Ch.4 Learning how to have a bit of a life
When I got on to daily strength I went directly to the Widows & Widowers Support Group. I found many who had lost loved ones. I got to talk to people that shared in this horrible loss. For a while I did feel better. comforted by the others here. I started posting some posts mentioning that I might possibly end my life so I can be with my Holly. People urged me to seek help and to check out the Depression Support Group so I did. I started posting about my worries and my deep see of sadness and longing for my wife, Sometimes I posted the same thing in both groups so I could get a wide range of responses.
I was feeling better but felt so alone and I started to write about losing my identity not knowing who I really was, not feeling like a hole person. I also wrote about being lonely and depressed and not knowing what to do about it. A friend on the site suggested to just put myself out there, She said that people are not just going to come to your house and hang out with you because you are lonely. You need to get out their and do something. I agreed and I started to search on the web for social groups and I found Meetup.com or at least that is what I think it is called. Anyway I saw a posting about seeing a movie so I signed up and I reserved a spot for the movie. I went and I enjoyed the movie, we ate out and I realized that I wasn't ready for conversation so I muttered talking about my wife, just really depressing stuff so I stopped myself and said I am sorry but I don't really want to talk. I am just not to cheerful of a guy and I like the conversations you were talking about much better than mine so lets just do that, they agreed and were very respectful to me. I still had a great time. I also went canoeing and enjoyed that very much.
Ok so I didn't feel as lonely but The pain I felt was still there. I just missed my wife so much and no 1 else could help me Not any one on this site. I just started crying wishing god would just take me. I eventually realized that I needed to sleep a little because I couldn't face these thoughts while I was tired. Sleep helps but only with controlling my emotions, I still had them I could just control them better and not go crazy when bad thoughts came knocking. I finally realized that there will always be pain when it comes to my wife's death. I realized that I am broken and cant be fixed, that I will probably never love again, But that doesn't mean that I cant learn to love life. I can still appretiate a mourning sunrise or a beautiful woman from afar. I can take my nephew to the movies with me, I can visit my son. There are many things that I still love in this world. All that is nice but there are times when I was still lonely and depressed and do not know what to do. My thoughts still wondered wildly and sometimes I would just sit and cry longing for my wife. I ask myself will this ever end.
One night I had this beautiful dream!
I was feeling better but felt so alone and I started to write about losing my identity not knowing who I really was, not feeling like a hole person. I also wrote about being lonely and depressed and not knowing what to do about it. A friend on the site suggested to just put myself out there, She said that people are not just going to come to your house and hang out with you because you are lonely. You need to get out their and do something. I agreed and I started to search on the web for social groups and I found Meetup.com or at least that is what I think it is called. Anyway I saw a posting about seeing a movie so I signed up and I reserved a spot for the movie. I went and I enjoyed the movie, we ate out and I realized that I wasn't ready for conversation so I muttered talking about my wife, just really depressing stuff so I stopped myself and said I am sorry but I don't really want to talk. I am just not to cheerful of a guy and I like the conversations you were talking about much better than mine so lets just do that, they agreed and were very respectful to me. I still had a great time. I also went canoeing and enjoyed that very much.
Ok so I didn't feel as lonely but The pain I felt was still there. I just missed my wife so much and no 1 else could help me Not any one on this site. I just started crying wishing god would just take me. I eventually realized that I needed to sleep a little because I couldn't face these thoughts while I was tired. Sleep helps but only with controlling my emotions, I still had them I could just control them better and not go crazy when bad thoughts came knocking. I finally realized that there will always be pain when it comes to my wife's death. I realized that I am broken and cant be fixed, that I will probably never love again, But that doesn't mean that I cant learn to love life. I can still appretiate a mourning sunrise or a beautiful woman from afar. I can take my nephew to the movies with me, I can visit my son. There are many things that I still love in this world. All that is nice but there are times when I was still lonely and depressed and do not know what to do. My thoughts still wondered wildly and sometimes I would just sit and cry longing for my wife. I ask myself will this ever end.
One night I had this beautiful dream!
Replies
Drew,
You have a very unique and special way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. Almost poetic. You know me and know I have gone through a quite similar situation and it relieves me to a great extent, to know I was, and am not alone. Thank you solo much for sharing this. I almost feel as though God is speaking to me through you in many ways. You have touched my heart in so many ways.
Peace be with you and bless you, special friend,
Jules
Drew, you and I are about at the same place. It\'s scary. I understand what you are saying. It\'s tough. And then it gets tougher. But we come through it. Not really sure how, but we did! Good luck to you!
Drew, it has only been a few months since you lost Holly. You are still grieving. I am glad you found the social group and you know I am very proud of you for putting your self out there and being around other people. Ofcourse you are always going to miss Holly and feel some pain. I hope that in time the pain does lessen. I don\'t believe you are \' broken\' and will never be fixed. I am proud for the strength you are showing and I am proud of you for putting all of this out here. I hope that you find some healing in your writing. Thank you for sharing all of this. Hugs ~