Carve your name so I may never forget
FUCK. It has been three years since I have cut, or carved as "they" call it. I have been seriously yet not so seriously considering just trying it one more time. I never felt like I got anything out of it yet if I got nothing why did I continue to do it? I must have been getting something out of it. Thats why Im thinking that I want to try again. I just kept trying again and then trying again hoping that next time it will feel good. Well, it felt. It just felt unlike much else and I liked that.
When everything that you hold near and dear to your heart is ripped from you in one single swoop what else is one to do? I don't know if I want to die, I might but not quite done fighting it yet. I just want to try it, dip my toe and remember what it was that I felt so long ago. I would carve something crative and meaningful, almost spitiual and religous like a name or a word. Maybe fiona.....no, she is an animal. She does not deserve this burden. I dont even know what im talking about.
I took two razors from a shaving razor. They are in an empty altoids tin in my purse, rattling every time I move reminding me "Hey, im here babe if ya need me" To be honest I dont wanna get better. I like it too much, this sick little part of myeslf. It at least has some sort of personality or identity unlike this blob of a girl thats on the outside. Weak, all I am and all I show to the world. its no wonder im so easily victimized, tricked, manipulated, taken advantage of.
Getting high, is also another tantalizingly available option. If it werent for my mothers love and the fear of losing it, Id be all over that shit. I see my therapist tomorrow, I will try to hold on till then, but no promises. Im not going to die or anything, im too chicken for that. Just wanna dip a toe, ya know? A toe.............
When everything that you hold near and dear to your heart is ripped from you in one single swoop what else is one to do? I don't know if I want to die, I might but not quite done fighting it yet. I just want to try it, dip my toe and remember what it was that I felt so long ago. I would carve something crative and meaningful, almost spitiual and religous like a name or a word. Maybe fiona.....no, she is an animal. She does not deserve this burden. I dont even know what im talking about.
I took two razors from a shaving razor. They are in an empty altoids tin in my purse, rattling every time I move reminding me "Hey, im here babe if ya need me" To be honest I dont wanna get better. I like it too much, this sick little part of myeslf. It at least has some sort of personality or identity unlike this blob of a girl thats on the outside. Weak, all I am and all I show to the world. its no wonder im so easily victimized, tricked, manipulated, taken advantage of.
Getting high, is also another tantalizingly available option. If it werent for my mothers love and the fear of losing it, Id be all over that shit. I see my therapist tomorrow, I will try to hold on till then, but no promises. Im not going to die or anything, im too chicken for that. Just wanna dip a toe, ya know? A toe.............
Replies
I used to be a cutter. I haven\'t done it since January at the urge of my mom, but everyone time I get angry or sad I think about it. It the first thing I feel like doing because I feel I am punishing myself for letting things get out of control. For a long time I cut because I am angry with myself for letting me get this big. I am sure the circumstances are different for you, and I am sure I can\'t imagine what you are going through. I can\'t imagine how hard 3 years has been. When I have barely made it through 7 months, but I don\'t think you want to throw 3 years away! Best of luck with your therapist! I do hope you get through it :)