Changed Relationships & Chatty Coworkers
Not having a good week. Feeling sad and isolated. In addition to feeling sad about my mc, I am just so disappointed in my family and friends who were so supportive during IF/IVF and now are sorta MIA during the mc aftermath. It sucks that IF is so isolating, but I've noticed that having a mc is even worse for feeling isolated. I really want to try and forgive my family and friends for not being here for me, and just chalk it up to their shortcomings and limitations. I finally talked to one of my aunts yesterday who was so understanding and supportive during our whole TTC journey, but she's disappeared since the mc. She told me she is so sorry to be so absent during this time, but she really has no idea what to say and she has no experience with this and never had a mc. I also got an email from a friend who is single, never married, never tried to have kids, and said one of her best friends just had a mc, and she told her the same thing: she is sorry but she has no idea what to say. I at least appreciate their honesty and told them there isn't anything to say, there really are no words to comfort me.
I have been thinking how to handle my chatty prego coworker. I appreciate all the suggestions and comments from you all, and thought about talking to her. I decided to talk to my coworker friend who is the only one who knows about the mc, and get her advice. This was prompted by a conversation yesterday between me, my prego coworker and another one when the topic of pregnancy cravings came up and my non prego coworker looked at me and said, "maybe you and I should pretend to be pregnant so we can get away with cravings." I nearly fell over, she might as well have stabbed me with the pencil she was holding. My friend/coworker who knows my situation had 2 mc's but has been able to conceive the "old fashioned way" aka sex, so talking to her seemed like a good idea. She told me she thinks my prego coworker will just end up telling the whole office, and she also said its not really fair or right for me to tell her in the hopes of her shutting up, because in her words: "she has every right to be happy about this and talk about it." But, she did say that if I told her, she might be more sensitive and try to think of my feelings. I am not so sure about that. So basically, if I speak to my prego coworker and tell her my situation, all it seems I would accomplish is letting my entire office know my personal tragedy and it would not change anything. Not so sure its worth it. Maybe just keeping my door closed is the way to go. I might talk to my boss and get another opinion on what to do.
As always, thanks for being my rocks during this time!!! Love and peace to all xoxoxo
I have been thinking how to handle my chatty prego coworker. I appreciate all the suggestions and comments from you all, and thought about talking to her. I decided to talk to my coworker friend who is the only one who knows about the mc, and get her advice. This was prompted by a conversation yesterday between me, my prego coworker and another one when the topic of pregnancy cravings came up and my non prego coworker looked at me and said, "maybe you and I should pretend to be pregnant so we can get away with cravings." I nearly fell over, she might as well have stabbed me with the pencil she was holding. My friend/coworker who knows my situation had 2 mc's but has been able to conceive the "old fashioned way" aka sex, so talking to her seemed like a good idea. She told me she thinks my prego coworker will just end up telling the whole office, and she also said its not really fair or right for me to tell her in the hopes of her shutting up, because in her words: "she has every right to be happy about this and talk about it." But, she did say that if I told her, she might be more sensitive and try to think of my feelings. I am not so sure about that. So basically, if I speak to my prego coworker and tell her my situation, all it seems I would accomplish is letting my entire office know my personal tragedy and it would not change anything. Not so sure its worth it. Maybe just keeping my door closed is the way to go. I might talk to my boss and get another opinion on what to do.
As always, thanks for being my rocks during this time!!! Love and peace to all xoxoxo
Replies
I\'m sorry your friends and family have been so absent and not understanding. Maybe just say to them you need support and a shoulder to lean on even if they don\'t know the right things to say. Love and support is what you need.
As for your co-worker, I wish I knew the right course of action. It\'s a tricky situation. I feel so bad for you, you shouldn\'t have to deal with this on top of everything else. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you.
I wish there was more we could do to help but I know time might help but even that is not a cure all and won\'t make you forget.
I went through the same with my family and friends. We talk about everything, I being an open book, but no one talks about my mcs. I don\'t get why it\'s that way but it is. Have you considered a therapist. Some are specialized in IF issue and have been great help to some of our DS sisters.
As always you are in my thoughts.
xoxo
Thanks for the comments. Alana, I did tell my friends and family that I need their love and support now more than ever. So much for that. Roxy, I have been seeing a therapist during our entire TTC process which has been very helpful, and just joined a resolve support group.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and say a prayer. I am sure that is true of your family and friends too. Sometimes the right words are hard to find - and saying the wrong words are a horrible fear. In fact there are many times I start to respond to peoples journals here and then I delete because I don\'t want to say the wrong thing. . . . I am almost certain that is what is happening with your friends and family. They may just be giving you time and space - they may be afraid to say anything wrong. Maybe just reach out to them with a text to simply say hi - let them know you are open to talking. I know that may sound crazy - and feel crazy that you have to be the one to reach out - but once you do I think you will find them there waiting for you and ready to be there for you.
Sending my love - and hoping you feel my thoughts and prayers surrounding you each and every day! xoxo
I get annoyed when people say they don\'t know what to say. You don\'t need to have all the words, but reach out and say \"how are you?\", so if you\'re not okay you can talk it out and they can just listen. I wish everyone knew that, it\'s pretty simple. Sorry - I just got upset for you and I know how it is when people act as if something bad didn\'t just happen to you. By them avoiding it doesn\'t take the pain away. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and hope people start paying attention to their actions around you. You are an incredibly kind person and you deserve to more than this from them right now. Hugs! xo
I say share with the coworker and if she continues her shit, keep the door closed. It may eliminate some of the insensitive comments about her being \"old\" etc. I guess I have a big mouth and I just seem to tell everyone around me all my business. Sometimes it bites me in the ass but sometimes I think it makes people thing before they speak. This is a really emotional time for you. Your coworker can blubber on and on about her pregnancy all she wants but maybe if she knows your situation she will have a little tact. I\'m thinking of you and praying for you. xoxo
I have to say that I agree with KTK. I understand that your mc feels so absolutely personal and private, but if others are going to be aware of what to keep to themselves, then it might be a good idea to tell somebody. AND if this person is known to tell the whole office, then tell her simply that you don\'t want the whole office to know, and if it gets around, it\'s ALL on her, and she should be the one to feel like shit. You deserve all the compassion in the world, and I hope you find a way to get what you deserve. I\'m thinking of you always and rooting for you to find some peace!
I agree with vmarie3. Just once in awhile, I would like my friends and family that know my situation to ask how I\'m doing. I know they don\'t understand, but just ask me how I\'m doing and I will decide if I\'m in the mood to share or put up my \"brave front\". I\'m sorry that your supportive friends aren\'t there for you anymore. That must hurt.
Not sure about the office situation, kind of had something similar happen to me (although I haven\'t had a mc) at my old job where an annoying coworker couldn\'t stop talking about her kids and everyone elses\' kids. Did I mention how freaking loud of a talker she is? Well, the closing the door was what I chose to do, while putting on headphones b/c the walls were paper thin. I usually don\'t like to confront people, but that is just me.
Good luck with what you decide and I\'m always thinking and praying for you.
It\'s sad but true: People don\'t know what to say, so they stay away. Imm so sorry but glad you had that talk w your aunt so at least you know why.
Could your coworker/ally who knows your situation casually mention to the preggo coworker your \"story\" so she might take a hint? Maybe if she says a \"Just thought you\'d want to know\" comment to that gal, perhaps she would understand and tone it down. Just a thought if you wanted to go the passive-aggressive route.
I\'m sorry and understand how hard it is to move forward / move on. It\'s gonna take time and you need to grieve and process on your own timeline.
I second Nelly\'s entire post. Whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you :)
I wanted to say that I understand what you are going through with the lack of support/avoidance from friends and family. Having two losses has been the most isolating experience I\'ve ever been through.
We had the first loss 12/12/12 and two weeks later...the first time my inlaws were seeing me since the surgery and loss......Christmas Eve....not one person even asks how I\'m doing. Nothing at all. As if nothing had happened.
They are good people so I was floored.
And harbored a lot of anger for a long time.
Because this situation, in different flavors, would repeat itself over and over with friends in the months to come.
I did have two friends email me at one point and tell me they are sorry they\'ve been away but they are so afraid of saying the wrong thing.
What people don\'t understand.....is that you don\'t need magical words. You just need a proverbial shoulder to cry on. And someone to listen. And to understand. The availability. To comprehend the gravity of the situation. That you lost something real and that it hurts deeply.
I had a friend just come forward (through email-she lives across the country) last week after she saw my Miscarriage post on FB. She had had a m/c several years ago and I felt I had been supportive of her. And she really failed me when it happened to me this year.
And she knows it. Because she emailed me a couple months ago to apologize.
Then came my FB post about Miscarriage Awareness. She emailed me after that and said that when she had her m/c she viewed it as a \"missed possibility\" and that\'s how her friends have viewed their own m/cs. That they didn\'t think of it as the loss of something real. And it wasn\'t until she read what I wrote that she finally understood that different people grieve differently.
I would be lying if I said that their way of viewing miscarriage isn\'t offensive to me. It is.
There is so much we don\'t understand in terms of what goes on in the minds of others. That has been one of my greatest challenges this year---coming to terms with people not being thoughtful or kind in the way that I would be thoughtful or kind to them. Not \"getting it\".
It has made me re-evaluate a lot of my friendships. And I lost my absolute closest girlfriend through this experience. Because I felt I could not get past her avoidance of me for months after my first loss. And then when she did contact me she acted like it was any old day.
I can forgive her in my heart. But I just couldn\'t resume the friendship as if this hadn\'t hurt me deeply. I didn\'t know how to be with her anymore. Because I didn\'t feel like opening my heart anymore to her. And to resume in a different, superficial way didn\'t feel right either.
So I expressed to her how I felt (in an email) and she never wrote me back. That was that.
My heart aches for you. Because I have a very good idea of what you are going through with the isolation. It compounded my grief significantly.
Know that you are supported and understood and heard on this website. I know it\'s no replacement for support in the non-virtual world.
Even with therapy, it has taken me (and still takes me) a very long time to accept how others don\'t \"get this\".
I even have a friend who has has two miscarriages and an ectopic. And with each of my losses she would say \"so when can you TTC again\". That may be how she dealt with her losses. Maybe she didn\'t view them as actual lives lost.
I even had the very painful moment of one of the drs. saying to me \"well this wasn\'t a pregnancy pregnancy\" when I asked for the remains from the D&C.
Words sting. And I told her that it doesn\'t matter to me what she thinks...that this was a life that my husband and I created. And now it is lost.
I feel like the life lessons I have been through in one year could amount to the life lessons in another person\'s life....in a decade\'s time.
But I am grateful because I know I grow through this and I become stronger through this.
Please know you are heard. Your lost baby is grieved.
And we here on DS grieve with you. (Sorry this post was so long...)
Hi. I\'m new here, I hope it\'s ok that I am posting. I wanted to tell you I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I have had 4 miscarriages. With the first everyone knew, and then I kept them all to myself. People can be mean without meaning to be. To some it is \"just\" a miscarriage, to me it was my baby and they were all devastating on different levels.
There is no right thing to say, no magic words that will make it better, but I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your loss and that you are in my thoughts.
I have had some of the same experience with my family. Not one of them has checked in with me since I miscarried. I\'ve talked to my mom, but only when I\'ve called her. It hurts.
But I\'ve tried to remember that it is so hard to know what to say. So they probably just don\'t want to say the wrong thing. I\'ve tried very hard to not let anger get a foothold.
I told my husband shortly after that just having him close gave me strength. Maybe that\'s what we should tell the others in our lives. It\'s not about what they say...it\'s just about their presence.
A friend of mine wrote a blog entry yesterday that expressed this perfectly. I\'ll link it...it really helped me, as I was having a rough day.
http://woottonwondersandwoes.wordpress.com/2013/10/24/me-me-owie-too/
At any rate, know that we know what you are feeling all too well. We are here and we care.
So sorry you\'ve been having a rough time. Hoping that you will eventually start to heal and find peace. Hugs.
I remember the exact feelings you are stating above.. Feeling isolated and abandoned by friends and family. Anger for the lack of support. It took about 7 years and 8 failed IVF cycles before I realized that I need a real support system. I found a local RESOLVE group and it changed my life. I now understand why the people I love were not able to support me. They really do not know what to say... I hope you find the support that you deserve regardless of where it comes from. I am so sorry that your heart is breaking. Hugs.