Chapter 1 - Knowledge Is Not The Same Thing As Understanding

People show you who they are but we pay no attention because we want them to be who we want them to be.

A piece of paper from the State of Nevada shows we were married on March 10, 2015. Lovely photographs were taken at the ceremony. One of my favorites sits on my nightstand. There is a gold wedding band on my finger. It’s simple, but I admire it every day. It reminds me of my commitment to my handsome groom, who lays next to me every night. At our wedding, I wore soft white, and he wore dark gray with a lavender tie to match my bouquet.

For our wedding night, I didn’t bother to pack lingerie. When my groom emerged from the bathroom, he was dressed in a white lace teddy, matching fishnet stockings, and spiked heels. He promenaded across the room, begging to be admired. I felt a pang of disappointment and somehow felt cheated from a tradition typically reserved for the bride. But this situation is not uncommon when you marry a crossdresser. Something is not quite right and there is a faint feeling of emptiness and loss.

Long before I stood at the altar at the Chapelle du Jardin in the Paris Hotel on that bright spring day, I knew Bill was fascinated with wearing feminine lingerie, stockings, high-heeled shoes, and feminine jewelry. He revealed this and other sexual passions in the early days of our relationship before we married.

That revelation and awareness put me in the minority of women who marry or are involved with a crossdresser. Many women do not find out they are living with a crossdresser until long after the vows have been exchanged, they have settled down with kids, bought a home, co-mingled bank accounts, and have fallen into the mundane routine of married life. Sometimes they never find out or deliberately turn a blind eye to suspicions. Yes, I had the knowledge and I accepted and even participated in his eccentric sexual desires. I had the knowledge, but knowledge is not the same thing as understanding.

Note: The chapters posted in this journal feature are also published on my blog  mylifewithacrossdresser.com

Visit my site to learn more about crossdressing.  I have a facts page and am building out a page where you can find resources and support.