Change of Seasons

Hello, 

I cannot believe it is October. I have held firm (with moments of waivering) to think positive and be hopeful, but I am now preparing for the worst. 

The end of September came and buyer was planning to sell one of his vehicles to get remainder of down money. Once again I gave them an additional 2 weeks. I cannot afford to put this off any longer so now I must start ALL OVER . (Back on the market, showings....with this family still in my house...)

I learned another person is now assigned my disability claim. The month they will start with is September...which had 5 pay weeks. 2 of those weeks I worked an extra day because of vacations. I would have been ok with just 4 weeks, but that 5th put me way over. The paralegal says just 1 month over may be overlooked just so it's not a habit. But that coupled with the fact it feels like they may not update or check current info from physicians does not bode well. Paralegal said if turned down this time we will need to go to court for a hearing. I am terrified of driving in the city.

Then there is (was) that thought of maybe finding someone to share time with. Since they extended my membership on Zoosk for a 6 month period I did continue to look half heartedly. Saw many I automatically discarded (not because I thought they were bad, but out of my league) Then I had a few brave moments where I simply responded and texted a couple. I would come across 2 who I  quickly discovered  wanted just bootie calls, 2 more lying scammers. Perhaps I should be glad I have spoken and texted with so many in the past...makes it easier to find the snakes in the grass. 

Canceled the membership which goes for 10 more days. There are a couple interested and 1 who gave me his number but he's an hour away. He grew up 1 town away and his ex and grown kids live there still so he says it's no problem to come down for a dinner date or meeting. I continue to chicken out calling him. 

Being alone does make me appreciate talking, joking (and yes sometimes flirting) with those I do come across. While spending most of my life "watching" others, recently I have spent some time "mediating" with some family members to try to understand each other's feelings. I'm thinking my purpose may just be to help others . As time goes by, I am thinking all I have missed out on....true love, a healthy relationship able to open up and share all together, actual desire and attraction, just one moment experiencing hot steamy or even tender, romantic love..... never being blessed with a child or what it feels like to have that life growing inside you....and the very many experiences and adventures exploring many places I will never get to see.....All of these things for me will simply never be.