Car time

Have you noticed how vulnerable you are in the car? Your head can be a million miles away. Not safe, is it. We don't want to put other people at risk out there, for goodness sakes... especially since we so sadly know how devastating it is when one precious life is taken.
So I just drove 4 hours, Maine to Cape Cod. I thought about Andy intermittently on the drive. How much he suffered... the pain of the cancer and the anguish of the diagnosis. It's hard to let go of the feeling of being haunted by his suffering. : ( I know you know what I mean, so I feel safe saying it here. Poor poor Andy. I'll tell you more sometime about how brave he was. IT blows my mind. (You can also read about in our caringbridge website.)
Family wedding this weekend. I'll have lots of time to myself and lots of time with family. It will be so painfully obvious that Andy is not here with all his cousins. Everyone is really nice about it but I know it's the first of sooo many family events where he will be missed.
To tell you the truth I think he would have hated this over-the-top insanely fancy wedding, and might have either come and rained on their parade or chosen to stay home. THat helps a tiny bit, lol. I will look at  the whole thing with Andy eyes. 
Now I'm going to take a little nap because I didn't sleep well and even felt (shhhh) a tiny bit drowsy on the road. More hazard. That's what chocolate is for, right?

Replies

CorriesMom
CorriesMom

Yes ~ we all feel perhaps our most vulnerable when we are driving. I sometimes think that cars are like private sanctuaries. When you\'re in a car you are not at home surrounded by things reminding you of everything that\'s not getting done and/or all those little things that remind us of our broken hearts. A car is neutral ground, a safe haven. And then the sad, angry, painful thoughts flood in. Many of us scream, rage and sob in our cars. If it\'s too bad it is always a good idea to pull over, as you said.

I think experiencing the wedding through Andy\'s eyes is a great idea! It may help you hang on to a secret, hidden ironic little smile and remind you not to take these events too seriously. Please do remember to take time for yourself this week and, most especially, this weekend at the wedding. If you suddenly feel that \"punched in the gut\" feeling, give yourself permission in advance to go to a private room until you are feeling stronger.

Have a gentle, peaceful time with family and, when it\'s time to drive home ~ please drive carefully! Getting distracted is a very real danger.

Sending love and the tightest of hugs for the week ~ Debbie
biowoman
biowoman

Driving time is like mowing time...time for thinking and often crying. I am glad you made it safely...enjoy the fancy smancy wedding and smile a secret smile that Andy will be rolling his eyes at the excessiveness...love and hugs...Karen
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

omg. you guys really understand. it makes me have an instant lump in my throat.