Challenges and growing pains.
I like the way life has a way of throwing wrenches at you when you think you're finally reaching a "good place".
My mother was admitted to the hospital yesterday for a serious heart issue. BAM, didn't see this wrench coming... I think it left a welt.
She's only 69 years old, and we've been estranged for 20 years. There was an incident back then... one in which my stepfather made a HORRIBLE comment to my X about his disability (my stepdad told my X "I'd kill myself if I were as useless as you"), and my mother laughed when it happened. I wasn't there at the time, but my son who was there confirmed it happened. To this day, I don't know if the laugh was an uncomfortable one or if it was because she thought the comment was funny (it definitely wasn't). And when I tried to talk to her about it shortly after it happened, she hung up on me and then sent me a hate letter. Well, I guess I got my answer. And when she began to use my son to hurt me as well, I cut off all contact, packed our stuff and moved 900 miles away....
We didn't have any contact whatsoever for the first 7 years after we moved, and during those 7 years, I chose to forgive her, despite the lack of any apology. Then my son and I went back for a family reunion on my father's side. After the paddle boat ride that was part of the party, my sister said that she'd like my son to come visit for a bit because my mother was there at her house. I felt my son was mature enough to make his own decision, agreed to drop him off and wait outside as long as he needed to visit. After we got there, not even 5 minutes went by when she asked him to go get me to come in.... big mistake on my part.... I definitely wasn't ready to deal with it. I walked in the door and she rushed over to hug me as if nothing had happened. This made me angry, and I said "I'm not ready for this" and I walked back out the door. When my son came out about 15 minutes later, we left, and I didn't have contact with her again until the divorce.... 13 years later. She only contacted my son twice during that time as well....
During the beginning stages of the divorce last year, my X used the lack of contact we had with my son to hurt me (yep, not talking to your parents during the first 7 years of adult life is tradition in my dysfunctional family). And boy, did it hurt. So I sent my mother a note saying I was sorry for the pain I caused her by keeping my son away from her. She didn't say anything, but did accept a friend request on Facebook - at least that way, I know she accepted my apology and it's a way we keep a door open to communicate.... which we don't. She even showed up for the Fat Tire Ride I did with my sisters in September and didn't say a word to me even when I spoke to her... it was like I didn't even exist.
So today's news about her health.... OMG, the emotions.... biggest one is hurt that she's near death and STILL has never said "I'm sorry". Do I need to hear I'm sorry? No. And yet it still hurts. And I can hear my deceased grandmother's voice in my mind.... "call your mother"... but I won't. Won't for multiple reasons.... she doesn't need that stress, doesn't want contact anyways because if she did, we'd be communicating already, and I DON'T need another nasty person in my life - had my fill with the X, thank you. So, I take a deep breath and forgive her all over again, acknowledging that this moment is was just a test to show that I really am in a good place today. Growing, painfully, but moving forward.....
My mother was admitted to the hospital yesterday for a serious heart issue. BAM, didn't see this wrench coming... I think it left a welt.
She's only 69 years old, and we've been estranged for 20 years. There was an incident back then... one in which my stepfather made a HORRIBLE comment to my X about his disability (my stepdad told my X "I'd kill myself if I were as useless as you"), and my mother laughed when it happened. I wasn't there at the time, but my son who was there confirmed it happened. To this day, I don't know if the laugh was an uncomfortable one or if it was because she thought the comment was funny (it definitely wasn't). And when I tried to talk to her about it shortly after it happened, she hung up on me and then sent me a hate letter. Well, I guess I got my answer. And when she began to use my son to hurt me as well, I cut off all contact, packed our stuff and moved 900 miles away....
We didn't have any contact whatsoever for the first 7 years after we moved, and during those 7 years, I chose to forgive her, despite the lack of any apology. Then my son and I went back for a family reunion on my father's side. After the paddle boat ride that was part of the party, my sister said that she'd like my son to come visit for a bit because my mother was there at her house. I felt my son was mature enough to make his own decision, agreed to drop him off and wait outside as long as he needed to visit. After we got there, not even 5 minutes went by when she asked him to go get me to come in.... big mistake on my part.... I definitely wasn't ready to deal with it. I walked in the door and she rushed over to hug me as if nothing had happened. This made me angry, and I said "I'm not ready for this" and I walked back out the door. When my son came out about 15 minutes later, we left, and I didn't have contact with her again until the divorce.... 13 years later. She only contacted my son twice during that time as well....
During the beginning stages of the divorce last year, my X used the lack of contact we had with my son to hurt me (yep, not talking to your parents during the first 7 years of adult life is tradition in my dysfunctional family). And boy, did it hurt. So I sent my mother a note saying I was sorry for the pain I caused her by keeping my son away from her. She didn't say anything, but did accept a friend request on Facebook - at least that way, I know she accepted my apology and it's a way we keep a door open to communicate.... which we don't. She even showed up for the Fat Tire Ride I did with my sisters in September and didn't say a word to me even when I spoke to her... it was like I didn't even exist.
So today's news about her health.... OMG, the emotions.... biggest one is hurt that she's near death and STILL has never said "I'm sorry". Do I need to hear I'm sorry? No. And yet it still hurts. And I can hear my deceased grandmother's voice in my mind.... "call your mother"... but I won't. Won't for multiple reasons.... she doesn't need that stress, doesn't want contact anyways because if she did, we'd be communicating already, and I DON'T need another nasty person in my life - had my fill with the X, thank you. So, I take a deep breath and forgive her all over again, acknowledging that this moment is was just a test to show that I really am in a good place today. Growing, painfully, but moving forward.....
Replies
I am sorry to hear about your mother, all the way around. That she was not there for you when you needed her and now that she has heart problems. You are definitely the bigger person in the relationship. Maybe you could send her a card just saying you are thinking of her and wish her well or even flowers. Sometimes people do not meet our expectations of them and that is just the way it is. I had a similar relationship with my father. I remember the time when my mother had surgery and she was not doing well. All the girls spent a week at her house taking care of her and our father. I dreaded my week because I knew I would have to be with my father too. Without my mother buffering us I was very worried. Daily I prayed as I walked the dog to give me strength to not fight with him, to serve him without expectations and to soften his heart towards me. After the third day of taking his abuse something broke in him. Maybe it was me choosing not to be bated into an argument he began to be warm and kind of to me. It was the best week I had with him ever. He died 2 years later. I was so thankful to have had that week. Maybe we were never close but I was glad I chose the high road. Wishing your mother gets better. Hugs and prayers...
Thanks, Giselle! I realized last night that I never said how her condition is.... she\'s improving, they got her stable, told her she needed to change some things (I don\'t know what they are - I only get info thru my sister\'s facebook posts), and she was released from the hospital yesterday.
Contacting her, even through letters, isn\'t good. I tried that before. But, at least my sisters kinda keep me updated.
Thanks again!