Caught red-handed; now what?!
Wow! What an eventful week or so. After finding the pictures on his phone, I was weirded out. I also was suspicious, but not certain, about whether he was cheating or not. I told myself that in the grand scheme of things, in light of EVERYTHING else that he has done to me and my kids over the years, that cheating was such a minor thing in comparison. I told myself that it didn't really matter after all. That I was leaving anyway, as soon as I get my ducks in a row. So....what did I care if he had been sleeping with half the country during the term of our relationship?
Boy was I dead wrong.....
So, on Tuesday he took the new car to the dealership for maintenance; brought home a loaner car. The heat in my car does not work really well--okay, not at all--and it was damn cold this week here. I called him on Wednesday morning to ask if I could take the new car up to the bus stop with the girls so we didn't all freeze to death while waiting for the bus. He tells me that he has taken the loaner back to the dealership, but for me just to take his truck (his work truck). While I hate driving that, it's a big S-10 and I get nervous in a vehicle that large, I also didn't want to freeze, so I say okay. Go out to start the truck to warm it up, and there is a cell phone on the passenger seat. A phone that looks exactly like mine (he has a different kind of phone), I had forgotten that, before he got this new phone, he had the same model that I do now. I put the phone in the center console and don't think about it.
While waiting for the bus, it's like this phone is calling out to me. I cannot explain it, but I could feel the curiosity getting the better of me. So...when I got home from the bus stop, I brought the phone inside with me. Of course it's dead, but since it is the same model as my phone, I have a charger to fit it. It only took me a couple seconds to feel my whole world tilt off it's axis.
He has videoed some girl performing oral sex on him, then the video stops as she gets on top of him. NO, I cannot see his face, but damn it after 19 years of sleeping with this man, I'm confident I know his body. There are also a couple of shots that he has obviously taken of himself to send to someone. He is clothed, but it is more than obvious that he is trying to be sexy in these pictures.
I felt like I had been sucker punched. I still do to be honest. I feel sick to my stomach and those images are seared into my brain for all eternity now. I am an idiot for thinking that he MAY NOT be cheating first off. But I am a bigger idiot for not realizing that, even though I plan to leave, even though he has been an abusive jerk for the entirety of our relationship, even though I will soon leave this relationship, I am an idiot for thinking it "didn't matter", that it wouldn't hurt like hell to be betrayed on this level.
So, did I save the video? Keep my knowledge to myself? Keep my mouth shut about it and keep that ammunition for during the divorce process?
In short, hell no! I wasn't able to. I couldn't have hidden those feelings from him if I'd wanted to. I was literally devastated, to the point that I felt like somebody I loved had just died. I confronted him. I asked him "why?" Why did you stay with me if you wanted other people, and on and on. What did I hope to accomplish with this? Why did I think he would suddenly have an epiphany and morph into an honest, good person? Why do I always find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt?! All I can say is I didn't get any sort of closure or peace from confronting him.
We went from flat out denial. As in "it wasn't me in that video, but I can't tell you who it is" (I mean come on really?!) To accusations of me being every kind of horrid thing you could imagine for daring to not trust him and go through his phone. To, he left the phone there on purpose...it was a set up (a made up video mind you) so he could hopefully finally get confessions out of me as to what I've been doing. To he's moving out (to which I calmly told him that was for the best). To now....he's trying to act as if nothing has happened at all, he's being just as sweet as can be, although we are not allowed to mention the "incident" as it was all a damn joke and why do I have to be such a bitch?!Oh yeah, and there was the inevitable "It doesn't matter. This relationship hasn't mattered for years. I refuse to change into a decent wife, so what difference does it make?" Of course, I'm not to take any of THOSE words to heart. I should know him better than to take words said in anger to heart. (Thing is, I do know him better, which is why this shouldn't be such a shock to my system).
Now....I'm just, I don't even know. I'm sleeping on the couch. Literally every single time I look at him I want to vomit, or throw something at him, or cry. I cannot get that image out of my head. I don't even know why I care, there is nothing left of our relationship (as if there ever really was), but it still freaking hurts like hell. My mind keeps replaying all the little signs over the years. All the things I just covered up and pretended weren't there, or justified and denied in my own mind. I figured that he wouldn't be cheating if he had it made at home. WTF kind of stupid idiot even thinks things like that!!! He's trying everything short of buying me a damn house to make this all just go away. I'm not to mention it, and he will not admit to any wrongdoing (how could I believe that was him in that video), but he's home every evening and even went out and bought groceries without being asked last night. (That has NEVER happened). He's asking me what I want for Christmas; he's offering to pay for half the kids' gifts (again, NEVER happened), asking me if I need money for new clothes for my new job or shoes, or just spending money. He even did laundry last night. He's talking about "us" buying a house together, as if we didn't just agree two damn nights ago that it was best for him to leave altogether. He even told me that cheating men are the scum of the earth, why do something that stupid?! REALLY!!!!!!!!!
Ugh....
Boy was I dead wrong.....
So, on Tuesday he took the new car to the dealership for maintenance; brought home a loaner car. The heat in my car does not work really well--okay, not at all--and it was damn cold this week here. I called him on Wednesday morning to ask if I could take the new car up to the bus stop with the girls so we didn't all freeze to death while waiting for the bus. He tells me that he has taken the loaner back to the dealership, but for me just to take his truck (his work truck). While I hate driving that, it's a big S-10 and I get nervous in a vehicle that large, I also didn't want to freeze, so I say okay. Go out to start the truck to warm it up, and there is a cell phone on the passenger seat. A phone that looks exactly like mine (he has a different kind of phone), I had forgotten that, before he got this new phone, he had the same model that I do now. I put the phone in the center console and don't think about it.
While waiting for the bus, it's like this phone is calling out to me. I cannot explain it, but I could feel the curiosity getting the better of me. So...when I got home from the bus stop, I brought the phone inside with me. Of course it's dead, but since it is the same model as my phone, I have a charger to fit it. It only took me a couple seconds to feel my whole world tilt off it's axis.
He has videoed some girl performing oral sex on him, then the video stops as she gets on top of him. NO, I cannot see his face, but damn it after 19 years of sleeping with this man, I'm confident I know his body. There are also a couple of shots that he has obviously taken of himself to send to someone. He is clothed, but it is more than obvious that he is trying to be sexy in these pictures.
I felt like I had been sucker punched. I still do to be honest. I feel sick to my stomach and those images are seared into my brain for all eternity now. I am an idiot for thinking that he MAY NOT be cheating first off. But I am a bigger idiot for not realizing that, even though I plan to leave, even though he has been an abusive jerk for the entirety of our relationship, even though I will soon leave this relationship, I am an idiot for thinking it "didn't matter", that it wouldn't hurt like hell to be betrayed on this level.
So, did I save the video? Keep my knowledge to myself? Keep my mouth shut about it and keep that ammunition for during the divorce process?
In short, hell no! I wasn't able to. I couldn't have hidden those feelings from him if I'd wanted to. I was literally devastated, to the point that I felt like somebody I loved had just died. I confronted him. I asked him "why?" Why did you stay with me if you wanted other people, and on and on. What did I hope to accomplish with this? Why did I think he would suddenly have an epiphany and morph into an honest, good person? Why do I always find myself giving him the benefit of the doubt?! All I can say is I didn't get any sort of closure or peace from confronting him.
We went from flat out denial. As in "it wasn't me in that video, but I can't tell you who it is" (I mean come on really?!) To accusations of me being every kind of horrid thing you could imagine for daring to not trust him and go through his phone. To, he left the phone there on purpose...it was a set up (a made up video mind you) so he could hopefully finally get confessions out of me as to what I've been doing. To he's moving out (to which I calmly told him that was for the best). To now....he's trying to act as if nothing has happened at all, he's being just as sweet as can be, although we are not allowed to mention the "incident" as it was all a damn joke and why do I have to be such a bitch?!Oh yeah, and there was the inevitable "It doesn't matter. This relationship hasn't mattered for years. I refuse to change into a decent wife, so what difference does it make?" Of course, I'm not to take any of THOSE words to heart. I should know him better than to take words said in anger to heart. (Thing is, I do know him better, which is why this shouldn't be such a shock to my system).
Now....I'm just, I don't even know. I'm sleeping on the couch. Literally every single time I look at him I want to vomit, or throw something at him, or cry. I cannot get that image out of my head. I don't even know why I care, there is nothing left of our relationship (as if there ever really was), but it still freaking hurts like hell. My mind keeps replaying all the little signs over the years. All the things I just covered up and pretended weren't there, or justified and denied in my own mind. I figured that he wouldn't be cheating if he had it made at home. WTF kind of stupid idiot even thinks things like that!!! He's trying everything short of buying me a damn house to make this all just go away. I'm not to mention it, and he will not admit to any wrongdoing (how could I believe that was him in that video), but he's home every evening and even went out and bought groceries without being asked last night. (That has NEVER happened). He's asking me what I want for Christmas; he's offering to pay for half the kids' gifts (again, NEVER happened), asking me if I need money for new clothes for my new job or shoes, or just spending money. He even did laundry last night. He's talking about "us" buying a house together, as if we didn't just agree two damn nights ago that it was best for him to leave altogether. He even told me that cheating men are the scum of the earth, why do something that stupid?! REALLY!!!!!!!!!
Ugh....
Replies
He did it to toss you you back into line, again. Men leaves evidence of cheating around ALL THE TIME in order to better control the women in their lives. I should say abusers do. They do it because they know it cuts a woman off at the knees, devastates her in a way nothing else does. A friend described it to me as feeling \"like she was dying.\"
The physical relationship with a longterm partner is the most initmate part of the relationship. It is the part that is meant to be kept to only the 2 of you because it requires a depth of surrender of each of you to the other that is violated by the presence of a third person. People can say, and many do, \"the relationship is so bad, anyway, it does not matter.\" But, as you see, it does. Separating, in the intimate part of a relationship, takes the most time and care, as that is the deepest part.
Men will leave evdience of cheating around for a woman to find who they fear is planning to leave. They do it because they know this will cause feelings of pain in her that will be crippling. It will cause feelings of love and loss. Maybe what they don\'t know, is it will also cause feelings of hate, disgust, and repulsion that can never be truly healed. In every case of this I have witnessed in my friends\' lives and my own, this ploy sealed the inevtiable outcome that the woman left. Even is she stayed longer, because she was emotionally debilitated by the pain, she always left and stayed gone. The man, in reality, just removes every last shred of connection to him.
I am sorry you are going through this, (((sweet))).
Thanks Kris. Crippling just about sums it up. I\'m keeping a smile on my face, pretty much have to in order to function, but I feel like everyone can see I\'m literally hanging in by a thread. And yes, I think he thinks I\'m really buying his b.s (whichever sorry I\'m supposed to believe, I haven\'t figured that out yet...either he doesn\'t care so it doesn\'t matter, or he would never do something like that...take your pick), and that it\'s all gonna go away. Thing is, he seriously miscalculated this time. I will NEVER be able to see anything other that this horrible thing anytime I look at him again.
Sick bastard. I am so sorry that you\'re dealing with this.
I\'m soooo sorry Sweet..... It is a punch in the gut!! In my opinion, he didn\'t leave the phone there intentionally. He is simply such a narc that he forgot it was there. So full of himself and so confident that he just didn\'t think about you ever finding out about him and his sick, twisted sexual events. And now attempting to make you believe anything other than the absolute truth about him.... his sudden caring, generosity, and anything else he can muster up to throw you off his track.....He doesn\'t want his world to crumble... why would he? He\'s had the best of both worlds..... having you for a slave.... to fetch, do everything he wants, meals at his whim, etc. etc., sex servant for whenever he has an \"itch\" that he needs scratching, when he\'s not with one of his tramps..... why would he want this to end? He has had it all!!! And now, you\'ve got the upper hand and he is trying everything in his power to make you back peddle. Not to kick his sorry ass out.... not to lose the kingdom that he has built for himself (and only himself) at the expense of your well being (both physically and mentally), your daughters well being... I do hope you don\'t succumb to his B.S. and not be sucked in by his sudden temporary kindness. You know in your heart, it will not last.
(((((Many Hugs Sweet)))))
Thank you guys, your support is like a warm,, cozy blanket on a bitterly cold winter day! I\'m not falling for it, yet I\'m amazed at the depth of his ability to pretend and to think I\'m on board! He cooked dinner for me last night, he\'s been solicitous, kind, and trying to be affectionate. In short, he\'s like the dream husband all of the sudden. Im caught between wanting to laugh and wanting to scream! Apparently he is capable of being human. Of course I\'m still not to mention the \"fake\" video, frankly at this point why bother, he\'s a damn liar, but otherwise he\'s the picture of a loving husband. Unbelievablr