Captains Log

My nephew and his wife gave birth to a very cutie baby boy today.   His name is Sullivan James .    He has so much hair i cant stop looking at it in the new pics.  I am a great uncle 3 times now.    I never had kids of my own.   Looking at a pic of my nephew holding that boy while in the doctors mask and gown made me cry.
    Theres a void there in me.  ill never experience being a dad.   I would love to have a baby girl,  She would be the biggest Daddys girl.   Im 43 now...i think that the odds are against me of being a father to a biological child.   Today was the first time i felt pain about it.
Love life update.....Couple weeks ago there was the girl i was broke up when she said she couldnt commit to us being boyfriend and girlfriend.  There was noway i could be ok with her doing what we do when alone with someone else..on dates and such.   A week went by with no contact.
   She emailed me....saying she missed me.
    we went out 1 night to see a band,  another night we trimmed her xmas tree and cooked dinner together.    This past wednsday i cooked dinner for her at my house and brought it over to her house.  My house isnt ready yet,  still empty.
  Shes diabetic,  eating is very tricky for her,   ive been researching menus and cooking tips and the how tos for cooking for diabetics.
I was kinda weary about it cause i didnt know if i was intruding on her business, wasnt sure if she was gonna feel weird about it.
   She said she thought it was sweet....and sexy.  Go figure.
I told her that i wanted to show her that i care and know how important and serious it is that she eats correctly, and healthy.
I like her alot.   I would cook for her everyday.  I would cook and we both would eat healthy.
What i feel when we are kissing and hugging and touching....its wonderful.   I actually had to let her go to get us where we are at now.   The week with no contact i was sure it was over.   Right now things are good. 
Money,   money money money....i need it,  i love it, i hate it, i want it.
money money money....where is it?