cant stop crying. boyfriend troubles. want to cut. hate life.

So my boyfriend of 4 years moved to ny recently ( in june) and it's w/e cause it was a good choice for him and hes doing a lot better workwise and life wise. BUT i only get to see him 2 times a month and it sucks. It SUCKS FUCKING ASS. so he's here over thanksgiving vacation and like he REFUSES or like doesnt want to spend time with me, just us. I understand that he wants to see his old friends and all. BUT all i asked for was ONE FUCKING DAY. i swear that if i dont get one day, that i cant take it. its so hard for me already. its so hard. I miss him so much and i talked to him and was like can we have a "date day" like old times and he was like yeah definitely. and so today when i thought we were going to have some alone time, his sister came over. and i was like whatever i love her, shes like family, but then a SLEW of his friends came over too, and they are smoking MAD weed right now. and it makes me feel so hurt. i am just going to get in the shoower and cry. i know he loves me. but i feel like he just either doesnt care or i dont even know. i know i'm kind of demanding and i love him so much. i try tell myself over and over that if he is happy and still loves me that i am happy too, but i just am so sad. so here i am at his house, in the basement on my laptop while they are all outside by the fire smoking and drinking. and i just wanted one fucking day. and he changed his plans and while we were outside he was taking to his friends about what they are going to do tomorrow when that was supposed to be MY day. I know in a way i deserve it cause i've been such a bad person in the past, and i should just be happy that he is with me and cares about me. but i just am so sad. i want to cut so bad. i'm just a bad girlfriend. i cant be happy. i have to try make him do things he doesnt want to do when really we shoudl just compromise. but seroiusly 2 times a month and he doesnt come down ever to visit me. i have to sit on a bus for 5 fucking hours to go up there if i want to spend time with him usually. the only times he comes back to dc is for family things. and like. i feel so hurt and depressed. i'm sorry. i just had to get that out. i feel so embarassed for sitting here crying in the basement while they are all outside having fun, but i am just so sad.