Change My Life!!!
I've had some recent trouble. Life happens. I realized many things lately. Namely that I was afraid. The idea of marriage and children had arisen in my life again. Instead of being happy, my fear gripped me like a vice and I spent a lot of time worrying and trying to find a way to hide. Ultimately it hurt the people I loved the most.
My fear is something I have accepted as normal for many years. After the army it was my best friend. It allowed me to never lose. However. I lost anyways. I passed opportunities that would be great for me. Like this situation with marriage and kids. My fear was that three years down the road I might be dropped and I would lose my kids again. I knew that if that happened I would not want to live anymore. I couldn't stand the thought of losing kids again.
Now it feels different to me. I've been seeking help for my problem and have actually began to see things a little clearer every day. I now am trying to achieve my goals. I always wanted to start getting out and exercising. I have walked every day twice a day for the last week. It feels great. I have began getting to those things I have always wanted to do. I actively sought help for myself. Before I relied on others to make me do the things I was afraid of. Not anymore.
So here is my new goal. It may sound weird, but after looking at my life for awhile it has become abundantly clear:
I do want to get married. I do want children. I will just have to find the perfect person for it. Sure life might be rough. It always will be, but there are many other things that make life worth it. With my new outlook on life and my change in motivation I have come to realize that these things I am afraid of are stopping my life from moving forward. I can no longer do that. The changes I have already made are making me feel tremendously better about myself. I know I can do it. I know I can share my life with somebody special. I know I can achieve my goals. I know everything will be better.
I am happy I can finally admit this to myself. I've tried in the past so many times to do this for other people, but that was my biggest problem. You don't change your life for others. You change for you so that others may be happy with those changes. Making changes for yourself makes you happy. This allows others to be happy. This in turn in allows you to change yourself for others. It's a process of which I robbed myself of the most important step. ME! Never again. I will continue working on me. When I find that special person; me will turn to US. Hopefully that will turn to OUR family eventually.
I am happy I found me. Now I need to make me better.
My fear is something I have accepted as normal for many years. After the army it was my best friend. It allowed me to never lose. However. I lost anyways. I passed opportunities that would be great for me. Like this situation with marriage and kids. My fear was that three years down the road I might be dropped and I would lose my kids again. I knew that if that happened I would not want to live anymore. I couldn't stand the thought of losing kids again.
Now it feels different to me. I've been seeking help for my problem and have actually began to see things a little clearer every day. I now am trying to achieve my goals. I always wanted to start getting out and exercising. I have walked every day twice a day for the last week. It feels great. I have began getting to those things I have always wanted to do. I actively sought help for myself. Before I relied on others to make me do the things I was afraid of. Not anymore.
So here is my new goal. It may sound weird, but after looking at my life for awhile it has become abundantly clear:
I do want to get married. I do want children. I will just have to find the perfect person for it. Sure life might be rough. It always will be, but there are many other things that make life worth it. With my new outlook on life and my change in motivation I have come to realize that these things I am afraid of are stopping my life from moving forward. I can no longer do that. The changes I have already made are making me feel tremendously better about myself. I know I can do it. I know I can share my life with somebody special. I know I can achieve my goals. I know everything will be better.
I am happy I can finally admit this to myself. I've tried in the past so many times to do this for other people, but that was my biggest problem. You don't change your life for others. You change for you so that others may be happy with those changes. Making changes for yourself makes you happy. This allows others to be happy. This in turn in allows you to change yourself for others. It's a process of which I robbed myself of the most important step. ME! Never again. I will continue working on me. When I find that special person; me will turn to US. Hopefully that will turn to OUR family eventually.
I am happy I found me. Now I need to make me better.
Replies
Filling your life with positive does sound like the best route. Your journal made me realize the blinders I have had on myself, Ive blinded my self to only see negative outcomes when I should be focusing on what positive things I can do with it. Time does erase pain wading it out is a challenge worth while Hugs thank you for this!
I\'m glad I can help. I just realized the cycle I kept myself in was killing me. Yes. Killing me. I can no longer be afraid. The thing I need to remember the most is that I will stumble along the way. I can\'t relapse when it happens. Keeping myself moving forward is the key. I want to look at my life when I get old and be able to smile. I read this somewhere. \"When life is over and you look back at your journey. All the canyons of sadness, the fields of happiness, the lakes and rivers of love will culminate into a beautiful landscape. Your life is beautiful. When you reach the end you want to see all of those beautiful things\". Canyons are beautiful, but it would be boring if that was my whole life. I want to create a beautiful view for me to look back on when I reach the end of my journey.
Wow!! your story has inspired me to want to make some positive changes in my life!! Good for you for wanting to get better and you are doing that! you\'re a strong young man, i can tell! you\'ll meet the perfect lady and have a family..i\'m sure of it...may take some time, but she\'s worth the wait!!! Hugs!