Careless

So after my last post I had this miraculous recovery where for a couple of days I felt like myself again. Of course not at full throttle yet, but at least it felt again like my actions were stemming from me again instead of the medication. I was cheerful and lively and had no problem getting up in the morning and doing stuff. I could keep up with the pace of walking and biking around me again. I wasn't so anxious anymore over the final essays coming up and other things. My shrink who saw me said I looked a lot better than last time (which is not really a good standard since then i broke down and cried) and even said it could be the end of my depression. I myself wasn't so sure. I was so glad I was feeling so well and to know that the 'real me' was still there. But I almost didn't dare talk about it because I was afraid it would fleet away from me again if I did. That it would have been just a small up caused by medication or circumstances and nothing constructive would come from it. 
I really do hate being right sometimes. Guess it was a bit too good to be true yet. 
So the past 2 days I haven't done anything but sleep much and scurry around in my room feeling empty and worthless. Maybe it has something to do with pressure of writing those essays plus the pressure my commission is putting on me to get an article done. Of which I don't have a clue how to get started on it and I've asked them for help several times and what do they do? They make me head executive on this piece 'since it was my idea originally'. Which is just an official way of saying that all the responsibility is on me and that I'm screwed if it fails. Thanks, guys. I've been trying to be subtle about this but what should I do now? "Sorry guys, I really can't handle this thing since I'm DEPRESSED AND BIPOLAR which makes supplying ideas a whole lot easier than executing them and I kind of have other, more important shit on my mind right now"? Yeah, way to raise your social status. I don't want them thinking I'm victimising myself or running away from the responsibility bit while welcoming all the fun.
If they were my close friends I could tell them no problem and if they were strangers, too, because then I'd have nothing to lose. But they're exactly in between. I just don't feel comfortable enough with them yet - but I also have to stick it out with them until summer. I'm really lost and I really don't see that article happening and I really don't know how I should communicate this to them since I've already tried and they just don't get it while I've even told the chairman during my interview that I still suffer depressions and that I might not to be able to be functional throughout the year. I mean, he even studies psychology for god's sake! Am I that good at hiding my depression or was their impression of me always this slow, neurotic person? I really don't get it anymore. If the top ones don't know that I'm depressed then they're deaf blind and stupid and if they do know then they're doing an amazingly bad job at dealing with it. If you can call it dealing with it since they just seem ignorant. So I know I'll eventually have to voice it out loud for them to get it into their thick heads that they can't just demand whatever from me for a good reason. But I really hate putting all the attention on me and I'm afraid that with my instability I'll end up crying or otherwise off-balance and give them an even worse impression of me. How do you explain you want them to treat you like a normal person except for certain moments that you can't even define yourself? Fuck me I'm screwed. 
I can't say if I'm scared out of my mind right now or just completely apathetic. On one hand the thought of those things I should be doing makes me cringe and sick to my stomach and makes me want to hide somewhere quite permanently and on the other hand I'm just interested in doing what I feel like and if that's nothing then everything else can crash down and burn for all I care. I know this is bad and also bad bad timing and bad bad bad me that I just can't get myself to confront this shit and pull myself out of it. Yet somehow I really couldn't care less and I can't help but wish that I did.

Replies

lightbright
lightbright

Usually people think more about themselves than they do about other people. I have to remember to give people credit that they may not be judging me harshly after all and it is in fact me who is judging myself harshly, but it surfaces in the form of the fear that I am being judged. People probably like you more than you realize, so relax. Also, what\'s your article on? Ask for help.
lightbright
lightbright

But definitely do your priorities first...make a check list. Get a notebook to write down your ideas throughout the day. Then after a few days you will have collected a lot of good info to refer to for your paper.
MaybeICanHelp
MaybeICanHelp

I am not surprised that your commission do not realize that you are suffering with depression. I know its easy to put on a good face, or to even feel OK when you are in a meeting, but then feel completely different later when you are alone. I really think you should let them off the hook for not noticing, and tell them that you are suffering with your bipolar disorder and are not feeling up for the job of leading this. I\'m sure they would understand. A lot of people say they get depressed, but saying you have been diagnosed as bipolar would make more of an impression. You are not playing the victim. You are just being honest and realistic. There is nothing wrong with that. BTW, you will face this same issue when you are in the work world, so you might as well get used to dealing with it now. Good luck.
Moirne
Moirne

Thanks you guys for your comments. I did realise I can\'t really blame them for not noticing but I was just really pissed at having to deal with this when I actually want to be concentrating on something else. I am harsh on myself, always have been. But I asked for help several times and instead the initiative was always passed back to me. I\'ll write an email to the chairman (which I\'m really dreading) explaining my situation and my inability to do anything for them right now. Then I can just focus on my own writing.
MaybeICanHelp
MaybeICanHelp

That sounds like a plan. I am having trouble getting things done too atm. Considering it is almost the winter solstice, I guess that is not surprising.