Chapter 1
I finished the first chapter of the book I'm reading, and I am shocked and sad by the fact that everything the author is saying describes me to a T.. I have a serious problem and I didnt even realize it all these years!!! Out of the past 5 years, the first time I realized I was the one who had a problem was last summer. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home and I always told myself I didnt want to be like my mom who was used and abused by men all her life. How did I not see that I'm the same???? I told myself lies for years! I made excuses for my ex and always told myself it could be worse. I hope I can change and break this cycle for the sake of my daughter. I want her to be a strong confident woman someday.
The book says "Having recieved little nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to men who appear in some way needy." That is me all the way! I always want to feel needed. I try so hard to be there for everyone and help everyone even if they never help me. I felt the need to take care of my ex and be there for him like I'm his therapist even though he was totally disrespectful and has NOT been there for me or my kids. I always GIVE GIVE GIVE and get nothing in return from him!
"Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving." I am sooooo afraid of abandonment! When me & BD are together I try everything I can think of to make him happy. I've flown across the country to be with him. I always make sure he has a birthday present even if I'm broke because his own fam is so messed up they dont even remember his b-day half the time. I cant remember the last time he got me anything for my birthday. I'll be on the phone or skype with him instead of doing what I'm supposed to, like homework.
"Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait,hope, and try harder to please." The WAITING part really gets me! I waited for this man while he was deployed for a year only to get cheated on and abandoned when he returned. Then, after a few make-ups and break-ups, I waited for him again for another year-long deployment, and got cheated on again afterward.. I never gave up hope that he would change, up until recently. I was always looking for ways I could try harder and be a better wife for him. I took the phrase "unconditional love" a little too seriously I think.
The author talks about this being an addiction. I agree! Everytime my ex begs for me to take him back, I do because it feels so great to be together even if its only for a couple weeks. Even though I know I will get my heart broken again, it doesnt matter because the high of it in the moment is so awesome. We have such a great time when we're together, but there are always consequenses for me to pay eventually.
There are many many more quotes that apply to me. It makes me really mad at myself that I turned out this way, just like my mother. My closest friends always wondered how I could stay with him after everything he's done and said to hurt me. Even his own family has started making comments to me like "Dont fall for his BS anymore" "Go find a new man, you deserve to be happy" "Move on and never look back"...... OMG.... I hate myself for being so forgiving and not standing up for myself! I have been an awful example to my sisters and my daughter!
The book says "Having recieved little nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to men who appear in some way needy." That is me all the way! I always want to feel needed. I try so hard to be there for everyone and help everyone even if they never help me. I felt the need to take care of my ex and be there for him like I'm his therapist even though he was totally disrespectful and has NOT been there for me or my kids. I always GIVE GIVE GIVE and get nothing in return from him!
"Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving." I am sooooo afraid of abandonment! When me & BD are together I try everything I can think of to make him happy. I've flown across the country to be with him. I always make sure he has a birthday present even if I'm broke because his own fam is so messed up they dont even remember his b-day half the time. I cant remember the last time he got me anything for my birthday. I'll be on the phone or skype with him instead of doing what I'm supposed to, like homework.
"Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait,hope, and try harder to please." The WAITING part really gets me! I waited for this man while he was deployed for a year only to get cheated on and abandoned when he returned. Then, after a few make-ups and break-ups, I waited for him again for another year-long deployment, and got cheated on again afterward.. I never gave up hope that he would change, up until recently. I was always looking for ways I could try harder and be a better wife for him. I took the phrase "unconditional love" a little too seriously I think.
The author talks about this being an addiction. I agree! Everytime my ex begs for me to take him back, I do because it feels so great to be together even if its only for a couple weeks. Even though I know I will get my heart broken again, it doesnt matter because the high of it in the moment is so awesome. We have such a great time when we're together, but there are always consequenses for me to pay eventually.
There are many many more quotes that apply to me. It makes me really mad at myself that I turned out this way, just like my mother. My closest friends always wondered how I could stay with him after everything he's done and said to hurt me. Even his own family has started making comments to me like "Dont fall for his BS anymore" "Go find a new man, you deserve to be happy" "Move on and never look back"...... OMG.... I hate myself for being so forgiving and not standing up for myself! I have been an awful example to my sisters and my daughter!
Replies
Wow! You just described me also. Thanks for sharing.
Think I\'m going to read this book too. Now you know the more about yourself and now you can work to grow from it...good job and thanks for sharing!!
wow sounds like a good book what is the name of it and who\'s it by? Hope you feel better about what your learning and can change everything that you want about yourself so you can be that strong confident woman you want to be.
Thanks for the comments! It helps to get feedback..
The book is called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood..
Wow, Kourtney, you\'re awesome. It\'s not at all yuor fault! Don\'t be mad at yourself, you\'ve done the absolute best you could with what you had, and I am sure that your sisters and daughter are actually quite proud of you.
Thanks for sharing, and know that you are better.
Its so hard not to be mad at myself.. I cant believe things got to this point and I was so blind to it. I went to see my mom a little while ago and I felt so mad at her too..
I remember how much shame I felt once I realized some things about my last relationship, and faced a couple things I had tried to forget. I\'m not going to tell you not to be angry with yourself, cuz you know better than anyone if it\'s appropriate or not. But be good enough to yourself to make up for it, I dont know if that means consequences (like not allowing yourself to get involved with someone else until you know you\'ve got this all figured out first), or a penance in which you pay forward a remedy or payment to yourself, your family or the community, or just making amends to those you\'ver hurt -- it would be different for everyone. I guess what I\'m saying is, those strong feelings we have for our choices, there are some really important lessons in those, we love ourselves and care for ourselves when we learn what those lessons are, and make things right again.
((hugs))
Thanks, thats a great way of looking at it.. I know I have a lot to learn and I\'m going to work hard at it.