cause i had a bad day....
i hate this whatever my doctor hasn't named it as yet! right now i'm not too happy with my body. let's face it. i hate my body right now. i feel like it's betraying me! i shampooed carpets yesterday. just the short section from our front door to the living room. it might be a 4x6 patch. i get up this morning and it hurts to move. i just wrked for a few minutes and sat for a while. worked a while, set awhile. then today i had the opportunity to get my hands back in hair on one of my students and i was shakey,kept dropping things and had a hard time holding onto the blowdryer and brush. now my entire body hurts and i feel like i have 7up running thru my veins. it's a popping, bubbly feeling. it's not painful, not yet, but this turns into muscle spasms.
i miss being behind the chair. i miss not being able to do like i could. i miss having energy. i hate being so tired. now, it's allergy season again. of course i'm in tennessee so it's alway allergy season, just some days are worse than others, and because of the new meds, i can't take anything but tylenol. and it doens't help with the sinus headaches. i cna't win for loosing! if i take the sinus stuff, i have to go off the other meds. if i take the meds to prevent/help with flare ups, then i can't take the sinus stuff.
i'm tired of always feeling bad even when i feel pretty decent. i was talking with one of my students one day and told her if i looked on the outside the way i feel on the inside, you'd run screaming. she told me she could look at my eyes and tell how bad i'm feeling, by how my eyes wrinkled - her g-ma has fibro- she said she understood better than some of the others. i told her about the clothes pin on the finger. stick one on the end of your finger, leave it there as long as you can and then imagine having that feeling in each of your joints. it doens't look like it hurts, but it does. some days it's a struggle to get up, get dressed, do my hair and make up and go to work. some days hubby has to roll me out of bed and help me to the potty, and i hate it. i hate being reliant on others for stuff i used to could do myself. hubby does half or more of the housework.
some days i have to lecture from notes because i can't remember what i'm supposed to talk about. other days the words swim on the page. some days i'm fluent in gibberish and others i speak in cursive a lot. i try to laugh it off, but inside it hurts. it's scary, it's frustrating, and i don't want to be that person that is the dark cloud over the sun. i don't like being this way.
but with all i don't have in my health, i do still have a lot of stuff to be thankful for. i have a God that loves me enough to die for me. that is willing to provide mercy and forgiveness even when i don't deserve it. i have a calling He's given me. i live in a country where - at least right now- i can tell people about Jesus Christ, and I belong to a movement that is willing to license women as preachers. i have a job. a pretty decent paying one with good benifits that I really love doing. i have a good hubby that God has blessed me with. he may not understand the pain and frustration but he believes me and believes in me and supports me. he's type one diabetic, so he understands having limitations, not necessiarliy the ones i'm having to deal with, but he knows what it's like to have to take extra care. he's willing to work his 40 hours a week and help me keep the house up. we have a nice apartment in a pretty decent neighborhood. we have reliable transportation. we have three furry four leggers for children. we are able to meet our physical, relationship and most of our financial needs. thank God for that.... we have adequate food and medication and we have a very awesome church family.
so i think maybe i've talked myself out of the hole or at least managed to climb partway out. it's been bad, it's been worse and it's been better and it's a cycle. one i'm going to have to learn to adjust to. i just don't always have to be happy about it but i do have to thank God for what He's given me.
i miss being behind the chair. i miss not being able to do like i could. i miss having energy. i hate being so tired. now, it's allergy season again. of course i'm in tennessee so it's alway allergy season, just some days are worse than others, and because of the new meds, i can't take anything but tylenol. and it doens't help with the sinus headaches. i cna't win for loosing! if i take the sinus stuff, i have to go off the other meds. if i take the meds to prevent/help with flare ups, then i can't take the sinus stuff.
i'm tired of always feeling bad even when i feel pretty decent. i was talking with one of my students one day and told her if i looked on the outside the way i feel on the inside, you'd run screaming. she told me she could look at my eyes and tell how bad i'm feeling, by how my eyes wrinkled - her g-ma has fibro- she said she understood better than some of the others. i told her about the clothes pin on the finger. stick one on the end of your finger, leave it there as long as you can and then imagine having that feeling in each of your joints. it doens't look like it hurts, but it does. some days it's a struggle to get up, get dressed, do my hair and make up and go to work. some days hubby has to roll me out of bed and help me to the potty, and i hate it. i hate being reliant on others for stuff i used to could do myself. hubby does half or more of the housework.
some days i have to lecture from notes because i can't remember what i'm supposed to talk about. other days the words swim on the page. some days i'm fluent in gibberish and others i speak in cursive a lot. i try to laugh it off, but inside it hurts. it's scary, it's frustrating, and i don't want to be that person that is the dark cloud over the sun. i don't like being this way.
but with all i don't have in my health, i do still have a lot of stuff to be thankful for. i have a God that loves me enough to die for me. that is willing to provide mercy and forgiveness even when i don't deserve it. i have a calling He's given me. i live in a country where - at least right now- i can tell people about Jesus Christ, and I belong to a movement that is willing to license women as preachers. i have a job. a pretty decent paying one with good benifits that I really love doing. i have a good hubby that God has blessed me with. he may not understand the pain and frustration but he believes me and believes in me and supports me. he's type one diabetic, so he understands having limitations, not necessiarliy the ones i'm having to deal with, but he knows what it's like to have to take extra care. he's willing to work his 40 hours a week and help me keep the house up. we have a nice apartment in a pretty decent neighborhood. we have reliable transportation. we have three furry four leggers for children. we are able to meet our physical, relationship and most of our financial needs. thank God for that.... we have adequate food and medication and we have a very awesome church family.
so i think maybe i've talked myself out of the hole or at least managed to climb partway out. it's been bad, it's been worse and it's been better and it's a cycle. one i'm going to have to learn to adjust to. i just don't always have to be happy about it but i do have to thank God for what He's given me.
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