captains log day 1

Decided to use daily strength again to help myself focus on my healing and copnig with all the crap life has handed me. Right now after struggling for years with what Im now realizing is PTSD..Im amazed at how well things are. I am in a safe place and loved..and I think I am still unworthy I cry and get scared and want to run away because part of me doesnt want to believe its real or any of what I went throuhg was real. I dont want to believe I had an ex-boyfriend almost kill me wrapping his belt around my neck and sitting on my shoulders and stomach..till I began to lose consciousness...lucky someone walked in and saved me. I dont want to believe I slept in a dirty crack house with no electric or running water, whilst my roommate shot up or had sex with people for rocks or heroin. I dont want to believe that when I was 15 my mom called me a whore for telling her I was raped repeatedly by my cousin (her favorite too of course) and her to call me a liar..and then when I slit my wrist and she walked in she called me pathetic and just wanting attention..how could I believe my mother would react that way to her own Child’s innocents being ripped away from her..or that her ex boyfriend also stuck his penis inside me one time with out my consent..against MY WILL! And then she steals my child and wont let me see her for 10 years..no I dont want to believe I have a beautiful sweet daughter I haven’t seen in 10 years. I dont want to belive that my 5 year old cries over the sister she cant see. ..I dont want to believe that I spent time in a prision with hardened criminals all because I was with a guy who did some bad things..including beat me at least once a week with what ever he had layign around and no one in my family or friends bailed e out for months and all they needed was $100 but they let me sit there and never wrote or answered their phones..because I went against their grain and told the truth.... I dont want to believe that I was that stupid..that i didnt know to just do better than they told me I was..but they always told me I wasnt good enough..you can do better..why arent you more like Mary..why cant you get good grades like Jackie..why dont you dress better..you were never intended...i did not want children..your the reason your father left..I dont want to believe that my own mother said these thigns to me and meant them..and tells my daughter that I am a liar and cannot be trusted..I dont want to believe that I walked 300 miles to see my child on Christmas till my feet bleed! riding in 18 wheelers hitchhiking to get ot my child..I dont want to believe that I did that with no food..and my body hurt from the walkin and the lack off food. I dont want to remember the cold december rain blasting into my pores as I trudged and kept sayign another hour ill be closer another 15 minutes I can sit down..another 50 miles I will be near her..Ias my feet are numb with pain and my body dropping into a hovel of a young woman (23 at the time) I dont want to believe that I dated and loved a man for over 10 years aftr al that and he made me hide UNDER HIS BED at 30 years old from his disapproving mother bc he wanted to keep in thier good graces for financial reasons..bc he didnt want to work and they said I was trash and a whore and a gold digger but I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS FOR HIM!. had to hide under his bed ..and then find out he has married another woman and moved her into his mothers house..I dont want to belive this..or that my roomate came home from work one day and never came out of her room and I found her lifeless dead body..I cant..No parents...a child I cant see..broken trust bonds loyelaty and degeneration of my spine. Wrecked my car 2006 tequilla..dunt dunna dunt duh..Im ruined..cant work bc of the criminal offenses or the bad back..I dont want to belive that I now a in a safe place either. I fight the happy the calme..I fight not having to be on gaurd..I fight real love..and my mind makes up stories about how the good peple in my life really hate me and are lying..its hell its hell.. I want to see and believe the good things..before I lose everything again..and the lease is in my name this time..Im scared...im happy enough that my dimples show again its been 15 years..but he ptsd shoots me up with a memory every once in a while and I fall into the flor and beat my head against it wanting to die till someone pulls me up and wrestles me back into reality. I need to journal more ths helps. Sorry I cant write any more my bed time alarm went off.