Can't seem to understand anymore

Too much pain, sometimes I wonder what it is like to live a day without pain. Lately my right shoulder down to the fingers have this pain that I do not know why and what it is. There is no reason, but spiritually, there's a bunch of reasons why. And the pain doesn't stop there...and it goes on and on and on and on...
Then there's the emtional side of pain...WTF...where does it end? Couple of weekd ago red blood cells shoots way yp, then the onco decided to take some blood out to alleviate the pain, but still there. Oh well. life goes on.
I wonder about taking excessive pills of some sort, just to end it all, but there's so much pain to leave bahind, not fair for the people who  depends on me. God help me.
Oh well.......