changing

Change is the hardest thing. It's one of those things we as humans never want to accept. We block it out, we ignore it, we daydream of the days that are long gone and never coming back to us. And still we can stay in denial that as life evolves and changes, we should too.
I don't ever want to move on. I want to get into bed, pull my covers over my head and cry and be angry. I want to hate God and all the saints and every doctor in the country. I want to hate my body and my parents for cursing me with this difficult life. But i can't, this life is mine now, and i need to own up to it.
I don't want to live forever in denial that the sun is going to keep rising and my body will keep aging and that even when i dont want to i will have to change. And i don't want to keep going without my baby girl, but i have to. I can't face a future of regrets and sadness that i let myself and the people i love down. I don't want to cry forever. 
I wish i could just drop all this baggage and be ok. I wish i could be strong and do it all at once, but I can't and i understand that, I'm only human. I hope tomorrow's better. I just have to keep my head up and keep looking forward to anything and everything, I forgot for awhile there that i used to have dreams. I forgot for awhile that life can be GOOD life can be BEAUTIFUL, if you let it be. Perception is everything, and i want to percieve a better future for myself, and i want to be HAPPY AGAIN.
I love you more than life Sophia. Help Mommy stay strong baby girl, and watch over Daddy.