Can't sleep - trying not to eat
Monday night, I cannot sleep.
My brain doesn't know whether to be angry or disgusted, at myself or at the mother effer who continued the pain that I was already in as a 12 year old girl. I think back to being a sophomore in high school, so depressed that I could barely move. I could do my schoolwork and I went to a support group, but I was so terribly alone. I tried to get therapy to deal with the abuse. I tried to get the healing to come, but I spent years wondering if what I remembered was real or a romanticized version of reality. I have a great creative mind and if I imagine it, I can see it like a movie in front of my eyes. But I knew that it had happened. Other people involved admitted what they had done -- giving my name as a babysitter for one. Besides that, the story of my being raped and a subsequent "relationship" with him was not beautiful or romantic. It was effing disgusting. My brain was just confused and I would rather blame myself for my behaviors than to bring another party into the mess. I knew that I had sought out relationships with other men. I snuck out and chose to have sex with DK and others after him. I remember DK asking me, after we had stopped "seeing" each other if I had been a virgin when we had sex. It is when I confessed to him that I was only 12 when we met and that at that time I was 13. I told him yes. He wanted to hear that. Truth was, I don't remember a time when I had not been abused and I counted myself as giving up my virginity to DK because I chose that kiss and sexual encounter. With my previous exposures to sex through molestation, I told myself that it was not my choice and that I could decide when I gave up my virginity. They could not take it from me unwillingly.Sex is such a confusing thing to me. I love my husband so much and the truth is that I rarely feel sexually excited. Between chronic yeast infections and gaining weight and the day to day trials of life, it is very hard to feel anything other than tired all the time. Is that the depression? Is that my way of coping with deep seated pain from the past? I know my husband would be happier all around if he was getting more intimacy. Add Prozac to my daily regimen and not only do I not feel like having sex but when I do it's nearly impossible to climax. But I'm not crying about it! Yay for antidepressants. You can't have the big O but you don't give a shit? My husband cares. I have to get more medical tests tomorrow. I would love to go to the website where my abuser is talking about positive thinking and all of this BS and leave him a nasty message. I'd love to ask him if he remembers all of the devastation he has caused me and how it fits into his dreams that come true bullshit. I read through his website and I hated him for things he wrote. They were perfectly wonderful sentiments but twisted and wrong, not acknowledging the need for God or Christ. I wonder if he tried to encourage me with my writing back then. I don't remember the mundane things, but it felt like things that he had said to me at some point. That made me sick. His poor children to have to grow up with that piece of crap for a father.God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
More than ever I need that glimpse of an eternal perspective. I need to be sure I do not hurt myself anymore. I have a loving husband, beautiful children, and a good life. I cannot change the past, so I have to work with today. The statute of limitations has already passed for my case. There is no statute of limitations for God's judgment, however. I need to live worthy of this good life I've been given.My goal: Treat myself with love and respect by putting healthy food into my body. Increase meat and veggies, eliminate sugar and useless carbs.I appreciate comments. :-)Thanks.Deanna
My brain doesn't know whether to be angry or disgusted, at myself or at the mother effer who continued the pain that I was already in as a 12 year old girl. I think back to being a sophomore in high school, so depressed that I could barely move. I could do my schoolwork and I went to a support group, but I was so terribly alone. I tried to get therapy to deal with the abuse. I tried to get the healing to come, but I spent years wondering if what I remembered was real or a romanticized version of reality. I have a great creative mind and if I imagine it, I can see it like a movie in front of my eyes. But I knew that it had happened. Other people involved admitted what they had done -- giving my name as a babysitter for one. Besides that, the story of my being raped and a subsequent "relationship" with him was not beautiful or romantic. It was effing disgusting. My brain was just confused and I would rather blame myself for my behaviors than to bring another party into the mess. I knew that I had sought out relationships with other men. I snuck out and chose to have sex with DK and others after him. I remember DK asking me, after we had stopped "seeing" each other if I had been a virgin when we had sex. It is when I confessed to him that I was only 12 when we met and that at that time I was 13. I told him yes. He wanted to hear that. Truth was, I don't remember a time when I had not been abused and I counted myself as giving up my virginity to DK because I chose that kiss and sexual encounter. With my previous exposures to sex through molestation, I told myself that it was not my choice and that I could decide when I gave up my virginity. They could not take it from me unwillingly.Sex is such a confusing thing to me. I love my husband so much and the truth is that I rarely feel sexually excited. Between chronic yeast infections and gaining weight and the day to day trials of life, it is very hard to feel anything other than tired all the time. Is that the depression? Is that my way of coping with deep seated pain from the past? I know my husband would be happier all around if he was getting more intimacy. Add Prozac to my daily regimen and not only do I not feel like having sex but when I do it's nearly impossible to climax. But I'm not crying about it! Yay for antidepressants. You can't have the big O but you don't give a shit? My husband cares. I have to get more medical tests tomorrow. I would love to go to the website where my abuser is talking about positive thinking and all of this BS and leave him a nasty message. I'd love to ask him if he remembers all of the devastation he has caused me and how it fits into his dreams that come true bullshit. I read through his website and I hated him for things he wrote. They were perfectly wonderful sentiments but twisted and wrong, not acknowledging the need for God or Christ. I wonder if he tried to encourage me with my writing back then. I don't remember the mundane things, but it felt like things that he had said to me at some point. That made me sick. His poor children to have to grow up with that piece of crap for a father.God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
More than ever I need that glimpse of an eternal perspective. I need to be sure I do not hurt myself anymore. I have a loving husband, beautiful children, and a good life. I cannot change the past, so I have to work with today. The statute of limitations has already passed for my case. There is no statute of limitations for God's judgment, however. I need to live worthy of this good life I've been given.My goal: Treat myself with love and respect by putting healthy food into my body. Increase meat and veggies, eliminate sugar and useless carbs.I appreciate comments. :-)Thanks.Deanna
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