Chapter 6: If It's Ugly, Don't Look

My relationship with Bill involved much more than just the sex and his crossdressing. We enjoyed many of the same things, such as travel, sports, and physical fitness. We shared the same goals and priorities, positions on finances, career aspirations, and religion.  We both preferred a 5-star resort over a tent but relished the unique beauty of our desert terrain and the outdoors. Neither of us had been looking for love, but it seemed like love had found us.

Bill was not put off by me having such a young son even though his full-time parenting days were essentially over with his youngest daughter attending college in the fall. Casting caution to the wind, I was all in when Bill suggested we move in together during a trip we took with Brian to Hawaii only two months into our relationship. Things were moving fast, and like so many of us who think they’re in love, I put blinders on to the signs of potential trouble.

Trust was always a colossal factor in my eagerness to participate in the sexual games we played, and Bill never proposed anything I wasn’t comfortable doing. Although I supported Bill’s crossdressing as his way of self-expression and played the role of dom during our sexual activities, Bill conducted the direction we took by suggesting the next level of sexual engagement. These suggestions included joining online swinger sites and visiting local adult clubs in search of a playmate to join in our escapades. 

All of the bedroom adventures were fun, exciting, and different. It was a special feeling to know Bill trusted me with such personal secrets and fantasies. I wanted to please Bill but it became too obvious to ignore that any time Bill and I engaged in sex, it was always centered around his dressing and role-playing.  He didn’t ignore me completely, but whenever the focus turned toward my arousal or sexual satisfaction, it was always by way of a vibrator or other sex gadget.  Bill avoided penile penetration, and I could tell he struggled on those rare occasions where I maneuvered him into it. Everything mostly worked okay, but the intimacy when it was just him and me with no toy, panties, or shoes was extremely uncomfortable for him.

Attempting to broach the subject on several occasions always resulted in a denial and an excuse. I tried being very direct by explaining that I loved everything we were doing but not every time. Once in a while, it would be nice to wake up on a Sunday morning, roll over, and just make love instead of fuck.  Bill said he agreed and wanted that too, but it rarely happened – not even during eight days in romantic Hawaii where we had no toys for fear of our bags being searched by TSA. Without the pageantry and the props, Bill tried to avoid sexual contact altogether.

My own avoidance tendencies were in firmly place as I plunged further into BDSM in order to please Bill. Putting aside my hurt feelings, my own sexual needs, and my desires for affection, I continued to move forward toward a new life with Bill and all that it entailed. Avoiding the obvious was a short-term solution to a long-term, complex problem. Some things are just too ugly to look at.