Caretaking/The "V" word
This morning I woke up to Joes text again-this time apoligizing for rushing the marriage thing. Telling me he needs to stand on his own two feet again and apoligizing for the mess. After a lengthy conversation back and forth with him there once again was silence.
The inner caretaker in me wants to go take care of him-get him in line-comfort him too. That's my heart talking. My head says I need to concentrate on myself and don't jump into a hotter fire. I feel helpless, selfish, guilty and lost.
I love this person with all my heart and have put two years of energy and tears into this for it to come out like this. But, if losing each other means he might get better then, I will put back those memories and move on and pray that he gets better.
In the beggining he intimidated me which led us to being off and on. He made me feel weak because he said I could not stand on my own two feet-but-I have. Ive paid my own way since my divorce and during the marriage carried our family financially while my ex sent us down a black hole with his businesses. Now, I'm seeing Joe in a much different light. My counselor told me once that being myself exposed my ex husband for what he was-authenticity always outshines falsehood.
Ive known this about Joe for some time-when I get to know the person I break down their mannerisms, words and try and see what brought them to their current state of being. He's scared and angry and in alot of pain from being hurt long ago with something I had nothing to do with. Until he faces these demons, there are no guarentees. The fact remains-I still love him and my heart is broken.
On a different note-I was listening to Richard Loop on Youtube this morning, he was basically saying that we can choose to live in a world that we create in our minds-We can choose to live in fear of this virus and other things that are fearful or we can choose to not live in the fear and remain at a high vibration. Yesterday morning I woke up with a sense of calmness-and came into the office to work. Someone brought up "the V-Word (Virus) in conversation. I said "I'm not afraid to die and I choose not to live in the fear".
I'm not watching the news and I'm not listening to the all the negative hype either.
Replies
I never think any ones ever pirating...I'm so tired of this Virus thing. I am sorry about your son. Can't imagine. I know its gotta be hard having all the tension between you and hubby.
I don't think your a toxic Mom-kids don't get that parenting is not easy and far less when you haven't had good examples growing up to use. My daughter will never know what struggles she never saw. Just as your son will never know what you've endured. We do our best and you continue to do your best. Noone asks for shit in life....sometimes it just happens,
My dad was ‘hurt’ in his two failed marriages and has held on to that for decades. Without accepting that his emotional distance played a big part he will never be able to heal. It’s sad because he is so good in so many ways. But anger is his go to emotion when he feels fear of change. Or whatever the hell it is:) Anyway his gf calls me about once a week for a ‘talk’. Same stuff. ‘No, I don’t think he’ll change.....no, I don’t think you can fix him....’. Stay or go are the options.
Personally I have been hurt in the past and, a few years ago, was able to release most of it by ‘just’ living in today and learning how to stop playing the same broken record in my mind. After some time that habit of looking back at what could have been faded away. (@arfie, my little dramas aren’t in the same universe as your pain)
Anyway I think you are doing what’s best for you and him. I know from experience that recovery from alcohol is much harder in a relationship. It needs to be done from deep inside and there’s a huge temptation to’share’ the journey. Which waters down that which needs to be swallowed. Bitter medicine at first. No one can do that for us or ‘with’ us.
Funny about you standing on your own two feet when he seems to be stumbling a lot himself.
Thanks Finally. I know my problems are not in the same ball park with so many who have it far worse-but-I still need to type out my pain whether people want to read or not. I believe things started falling apart for him after he lost visitation with his step daughter-his ex was doing everything she could to keep the daughter away from him during the divorce and he was told that it would probably be better for the daughter if he stopped fighting. They have been able to reach out over the years but the ex still plays a role in manipulating the daughter and blaming him. We had sat down and looked at some pictures of when he was younger during that time-he looked like a happy whole person. I had to do a double take because I don't see that person in him at all. I think that person died and was replaced by a angry, bitter heavy drinker. Hes always been a real funny guy-making people laugh-but I think this Is to mask the deep pain he feels.
Dear sage please know that anything I offer is only my experience in what I have learned or observed. I never presume to compare What we perceive in our reality is for us to work with and maybe share with others who are working with their perception. Sometimes there’s common ground and we can heal a little more through that.
Plus this is YOUR journal lol. I’m just a fan in the audience not a critic. There are enough of those.
Hugs for your heart.
Right you are, my sister-in-healing. I deleted the commentary which would be more appropriate in **my** therapy journal.
Continued support while you sort your own.
I'm thankful for you both and don't ask to delete anything you say-I respect everything you have to say and appreciate the help and guidance you give me.
The art of building healthy boundaries between individual healing needs gets my vote as the greatest gift I have received from my decades within the psycho healing network, Sage. I deleted *my* commentary out of respect for that gift. My problems really don't belong in anyone else's journal unless A Specific Problem is directly relevant to the entry.
Equally, I appreciate your input to my own psycho sorting, but I'm pretty sure you have yet to outlive a child and inherit his 3 orphans. That body of ^its^ belongs in *my* journal and no one else's.
So opineth The Arf. . . If The Arf so opineth, it must be true. I am the owner of The Truth, after all. (I hope you can read the sarcastic tones in my sarcasm. Beehaving now. . .