think of something to write about, I mean I don\'t write that much, lol.
Take care and have a Blessed Day, slowboy.
The feeling you are going thru right now are so natural. I totally understand you wanting ot call or email him; but please don\'t. Write a list of all the bad/negative things he has done to you and that for sure will be a wake up call.
You care for him and he doesn\'t in return. Giel, I totally relate to your situation. We love you and we will always be here for you! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT!!!
Aaaaahhhh girl ! I am so proud of you and don\'t feel bad not for him, not for actually admitting that you feel guilty and bad for him....just worry a bout yourself and Jonathan and that IS IT. It\'s hard and you will have those moments of self doubt for a while, believe me! My husband died, I didn\'t leave him, he didn\'t leave me, even then there were days when I just wished I could pick up the phone and tell him never mind I want him back. So I totallyunderstand those little blips where u wonder if ure doing the right thing, those little blips where u worry more about him than urself...they are all perfectly normal, but don\'t listen to them. I think you and I know that u are indeed knowing what ure supposed to and nee dto do. Take care of urself and if u need to talk, don\'t refrain from contacting me, myspace is probably faster though.