Can't sleep without aids
It's been 17 days since I last saw Monty. I thought it would get easier, but every day it's like a new knife is thrust into my chest. I have the most horrible thoughts, and the most horrible visions. I just wish I knew where he was. Whether he was dead or alive. I know that it might be a horrible truth that I could be facing, but it's better than not knowing anything. At least then I'd know which way to turn and whether or not to start grief counselling. At this point I can do nothing but hope, pray and basically plead that he's okay.
I'm so dependent on the valium (diazepam). Today I've had 7. It changes from day to day. One day I might have none, another day I might need 2. I think on the days I need less is because I've still got the day before's dosage in there somewhere.
I've upped my dosage of Pristiq to 100mg but there's been no change. If anything I think I've become worse. I don't want to socialise or talk to anyone. I just want to sleep, to escape the pain I'm in.
I can't watch many movies or listen to much music. Monty always hated music. And most songs remind me of him and I find myself sobbing, wishing he would return. The only movies I can watch are horror movies. And I'm fast running out. I watched Insidious twice already and I haven't even owned it a week. Tonight I watched Scream 4 and Howling Reborn or whatever it's called. I've watched zombie movies and Source 8. I can't watch anything with animals in it.
As for how I spend my days I spend a lot of time on Facebook, liking pages that describe my current mood. So basically a lot of "I miss you pages" and "heartbroken" pages. People probably think I split with a boyfriend or something. I don't write how I really feel. How I'm breaking inside. I told mum today if I came along a brown snake I'd antagonise it until it bit me so I could go to hospital and just be away from here.
I've gone to Mental Health 3 times and asked to be admitted but I'm always turned away. They give me referrals. I go to 4 different places. One is for women who have been sexually abused. My father molested me when I was a child so we're talking about that at the moment. Then I was referred to a Drug and Alcohol place because of my misuse of valium and alcohol - I was mixing the two and taking a lot of valium. Another is a Clubhouse program for those that suffer from mental illness. And the other is a similar group for those that suffer a serious mental illness.
My depression is getting much worse. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm going to ask him for something stronger than valium so I don't have to take as many. I've heard lorazepam is good. And you only take one tablet for what 5 tablets of valium would do for me. I basically need a stronger tranquilizer. When I surfed the web I found major tranquilizers but apparently they're only prescribed to those suffering psychosis or manic episodes. The valium takes away the urge to cut though. Last time I cut it was bad. I actually carved Monty's name into my arm and it still hasn't healed. And that was like 2 weeks ago. Admittedly sometimes I rip the scab off in the hopes that it will scar. I have no more ties to Monty. God, I miss him so much.
Another thing on Monday at my psychiatrist's appointment. I'm going to ask if I can be referred to a specialist down in Brisbane to do a complete diagnostic on me and tell me exactly what mental health illnesses I do suffer from. I'm getting mixed information, and because my grandmother suffered schizophrenia I'm worried I might have a few ripple effects of the illness. There's so much contradicting information on the net, so I'm really not sure.
Well these meds have finally kicked in and I think I can sleep now. It's 4am, so I guess I'll spend most of my day in bed. Also when I get a chance I'll send hugs, upload some photos of my two new dogs, Coco and Aztec.
I hope wherever you are your days are better than mine. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone...
I'm so dependent on the valium (diazepam). Today I've had 7. It changes from day to day. One day I might have none, another day I might need 2. I think on the days I need less is because I've still got the day before's dosage in there somewhere.
I've upped my dosage of Pristiq to 100mg but there's been no change. If anything I think I've become worse. I don't want to socialise or talk to anyone. I just want to sleep, to escape the pain I'm in.
I can't watch many movies or listen to much music. Monty always hated music. And most songs remind me of him and I find myself sobbing, wishing he would return. The only movies I can watch are horror movies. And I'm fast running out. I watched Insidious twice already and I haven't even owned it a week. Tonight I watched Scream 4 and Howling Reborn or whatever it's called. I've watched zombie movies and Source 8. I can't watch anything with animals in it.
As for how I spend my days I spend a lot of time on Facebook, liking pages that describe my current mood. So basically a lot of "I miss you pages" and "heartbroken" pages. People probably think I split with a boyfriend or something. I don't write how I really feel. How I'm breaking inside. I told mum today if I came along a brown snake I'd antagonise it until it bit me so I could go to hospital and just be away from here.
I've gone to Mental Health 3 times and asked to be admitted but I'm always turned away. They give me referrals. I go to 4 different places. One is for women who have been sexually abused. My father molested me when I was a child so we're talking about that at the moment. Then I was referred to a Drug and Alcohol place because of my misuse of valium and alcohol - I was mixing the two and taking a lot of valium. Another is a Clubhouse program for those that suffer from mental illness. And the other is a similar group for those that suffer a serious mental illness.
My depression is getting much worse. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm going to ask him for something stronger than valium so I don't have to take as many. I've heard lorazepam is good. And you only take one tablet for what 5 tablets of valium would do for me. I basically need a stronger tranquilizer. When I surfed the web I found major tranquilizers but apparently they're only prescribed to those suffering psychosis or manic episodes. The valium takes away the urge to cut though. Last time I cut it was bad. I actually carved Monty's name into my arm and it still hasn't healed. And that was like 2 weeks ago. Admittedly sometimes I rip the scab off in the hopes that it will scar. I have no more ties to Monty. God, I miss him so much.
Another thing on Monday at my psychiatrist's appointment. I'm going to ask if I can be referred to a specialist down in Brisbane to do a complete diagnostic on me and tell me exactly what mental health illnesses I do suffer from. I'm getting mixed information, and because my grandmother suffered schizophrenia I'm worried I might have a few ripple effects of the illness. There's so much contradicting information on the net, so I'm really not sure.
Well these meds have finally kicked in and I think I can sleep now. It's 4am, so I guess I'll spend most of my day in bed. Also when I get a chance I'll send hugs, upload some photos of my two new dogs, Coco and Aztec.
I hope wherever you are your days are better than mine. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone...
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