Charges Filed...

I went downtown to the Police Headquarters today.  I got a call yesterday to see this detective about the domestic violence case.  I wasn't too nervous going in.  It was when I left that I felt sick to my stomach.  Even as I type this, I want to cry.  I feel guilty for doing this to him.  But, as a very good friend told me when I said I was feeling bad about it- He doesn't feel guilty about punching you in the head.  I know he doesn't.  But, still, I feel like I have betrayed him.  The lady at the detecives office gave me a bunch of phone numbers, one being for a support group.  I called the number for that one, and was referred to one closer to me.  The woman at the one close to me said there was a group tonight, and that I was welcome to join.  So, I went.  I was the youngest one there by 20 years, but I liked it.  For once I was surrounded by women who knew EXACTLY what I am feeling and thinking, including the feelings of guilt I'm having today.  I just want to puke right now.  I know this is the best thing for me, and more importantly, the best thing for Jonathan.  I know that my husband is more of a bad habit for me now.  I don't ACTUALLY love him- not in the slightest.  But- he's what I'm used to.  I've also been living the past 6 years serving him.  I wake up every morning and think, "I better get over there and do his laundry." Or, "I need to take him something to eat."  And I still have this urge to call him and write him an email.  I can't though.  I know I can't.  The woman in charge of the group gave me a 24-hour number to call for support.  I have it sitting right here next to me.  I want to call.  But, then I'm afraid to call because I think that it's stupid for me to be upset over all of this.  Everyone says that I did the right thing by leaving, calling the police, filing charges, getting a T.P.O. and doing all that I've done.  So WHY do I feel so terrible??  Shouldn't I be HAPPY to be away from his abuse???  Where's that feeling of relief that I had always imagined???  Where's the inner peace that I thought I would find here?  I don't like this, and I am soooooo tempted to go back.  I mean RUN back right now!!!  I think I need to call a friend of mine.  Actually, I have 2 friends who are the reasons I have come this far.  You guys know who you are, and without you both, I don't know what I'd do.  Also, if it weren't for DS, I never would have made it this far.  I know if I turned back now, then all that I've gone through would be pointless.  I CAN get through this, but at the same time, I feel like I can't.  To J and A:  I love you both so much, and I can't even begin to tell you how much strength you both have given me.  You guys are my biggest source of support.  I LOVE YOU!!!!