Caught up in ED
I've lost 10 lbs in two weeks. My ED thinks I'm doing great, urging me to continue to restrict. I know better so I forced myself to eat a small meal today, and 3 small cookies yuck! I scheduled an app with my MD to ask about night sweats and gain some support in fighting these behaviors. I'm so close to under 100 lbs so this fight is hard. But I know I will never be satisfied no matter how much I lose. And I know I will die if I don't change my self-destructive behaviors. But its so difficult to fight when I honestly don't want to live, not for me. I live for others, but its tiring and I want to give up and I find comfort in my ED.
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...just try to live one day at a time ..and if you mess up don\'t beat your self up ..tomorow is a new day ....and a new start ...I hope ..you find help to cope with the ED ......try to think of your daughter when you sit Dowen to eat somthing ...eat clean ..healthy ..food ...I had an ED ..problem .....for a number of years ....but the opisit of yours .....so I don\'t know what to say to you that would be helpful so I will just pray for you .....take care ..God bless
Having a really hard day. No appetite as usual, nauseated. My depression is severe and I am feeling hopeless about recovery. Tried being honest about how much I\'m struggling with ED to my mom, but of course she is angry prob cuz she\'s scared again. Told me to go look in the mirror and maybe that\'ll make me eat. NOPE, I just see ugly and fat!!! I hate that i\'m doing this to her. I hate that I feel like I\'d rather die than force myself to eat. I hate that all it takes is to just eat, but that it feels so miserable and difficult. I hate everything about this ED and yet the only relief I feel is to watch the pounds fade away. I hate that I am who I am. I hate that I\'m so stubborn and letting ED force me not to eat. I hate that I\'ve given up on life. So, apparently I\'m feeling angry today! :0) I\'m angry that I am the only one on this planet who can help me, and I would rather destroy myself.
I remember how it felt to feel alone, like no one cares, that I\'d be better off dead, too. I\'m sorry you don\'t like what you see in the mirror, I think even people w/out ED don\'t like what they see, but it\'s worse for people like us. Thanks for letting me in on something that\'s private for you, I won\'t disclose it. Please don\'t give up on life completely. Maybe just take a breather and not worry about anxiety and your other issues for an hour?? Is that possible for you to do? I\'ve done a lot of writing in the last month, it has really helped me get my feelings to come up, has even surprised me how strong my emotions really were and are still. I told my mom I was struggling w/ ED again and she\'s worried about me too. I figured I ought to tell her since I decided to get a book from the library about it, knowing she would have questions and she did. So I was honest telling her that I\'m using it as a coping mechanism, the way she\'s currently using her\'s. This suggestion may seem contradictory, but is there a way to still eat a little bit at a time and stop when you first get to feeling uncomfortable? And also, have you tried eating things that are easy to digest? When I was at my worst, I was drinking a protein drink \'cuz it was easier to drink stuff than it was to eat. That stuff tasted nasty, but it did help with nutrients. (I was eating 3 times a day but with constant diarrhea, no one would\'ve believed me at the time, esp. since it wasn\'t very much at a time). One more suggestion=Ensure or Boost both have a lot of calories in them, but could you drink one of those when your more logical thinking is present? When ED is talking to you, I know that\'s probably next to impossible, but would you be willing to try to do that once in a while?? If you need to talk, just send me a message, I will try to get back to you tonight on my family\'s computer if the weather isn\'t thundering and lightening--parents don\'t have properly grounded electrical wiring so when the weather does that, we unplug the computer til weather clears up....Lastly, please try to take care of yourself today. Huggs.
Hi, thanks for the message. It helps to talk through some of the frustration I\'m feeling. I think its hard to not have anyone in my life I can talk to who understands, besides DS. I just ran some errands, and had a bad dizzy spell with my daughter and her friend. My heart was racing, lightheaded and I almost passed out. It scared me enough to buy a small smoothie to boost my blood sugar. Funny you should mention drinking the calories. It is a lot easier. I think I\'ll try to drink a smoothie a day for a while, or maybe a boost though I\'ve always been terrified of those. Now that I told my mom I\'m struggling I\'ll prob be forced to eat dinner with her. I\'ll try little amounts and hopefully my stomach will adjust. I am hoping I can keep myself together for the next week and a half. I\'m watching my niece and nephews which will drive me nutz but hopefully help my depression. Really a godsend right now to get me out of this low. They\'re pretty adorable. Ages 3, 5, and 8. Thanks so much for chatting and for the advice. I hope the weather stays nice- its raining/lightning here right now. Stay in touch.
Those round numbers can be so compelling. I used to want to reach a certain round number figure or stay below a certain level. Funny thing is when I was a pre-teen and teen in the UK I was fixed on stones and pounds and when I was older elsewhere in Europe I switched to kilo goals. But if you convert the pounds to kilos you get some non-round number that isnt nearly so attractive.
I know its not a good idea to talk numbers but when I converted 100 pounds to kilos and saw how horribly low it is Im tempted to suggest that you aim to weigh 50 kg rather than 100 lb. Its still a low weight and probably your ideal weight is over 50 kg. Perhaps this isnt helpful at all but I am concerned about your low weight. Ive been there too and at the time I was terrified of being any heavier. But honestly sometimes heavier is stronger - mentally as well as physically.
I notice youve been supporting a lot of people in the Depression group. I had a quick glance and I found it a bit too much for me. I know the people there are desperate for help but I feel it would be very wearing to give lots of encouragement to suicidal people. Of course if you ever feel that way again - do get in touch. I do want to support you. I just feel that in my everyday dealings its enough to concentrate on eating disorders. Anyway I applaud you for doing such a great job and hope you find balance and joy in being with your niece and nephews.
Smoothies sound like a good idea. Enjoy!
Hi Kathy. Yes, the numbers catch me up, I decrease my goal by 5 lbs every time I get to my goal. I like your idea of converting to kilos instead. I\'m under the 100 mark, or 50 kg so I am hoping I can just maintain where I\'m at. That\'s my healthy thinking. :0) I forced myself to eat a little bit with my kiddos today, but it wasn\'t healthy food and I\'m regretting it big time. I need to buy stuff to make smoothies. As far as the depression board, yes, sometimes it is overwhelming, at least the crisis board, but it really was a lifesaver the other night when someone reached out to me. I like to think I can help someone who just needs someone to listen who may understand. And I have nothing better to do all hours of the night when I can\'t sleep. Lol I do think that ED\'s are plenty enough to concentrate on but the board is a lot slower. Just remembered, I saw that you\'re into rowing, do you row in lakes, rivers, the ocean? That sounds like a blast, I hope you\'re extremely proud of how far you\'ve come!